not doing too well. I keep feeling like I should do more

[bkkabri]

I am sitting here tonight and it is very lonely.  I know she has someone new, and she acts like after two years that this was nothing.  Christmas is coming and I think about how I bought her gifts and she bought me porn and put it under the tree.  God it hurt so bad that I dont even want to set up my tree.  I  am dying inside because I shared my experience with my dad dying because I wanted to be mature and let her know that talking about diseases in detail reminded me of the hopelessness that diseases can do to people.  As a nurse practitioner she should be empathic, instead she throws it in my face and tells me to get over it like the experience wasnt that tragic.  I dont know how to get over this because I really loved her, but she just kept pushing me about stupid stuff and left me standing alone when we were out at functions.  I got so envious of watching my buddies with their wives showing them affection.  You could see it.  There were no words, just that this is my guy and I am so proud to be with him.  I was just an ornament in the background to be there when we left.  Why did she do this to us.  I guess I should have known realizing she is 37 with no friends and no talk about past.  I am sorry to ramble.  Its just really hard, because I gave my heart and she stepped on it for telling her I loved her and wanted more from our relationship.  It doesnt make sense.  I dont know how a woman can just sit and belittle me like I was nothing.  Please help me understand.

[bunny]

What do you mean, "I think I should do more"?

bunny

[ResilientLady]

Hi bkkabri, I really feel for the two abandonments that you are feeling.
Maybe you can try to identify separately the two events that triggered this: the death in your arms of your father, and your xgf leaving you.
My Nanalyst told me that the death of the father is the most painful event that a human being may experience (I had a "feeling" about this when I thought my Dad would die, so I can relate a little bit). Maybe you can seek help from a therapist to help you mourn this, b/c it is a heavy event. Try to think about it before a real depression sarts (I recognized my depression way too late, 18 months after my Dad's accident. I saw a therapist because I was so suicidal I was afraid I would do sthg stupid). I really hope this will never happen to you, but it is easier to deal w/ the problem when it is still "early".
About your xgf, it is also about mourning but it is a different one. She was not there for you when you needed it the most, so try to stop thinking about the "fantasy lady" (as other posters rightly said) that never existed.
As I read from another post (adressed to me) sthg really logical : "how can you mourn someone that never existed".
I think it would be really interesting if you read sthg about codepedency (eg by M Beatty).
To help you dstinguish b/w the two mournings, try to imagine how you could have reacted about her leaving if your father were still alive
and not how you could have reacted about your father's death if she were still there.
I do not know if this helps, my mind is particularly not clear right now (sorry if I sound confusing). Just my 2 cents..
-RL

[Anonymous]

I really think you're mourning the loss of something that never really was, possibly and ideal that you had in your mind.

I know it's difficult as I've been in similar situation to you before and it's hard to believe that another human being can be so cruel, but that is why you need to move past this and think about your future, not your past with this witch. How can she do something so cruel? I don't know, human beings are capable of a lot of nasty things, so try to find someone for yourself that is going to treat you better than this.

YOu remind me a lot of my husband's brother who seems to think life isn't worth living after someone breaks up with him and he's been with some real doozies for women. All of them will either physically or emotionally beat the stuffing out of him. He can't think past the day he's in. He'll go over and over the same scenarios in his mind about why things happened the way they did and reminisce about the good times, never mind they were few and far between. Once you find someone (and don't be in a hurry, you're in no frame of mine to start another relationship), you'll look back and wonder why you thought this was all so acceptable. Tomorrow will come and you will be fine, you might even be better. You've just got to have faith in yourself and realize that all things happen for a reason. A struggle like this is very hard to deal with while it's going on, but in hindsight you'll realize that you will gain skills from it and be better prepared for the next relationship and what you will and will not put up with. Trust me on this..

[Anonymous]

Here's a question:
You haven't mentioned a single good thing about your relationship or any feel good experiences with her and yet you're having a hard time getting over her. I don't mean this to come across as accusatory, just pointing out a fact. Also, I don't personally have a problem with porn in a relationship in private that is agreed upon by two consenting adults, but to give it as a Christmas gift?? That's just plain tacky. Count your blessings that she's someone else's problem and not yours anymore.

[bkkabri]

I really appreciate the responses.  I am not in any suicide mode, sorry for the dramatic writing.  I know you guys are right, I just dont understand how someone who sounded so logical(possisbly by not saying too much) could slowly lose her mind over a year and then let me have it when all I was trying to do is understand.  Its not the porn was purchased, it was that it was wrapped up on Christmas morning that is so disturbing to me.  I just sat there not knowing what to say.  Then things would be fine.  A month later, again something to hit me.  I keep asking my friends what they thought and they are like we dont really know her.  She never said much except for when it came to school and her job.  As far as my dad is concerned, I told her this as a mature adult stating something that was important to me, and when I think about it, she didnt really console me in a way that was understanding.  She just looked at me and didnt say anything at all.  Her aunt is dying of cancer and I asked how she was doing and she gave me a medical report.  When I really think about it, she never shared with me an emotion about how she felt about losing her.  She just moved on like nothing was said.  I know its over, but I really do miss the woman she presented to me.  I dont understand why that one isnt real.  That is  the one people will truly be impressed with.  The one she is truly is a witch from hell.  Thanks for your help.  I just am really struggling with the holidays.

[Anonymous]

I dont understand why that one isnt real

Because it's not needed anymore. You got snookered in by that one and now it's not necessary to keep up the facade. I think I'd be safe in saying that this woman has probably pulled this game on more men than just yourself. If she's 37, she's had a while to perfect her skills.

I know the Holidays are tough, they always are when you're single. But give your friends a call, tell them you need to have some company and a diversion from your break up. I'm sure someone's parents would be happy to have you over for dinner or gift opening. Use the time alone to work on yourself and find things that make you happy. Treat yourself to something you normally wouldn't, just because you're worth it.

Don't feel like your're stupid or deserving of this type of behavior from someone, we've all been through it in one way or another at some point. You live and learn.

[BlueTopaz]

I just dont understand how someone who sounded so logical(possisbly by not saying too much) could slowly lose her mind over a year and then let me have it when all I was trying to do is understand.

You got it. By carefully picking and choosing what she decided to show and not show overtly, though she was likely doing weird things covertly.  Seems there was a lot yet to be shown under the silence, and when she finally began to let loose and talk, you saw what she was really all about.  

Keep reading about narcissism and the facades of the narcissist to understand better.

I know its over, but I really do miss the woman she presented to me. I dont understand why that one isnt real.

The woman that you liked, that she presented to you, was real, for all intents and purposes of your heart and psyche. It just wasn't accurate to who she really was.  Do you see the difference?  

It was the same for everyone who crossed her path out there in the world.  She was real the way she presented to them also, but it was just not accurate to the truth of who she was.  There was so much more to her that was opposing & dark, as is the way that it goes with N's...

When we leave N's behind we are so often left mourning and pining so much over nothing more than an illusion.  It is such a weird thing.  A good way to start to slowly move on from it, is to begin to focus less on what seemed like the good part of the relationship (because now you know you had major information missing at that time you thought things were really good) and focus more on the cold, hard truth (  yeah, I know) regarding the horrible ways she spoke, behaved, treated you....  

You are also very lucky.  It takes some people years (was 5 for me) to break free of the illusion of N's facade...   You can be free of it now, after one year...

Take care of yourself & best wishes for some peace of mind over the holidays...

BT

[bkkabri]

I know what you are saying, I guess I am just having a real hard time beleiving any of this is true.  I know it is, but I dont know how a woman can be so hurtful and unemotional to me, and then go out and act like it was nothing and present herself to the world like she is fine.  The thing that blows my mind is that she spent 15 years skating professionally and when I asked about it, she didnt say much.  There isnt even a picture of it in her house to speak of.  I thought she would enjoy talking about her past, and all she mentioned were exboyfriends.  I asked her about going on a cruise because I never been.  When I asked her, she said yes but didnt talk about the destination, she talked about how bad her ex treated her.  Is that weird?

[Anonymous]

When I asked her, she said yes but didnt talk about the destination, she talked about how bad her ex treated her.  Is that weird?

It's not wierd. Some people have baggage and won't let it go. It's our choice whether or not to stay in a relationship like that.

You are obsessing over her bad behavior, so maybe you can understand that she did the same thing. It doesn't mean that she is wierd, but it might mean that a relationship with her wouldn't work.


bunny

[BlueTopaz]

Bkkabri,

It seems like you are at a point of ruminating that I think all people that suddenly figure out what they really have been dealing with in the person they cared so much about, go through.  A natural phase of sorting through and processing confusion and pain...

I think this is a useful phase in healing, though it is important not to become stuck in this phase, and this is so easy to do...   I think more people than not get at least a little stuck for various periods before they are truly able to move on.   I know I did.

It's understandable that having had a conversation with her only 4 days ago may have put you very much back to this wondering and analytical focus.  

What will contribute to you healing and moving on the most, is zero contact (nothing in any shape/form) with her.  You might (or not) find it a tough one to swallow, but I can't tell you how much this is key.    Any more contact with her will only baffle you more, leave you with even more questions, and probably upset you more.

There is only one answer really, to all of  the "why" "how could she" and other questions that you have, and that is "narcissism".  All the things that seem confusing to you related to how a person could act a certain way, are related behaviors of someone with NPD.  You will likely get the most insight about what happened the in relationship with your X by reading all that you can about the disorder in general.  

Take care.  

BT

[bludie]

It seems like you are at a point of ruminating that I think all people that suddenly figure out what they really have been dealing with in the person they cared so much about, go through. A natural phase of sorting through and processing confusion and pain...

Well said, BT. This, I think, can be a turning point in our choice to allow the mental torture to continue that was once inflicted by our Ns OR to say: Enough! I'll give you no more of me, N. You've had my heart, mind, soul, body -- whatever -- but I will no longer allow you to control me.

What will contribute to you healing and moving on the most, is zero contact (nothing in any shape/form) with her. You might (or not) find it a tough one to swallow, but I can't tell you how much this is key. Any more contact with her will only baffle you more, leave you with even more questions, and probably upset you more.

There is only one answer really, to all of the "why" "how could she" and other questions that you have, and that is "narcissism".

Also well put. Though there has been some excruciating loneliness in a complete no-contact regimen, this has been the single most important facet of breaking the cycle. As I've said in earlier posts, it's been less than 3 months since ending it with my ex-N-fiance and about 1 month of absolutely no contact. I am just now starting to feel that I'm coming out of the gas. Through reading, therapy and these posts, I now accept that what he and I had was an illusion -- love built in fantasy -- not reality. This knowledge helps me and, yes, Bkkabri, there are some days when even the knowledge doesn't quell the despair. But I am getting better and I will survive and I will learn from this and I will become a healthier, happier person in the end.

We all can, Bkkabri, if we seek wholeness and a sense of self rather than living through the lens of another person. One of my favorite quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt perhaps says it best:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Have you got a therapist Bkkabri? What books are you reading?