Thank you ((((Tupp)))), especially for this deep image:
you've not sacrificed yourself and allowed him to consume you
On a feeling level, you couldn't be more perceptive.
I love the man but he is so powerful he feels "consuming". Maybe even "voracious."
And I do need several months of full separation/silence before I could risk a possible new connection. It may not be necessary, as if his N-ish side wins out in his hurt, he may do the full discard himself. One never knows, and yesterday he expressed a lot of resentment about my short "retreats" during our relationship, so I can't imagine how months of it will feel to him. Time will tell.
((((AMber)))). I swear, I think we all here have PhDs in insight:
...wish it was the kind of world that we didn't have to go such extremes to stand up for and protect ourselves; to even be heard, recognized as a real person with our own feelings, and those feelings and boundaries acknowledged as important as the other person's...sometimes we have to and we CAN.
That was bracing in all the best ways. Thank you.
I also think you're exactly right about the dinner invites (I had written him "in time, if it feels positive for us both") which he interpreted as "....[your email did not enter my awareness] ...So come on back now, in two days"). I plan to turn down whatever pokes come in. Lovingly but firmly. And if they become a flood, maybe not so lovingly.
I know from "the literature" about Nism that No-Contact is often the only way to fully move on. And that it's usually advised. I think that's more important with malignant N-ism (which M does not have) but I'm wary of going porous, so I'll be vigilant about when and how, and make sure if I do accept an invite one day (should they still be coming), I do it out of choice and not feeing obligated. Winter loneliness will definitely challenge my resolve, but maybe by then it'll be okay.
I sent him some info on Adult ADHD. Turns out that compulsive talking and inability to listen are massively common symptoms in those with the hyperactive type, which I believe M has. He's never explored it, so I said I hoped if he chose to, it would be a revelation and a help. Ironic that in the decade after being diagnosed myself (inattentive type, or likely the combined type), I wound up with a boyfriend who seems to have the same problem, different aspect. Two cats in a bag?
(((((CB))))) I understand the chill. It's an example of the "did I not just say something in plain English?" gaslit feeling I had during Rokugate. I'm thinking it's likely his whizzing brain rather than anything malevolent like stalking. I don't feel unsafe, truly. I think his own inner rules of conduct would not permit that kind of thing. (If he did behave in any antisocial way toward me, he'd find himself quickly facing the Great Wall of China.)
A neutral space like a park with a picnic is a much better idea than going to his house, and I will keep that in mind.
Right now, awash in gratitude for all this understanding, I need to do the cocooning and self care and simplicity.
Today: Watering the garden and taxes. (Talk about epic ADD procrastination...I have to sort whopping piles of papers today to even find the tax stuff, and that's before I go online and pick some freefile program to get it in by tomorrow!)
HEARTFELTLY,
Hops