Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Meandering
sKePTiKal:
This is just an off the wall suggestion:
You could simply show up at the first appointment and say that you feel there is something wrong that you'd like to figure out and find solutions for, but you're not entirely sure WHAT'S bothering you. Part of the journey with a good T, is actually finding out what the problem (for you) is. It might not be the things your brain is telling you is the problem; that's just all it can see right now.
That's OK; when we look at landscapes, or a whole time frame of personal history, our attention focuses on one or two things every time we look at it. We can't see the whole thing in detail at one time. Not with senses and brain; sometimes one can FEEL the whole picture or story though.
Hopalong:
Well put, and much less convoluted than my suggestions.
Bravo, Amber.
xxxooo
Hops
Twoapenny:
G, it was really interesting to read what you're thinking as you read this book. It was the first one I ever read about Narcissism (and is what ultimately brought me to this board, in a roundabout sort of way). I'd read a book about toxic parenting before that, and had been having counselling for a while before that. Years ago, a friend (who also has a mad family and has been in therapy many times in her life) was talking to me about counselling and self help and she said the problem with it is, you get to a point where you understand your family are mad/unhealthy/dysfunctional - but then what? They're still your family. You still have all your childhood experiences, all the messages you picked up on (directly or indirectly), all the memories (or maybe not if you have forgotten a lot of stuff or blocked it out) and you're still the same person, but now you're aware it's all your mum's fault or it's all because your dad was a drunk or because your nan had an affair and was shamed by the village or whatever else happened. But it doesn't change who you are or what your life is. And I thought she made a really good point. It's like you understand and know a lot, but you still can't do much about it because you can't fix the other people, so you're still stuck with that. It's a bit like knowing what you need to do to fix a car but not being able to get the part.
I've read a lot of self help books over the years and many have given me useful information but none have had any sort of blueprint or formula that I've been able to follow to change my life. I try to avoid toxic or difficult people now, but I still find it very hard to form close relationships and I still find childhood 'stuff' comes up again and again, despite many years of working through it and trying to deal with it. I kind of think now all we can do is what we can do today. I can try to eat well, try to rest, read a bit of a book, sort my boy out - but other than that I don't feel like I can do much else. I don't find affirmations helpful - I do try to think constructively rather than ruminate and focus on negatives all the time but I don't think that's the same thing as affirmations. I think maybe we need to just pick out anything that helps a bit and leave the rest of it behind. Questioning it is always good, in my opinion :) xx
Dr. Richard Grossman:
Hi Garbanzo,
My patients would tell you “If you have insight into your past (e.g. narcissistic family, trauma, loss etc) and you are still alone, you are not much better off. Yes, you know who to avoid and how to “deal with the issues,” but you have nothing different/positive to replace this terrible and all-consuming history.” In this sense, I view insight as a positive side effect of effective therapy (therapy in which the patient/therapist relationship creates a new, positive, and confirming history.) In my 40 plus years of doing this work, I learned that insight, by itself, was not adequate, and brain techniques/strategies/skills, while potentially helpful were not, by themselves, powerful enough to affect the life changes my patients sought. I don’t know if you read my patient Sara Field’s book, The Mathematician and the Teddy Bear (see the link below), but her “epic journey” through therapy provides a wonderful example of what I am talking about.
https://smile.amazon.com/Mathematician-Teddy-Bear-struggle-someone/dp/1514215772/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=The+Mathematician+and+the+Teddy+Bear&qid=1563908647&s=gateway&sr=8-1
Richard
Meh:
Thank you for the ideas Lighter, Hops, Skep, Two, Dr. Grossman.
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