Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
I'll PM with info.
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
Beach gathering was 90% delightful, even with 10 women so different from each other. Long tradition in this group of ridiculous sarcastic banter which I adore hearing (rapid fire, too). I love listening to them get into it while they play cards. I don't enjoy cards so just hang out and it is FUN.
Bed wasn't comfy but, feh, rentals. One incident was tough but I feel okay about the aftermath. One woman there who knows my D story well has her own...she lost her beloved girl to suicide four-five years ago. She absolutely cracked with anguish and I was among those who supported her and listened during the peak of it. Reached out to her several times since and enjoyed our emailing. Anyway, she'd moved away right after her loss but comes back for the annual beach thing. She is VERY bright and verbal...kind of free-associates long detailed stories that are very entertaining and interesting, although the never-pause delivery can be wearing. I have always liked her (maybe with a little wariness) and really looked forward to seeing her again. She's closer to several others in the group, long term.
For some reason being with all of us from her old community must have stirred up fresh unhappiness (she hasn't yet really found her tribe in NC and perhaps moved away from her support system too soon) and discontent, on top of all the reminders of the people around her when it happened (her D had been hospitalized in Germany and on a daypass jumped to her death). Absolutely ghastly for friend, who sobbed all the way across the Atlantic in the arms of kind flight attendants.
Long story shorter: I wasn't saying anything at all at that moment as a group conversation was going, with friend talking a good deal about how hard that year had been, with her characteristic great intensity. I was just listening and nodding with empathy (and feeling it) like everyone else. After somebody said, "Raise your hand if you were a perfect mother" and one woman did as a joke and the rest of us including me just kept listening, she suddenly turned and looked over at me and said nastily: "Well we ALL know YOU screwed up as a parent!" Out of the blue.
I was dumbstruck. I heard later a few others were too. I let it pass instantly, feeling that she was projecting out of the intense feelings of chaos and anguish she was trying to cope with in that moment. But it did shock me and hurt. A little later I said gently, "I don't think I screwed up as a parent, though I made plenty of mistakes. It's a little hard to predict mental illness or what it can do." And then the moment passed. (Another woman told me later I handled it with grace, so whew.)
I forgave her instantly but also recognized that I probably won't be able to relax or let down my guard around her again. Words really can wound if you go for the most vulnerable place. I don't think she planned it or realized how hurtful a thing it'd be to say to me, because her own pain is so acute she cannot see outside. I really do understand that and feel very badly for her. Still, being in a group of women (always a tiptoe thing for me because of the early-life girl-bullies stuff) it was a bummer to have to negotiate that particular moment.
I did though. And I think pretty well. I still look forward to going again next year. It's definitely a good laboratory for me to work on how much to assert in groups of women, when to let stuff go, and just observe the group dynamic in them and how I interact with it myself. (For some reason I'm bulletproof with men in groups--I think because I truly do not care about their approval. I'm more vulnerable with women.)
On this annual trip there's enough silliness and lively interesting talk and the sense of all of us belonging to a larger thing (the local UU community) that makes it worthwhile and eases my isolation. I'm happy I got a spot and will be saving up every month to be able to go next time -- for a whole week.
In a way it made me feel like I had my church family back. I'm grateful, I need these people and most of them like and a few love me. That's a nice thing! I learn a lot more about them and myself every time I'm around them, and this visit I got closer to a couple. Really glad about that.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
I'm sorry she did that, Hopsie, what a nasty and unnecessary thing to say. And how fortunate for her that you didn't retaliate - you could have destroyed her but chose not to. I hope at some point she realises that and offers some kind of apology. I suspect (with my amateur psychologist head on) that she feels her daughter's suicide was her fault and that she screwed up as a parent, and shoved that out in your direction. Very unfair. I'm glad the rest of the trip was good though, and that you can go again next year xx
sKePTiKal:
I think life (and people) bring these experiences to us to teach us that none of us get to live without conflict or risk - much as we think we'd like to, it's not really good for us. We are designed to work for and create what we want/need. And fight for our selves, too. To create our own safety.
No matter what is going on outside of us.
Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp.
I think you're right that it was pure projection.
It's even occurred to me that in her own unique way (in good times even, she relates stories her with a sarcastic edge and laughs at the awfulness of people) -- perhaps her subconscious tossed out that remark as a kind of id-y way to express some sort of bonding with me? I dunno. FELT like a lashing-out, but psyches are complicated.
Surely she knew how deeply I empathized. Her D had the same illness mine does. Hers was just less controlled and defeated her in the end. My D could meet the same fate, and friend knew how much I resonated with her. We had talked about it quite a bit on a few occasions.
Or it may have been a lashing-out because in her mind, it's not fair that my D (with same mental illness) still lives and hers didn't survive. Unconscious, all of it, I think.
Doesn't matter. I'm not angry. Wary, but I don't know how one could not forgive something ugly erupting out of a mother who's experienced nature's ugliest loss.
hugs
Hops
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