Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
sKePTiKal:
Excellent Hops! I hope it's not too taxing physically or draining energy-wise for you. I wish you loads of fun!
Hopalong:
Thanks, Amber. I'll pace it out.
I think DC Alpha Man (C) may be overwhelming, so I'm proceeding with feet firmly on brake. Could be cultural, but he's fantasizing and I'm wary of a man getting all "dreamy" before we meet. He hasn't pestered me and calls earlier in the evening (finally) --we had one call recently to confirm date details, fair enough since for him it involves travel -- it's not as intrusive. He's been very slow to comprehend me not wanting to yak on the phone at length before we meet, but I'm being consistent.
The other two gents seem more earthbound, which is a good thing I think. Woodworker and I are meeting halfway (he's about 50 min away) at a casual restaurant and bringing our dogs. Writer and I haven't met yet; ball's in his court but he's in vigil for a grandbaby.
This is healthy stuff, Amber. Taking it lightly.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I'm so pleased to read your updates, Hops!
And here comes lovely, cool weather to meet outdoors with your dogs....... patio restaurants and parks, even.
You sound so good!
Lighter
Hopalong:
MAN, C is just not getting it! Or not listening. Or not comprehending.
I have no idea. But he just made an excuse to call AGAIN when I've said, I thought pretty directly, that I don't want to keep having phone conversations until we've actually met.
I just don't understand it. Maybe bonding over the phone sight unseen is his comfort zone. Maybe talking to a woman regularly makes him happy. Maybe he just can't understand why wait? No problem, lots of people don't have this boundary. But I do.
I just emailed him I'm not trying to be rude or unfriendly and do look forward to picking him up at the train tomorrow and having a nice dinner. I've already said that. Also said it's just not my preference and I can explain more when we meet. (Wish I didn't have to but it seems necessary.) It's almost spoiled the date before it happens.
Yikes. This may be The Date That Shouldn't Have Happened, but we'll see. He sounded positively wounded as he got off the phone -- this time when I picked up and it was him I said very directly, I got your email today and you offered to call with all the details, but I replied that I don't need more details now--did you get my reply? (He hadn't seen it, just had written again "We'll talk" -- when I don't want to keep talking now!) And I said, happy to be at the station tomorrow to pick you up. He kept saying, You busy? I finally said: C, I've tried to tell you several times that I prefer not to keep having phone conversations until after I've met someone in person, and you keep calling anyway (or something to that effect.)
He evidently heard the frustration in my voice and immediately said that's fine, sorry, I'll see you tomorrow.
Whatever the reason is for his lack of hearing/comprehension/acceptance of my preference, it's trashed the anticipation for me. It's a shame.
Now I'm having familiar thoughts about powerful male dynamos who simply cannot compute that they should respect and cooperate with a woman's clearly stated preference, rather than just keep doing the same thing over and over and over to get what they want. He really either doesn't get it, or can't comprehend it because his whole life he's never had to do that, or he believes repetition creates cooperation.
It's the other way around. Repetition makes me more resistant and uncomfortable because it feels like HOUNDING (maybe he thinks that it's flattering) and if I get a hint of similar attitude tomorrow evening, it'll be a one-off for sure. (I'm pretty certain the communication gap's too wide already but will try to enjoy it anyway.)
Feh. Grrr.
Yoicks,
Hops
PS At his age, it's also possible there's something cognitive going on. It's possible that he literally can't remember what I've said about repeated calls. If I figure out that's the case, I'll be kind to him but not encourage more. If it's physically not his fault I shouldn't be annoyed, just realize that with both geographical and mental distance, this won't be a relationship launch. I will have a lot of compassion for his situation if that's the case, but am too drained to volunteer for it.
Hopalong:
Well, he emailed "I fully understand" and so forth.
He'd also said that at one other point.
So I still dunno, but at least courtesy is restored so the evening will maybe be okay.
Very strange panicky upset I'd felt about it for a bit; so reminiscent of how I'd feel when M would dismiss something I'd say that was important to me.
Hope it's just a misunderstanding or miscommunication but I'm likelier to believe it's what Lighter talks about -- the "first boundary breach." At least I'm alert to it and I intend to be completely direct. A natural consequence of this continual struggle to get C to hear or take in my preference is that I'm not as relaxed or inclined to trust him as I would've been if he'd respected (or understood) it.
So maybe that's the consequence, or depending how the evening goes, maybe that's the end of it (a consequence in itself). If he has a physical or cognitive reason he can't help, nothing to be upset about. I'll find out.
Maybe it's dregs of prosecutor behavior, too. Sheesh.
Whew. Thanks for listening,
Hops
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version