You're right, Tupp:
Real and imperfect as opposed to pretend and endlessly wonderful
That's exactly it. When I talked to him about "building the foundation" he was very receptive. I think a lot of tension has evaporated recently because of two things:
--I haven't budged and he's still wonderful
--We've shelved-for-now one struggle we were having (his panic over sexual intimacy because of his surgery, which I had compassion for but was ultimately unable to relax with because he over-ran me in a very vulnerable state like a bulldozer in his anxiety, so he gets to work on that for now with his own T...unless later we try again, which I'm sure we will)
--He's more than willing to do couples-T. I have a feeling we'll see big benefits rather quickly. The relief we both felt after even the preliminary sessions was clear.
Lighter, you're right. I believe he genuinely loves me too. It's been nine months and my trust in him and his intentions has increased a lot. He IS working at it. I'm not as much. But I think that's the real situation and I'm okay with that. When I do have to dig deep, I will. But for now I'm holding some information and questions for couples-T. M still has a lot to do about learning to listen. Meanwhile, we play well together and always enjoy each other's company. I was in a sad/bad mood the other day and told him I ought not to expose him, had nothing to do with us...and he called and so sweetly told me to come over no matter what mood I was in, he loved me as I am, I could not listen to him, and we'd put on great music, and I went and he was just lovely and my bad mood turned happy. This appears to be what being loved feels like! He wasn't (for a change) being controlling, just kind.
Skep, bug is 90% gone, though this cold snap won't help.
We are definitely beginning to relax together more. We are truly a "WE." The trip and the family happies was significant (and Costa Rica for the others will be a big deal too -- verrrrry different from the young California families). CR is where all the headstones and generations of Big Deal Family History and Upper Social Strata Hyper-Wealth stuff is concentrated. I am un-intimidated (ancient history, but first boyfriend's family had similar resources) but very curious. I know his sister will be great. Turns out his industrialist brother is deeply evangelical (Central America crazytown style) and am glad I know that. I can handle folks of all sorts because I just go with kindness and warmth and usually all goes well. M is much loved, greatly admired, etc. in that place. I am curious to see how he manages all those ancient heavy vibes. I'm glad he hasn't sold his condo there yet so we'll have a peaceful place to retreat to. I'm packing light and basically bringing myself. As is.
We are enjoying each other much more now. Decided to keep Tgiving simple (he had been talking about cooking and hosting and I said I'd sous-chef but generally have downplayed and detached from holidays for a decade). So we're going to a potluck at my church, a place he's curious about but hasn't explored, which he thinks will be interesting.
ONE thing I'm clear about with M is that he has NOOOOOO tolerance for boredom and to be happy requires steady stimulation. I don't feel obliged to entertain him (although evidently I often do, since our conversations are very lively) ... but this strikes me as the perfect way to avoid stress and keep his brain busy!
Should be good. And thanks for checking in about us.
Hugs
Hops