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Meh:
So I've been eating Leibniz butter biscuits, they seem to have less sugar than yoghurt and about the same amount of fat. And I've been eating popcorn and cucumbers. Spending too much time on the sofa really. Getting into this book, the content seems very familiar at this point. No major revelations although sometimes there is a tidbit here and there that is nice to read. Of course there are things that I just won't agree with. End of page 13 author says "I believe almost all mothers harbor good intentions toward their daughters". And I just think well I guess she covered herself by saying "almost all". Part of me wants to say my mother is a piece of shit. It feels wrong writing that it really does. Maybe it would be healthier for me though if I see her that way.  One wonders.

My mother frequently seems like she has two personalities, the social polite one and then the nasty one she doesn't show to just anybody. 

For some reason she feels like she has to keep in touch with me. I'm not sure why she even bothers, I think it's her back up insurance plan. I'm "the royal little bitch" she think is going to drive her to her appointments when her husband dies or something. You know maybe it won't come to that, maybe she will pass away in her sleep, maybe she will just end up somewhere, maybe her rich brother and sister will figure something out for her. I really do feel some kind of weird stress about what I owe to my parents. I mean what if I died they would be on their own anyways. It's not as if I determine anything that happens to them. Old age was going to come to them no matter what. If I was born or not they were going to get old and by now they should have already figured out they couldn't really depend on me. I mean if I could figure out I couldn't depend on them, they also could figure out they can't depend on me. I guess.

Even though I have given up on her a while ago. I still feel like I haven't realistically defined what she means to me.

I'm just going to keep reading this book. I have the feeling the author probably read this message board as part of her research lol.

I do wonder why can people hate politicians, the pope, a celebrity. But I can't say to myself my mother is a piece of shit. I guess when all is said and done I just need to let go even more. Maybe I still need more distance. I don't even know where I am going with this. Maybe I really need to journal something about a definition, because really if your mother isn't a mother that makes them just another person. Another person but not a mother. A parent by definition but a very vague definition. I mean what if I don't visit her again. Really the last few times I have visited her are few and far between and each time she really does look older. It's creepy seeing your parents age even if they are a piece of shit. I mean time is going to pass regardless of what I do or don't do. Time really does seem like it flys by.

I'm not saying I harbor massive resentment or massive anger anymore. A little bit at least sure. It's just maybe I haven't judged her harshly enough. It's more like I have just ignored what didn't exist. In the end if I were to give it a more mature name than piece of shit maybe I would say conartist.  Just a long term con.

I'm just writing to myself here. Just like to write it out even if I'm only repeating the same thing over and over.

To maintain peace with them one has to keep on going along with them on some level. And I guess people do this all the time, they go along or play along with something. I guess it's just the power dynamics of life. It's like going along with an employer when really all you want to do is give the finger and walk away.

Meh:
When I visited my mother few months ago she got a phone call from a family friend. My grandfather's old girlfriend of sorts who had been pretty much life long friends with my grandfather. I hadn't seen her since I was a kid. My mother told this family friend that I was their visiting her (I was with my mother) (family friend called from out of state). The family friend sounded so excited to say hi to me, she is in her 90's poor thing. My mother put her on speaker phone for a moment, I said hi to her on speaker phone. We greeted for less than a minute as my mother had something more to carry on the conversation. The thing is that family friend was more excited to say hi to me than my mother has ever been in my entire life. The only way I can really understand how foul my relationship is with my mother is when it can be compared to something else.

Meh:
So I always thought the idea of Narcissistic supply was more or less a person receiving attention. The stereotype of the celebrity with cameras on them or whatever. Though I came across something that suggested inflicting pain on others is some type of Narcissistic supply. Or that just getting a certain type of negative emotional reaction is supply to the narcissist.  It's a new idea to me really. It's interesting I never really thought about it that way before, it's just way more weird and complicated.

It does make me wonder how and why did humans get such complicated personality types. I guess maybe they are acting out of instinct like any other animal. I want to think it's pretty dark and sinister. Power and control issues seem to explain extreme abuse and neglect pretty well. It's just weird to think a person's emotional instinct could lead to really dark behavior. I don't know I am rambling.

Narcissism seems so intentional though.

Hopalong:
I think the dark is real, G.
Certainly the N personality disorder is, and it's real in them but expresses to different degrees. My Nmother's came out in endless gobbling demand to be listened to nonstop AND in a huge amount of emotional manipulation. But she would never do something consciously cruel or sadistic and had a social conscience and was a terrific teacher of children. They gave her supply by responding to her outgoing charm, and she was the best reading teacher anywhere.

What modified my mother's Nness, honestly, was her Christianity. In loooong hindsight, I see that her religion helped her be "the best N she could be" in the sense that whatever was broken in her, not just by her Ngenes but by a very hard, poor childhood with sexual abuse in the home...her faith gave her a bit of hope and also "rules." She followed them. Never a moment's unfaithfulness to my Dad and she was a very responsible parent.

Ns come in all sorts of packages and with huge variations.

My biggest healing lesson was learning that LIGHT is as real in this world as darkness. And that I could actively seek it out, repeatedly. I also learned that if I DIDN'T actively seek it out, the dark would get bigger.

Hence: Self-help books. Therapy. Being here. All of those for years. It's made all the difference.

love
Hops

Meh:
Yeah N's do come in lots of variations. It could have been worse according to this book one mother sold her daughter for $300.00 to the extreme end of the spectrum I guess.

As I'm working my way through this book it points out the different manifestations of Narcissistic mothers both the overbearing and ignoring. Definitely my mother was the ignoring type to the extreme. I guess I'm glad she doesn't meddle in my life too much.

My father was more the non-stop talker about himself and my grandfather too for that matter. My mother would listen to her father talk for hours. Not sure if it's an age and lonliness thing or Narcissism. I guess anybody talking too much is taking up all the air in the room and suffocating the other.

My reason for reading this book I guess is still that I feel very much unconnected from family and that maybe I do have other gaps in my life. I fall into more of the "loner" type - page 119.

I have read elsewhere about Narcissistic disgarding. I think that I've been going through some disgarding cycle with my mother and when I spoke with my father him as well for many years. If I'm honest maybe I even do it to other people. Discarding.

It's like I'm looking through a freaking microscope breaking it all down over and over. It almost feels absurd but necessary.

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