Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
I feel that I need a thread to keep me focused on what I feel I need to work on so that I don't keep getting distracted when other things come up and so that I've got some sort of anchor point to come back to when I start to lose my way. I hesitate to call it a gratitude or positivity thread (I've gone right off all that recently) but I think I need a place where I can put down what I'm doing that's constructive and (hopefully) focusing me on getting towards a better relationship with myself and with other people. And, of course, it would be lovely if any of you wanted to join me with your own care of self/care with others type things as well :)
So - to start off. I want to keep reminding myself that it's reciprocal relationships that I want and not to get bogged down by the ones that aren't. I met a friend yesterday and it was lovely, but it was initiated by me. I want to try and put that into the 'it was a nice few hours' box and not get weighed down by anything else about it.
I am enjoying the three groups I've started going to - the parents/carers at both special needs related groups are lovely and I definitely want to keep those up. The people at the sustainability group are lovely and I also want to get more involved in that, particularly their allotment project which sounds like fun. I've booked son and I up for a drumming group in a couple of weeks' time; I've spoken to the chap and he seems nice and is happy about son going so that is another good thing to focus on.
We have an appointment today with the osteopath, who is lovely, and then we have the cinema and the staff there are always nice. We might catch the bus; I'm not sure about timings yet but will have a look and see what we can do.
I am trying to look after myself better. I was awake at 4.30am this morning and although I haven't managed to get back to sleep, I have done things in bed rather than getting up. I think I need to spend more time sitting in bed and less time sitting in front of the telly. I miss reading; I don't do it anywhere near as much as I used to so that is also my aim for today.
I think that will do for now :) Feel free to chime in with any things you are doing for yourself that you are finding helpful and making life smiley :) xx
Hopalong:
Lovely thread idea, Tupp!
It's wonderful how you were able to look at a very nice few hours with a friend (that you initiated) and see them as "a very nice few hours." Over time, with one person or another, a few will begin to take a more solid shape. And there's NOTHING wrong with discussing reciprocity in a calm way with new people.
Just as a getting-to-know-you subject people sometimes talk about. Every person you meet has had some situation in their life that has felt out of balance in that way. Every person you meet has felt hurt or lonely or left out sometime.
Sometimes these days when I meet a new person, we can find ourselves talking about making friends as adults, and how that's different for older people. I'll say something like, "I know people can make new friends at any age, but I've noticed it's harder now that I'm XX years old and in a new place, with a dependent adult child. I've really enjoyed meeting you and the XX group folks!" And then in a bit you could say, "One thing I've figured out is I want reciprocal friendships in my life. Not 50-50, nobody can manage that...but enough so you know the interest is mutual. You know what I mean?"
(I promise, the other person will say, Yes...) Then, back to you...
"How about you, how does that work in your life?"
Some people will be open and even eager to talk about friendships. I think it's especially helpful to talk about it consciously before a pattern is set. Practice on the new people! If someone seems to avoid the subject, then no harm no foul...they're just maybe not a good candidate for building a reciprocal connection.
I'm excited for you Tupp. Remember never to take any individual event as proving a global negative. Let it keep coming and going with more people, and expect more and less effectiveness. It's the pattern you're changing, not the particulars.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
Thanks, Hops :) I think those are good conversations to have with people as I get to know them and then I think, once I've got a bit more of a social life in place and some more people in my life (casual or otherwise) I might feel braver about having the conversation with current friends as well. Sort of feel I need a bit of a safety net before risking laying myself bare and the response not being good :) But all steps in the right direction and I think those sort of conversations with new people are a good way to know whether to bare a bit more or that's enough :) I do tend to focus more on the negatives than the positives, I think, which is why I thought a separate constructive thread would keep me focused on what's going well and what I can do that's constructive (rather than wallowing).
So - we've been to the library - the staff are lovely and have let my son join in their reading programme, even though technically he's too old. But they know how much he loves to read and that his reading level is lower than his age so they're doing a programme where the kids go in and chat to one of the librarians about the books they've read. They keep a chart and get badges as they get to certain numbers so he's almost at badge two :) They're really sweet and he really enjoys it so that was great. Then he had his osteopathy appointment and she's absolutely lovely and has gifted him a stereo! She's having a clear out and it's surplus to requirements so I'm collecting it for him on Friday (he's chuffed to bits). We've been to the cinema and the staff in there are lovely as well and got us the last two tickets for the show he wants to see tomorrow night so that's also been great. And my nice, reciprocal friend has been in touch for a catch up. So lots of good things - I'm tired but in a good way. Time for a bath soon.
Meh:
It sounds like you are doing A LOT of social activity!
Reciprocal relationships is something that I can't say much about really. I rarely take a lot of initiate because I feel lazy or tired. One old coworker kept asking me to go to the gym with her but god I didn't feel like it. When I do go to the gym alone it was not a social type of activity for me. I like to slink around do my thing shower and leave the gym.
Another friend I go to the movies with a lot. Most of the time it's me pestering her to get out and go. I don't feel bad about being the person to initiate. I think she likes going to do stuff even if she doesn't initiate it. She is a real dorky odd ball and I think I feel most comfortable hanging out with her because maybe she doesn't have any expectations... IDK She was one of my nicest and friendliest coworkers even though people don't get her. So I decided to try keeping up with her.
Maybe some people just aren't initiators.
Then another older co-worker of mine who I really like asked me to meet her for coffee sometime, I just haven't picked up the ball. Why? Because I'm lazy? I don't even know why. I am sort of stressed and pre-occupied with the things "I SHOULD" do this week. I will meet her eventually.
Hum. Fug.... Now I am thinking about how I should make a greater effort.
I wouldn't say any of these people are close. I guess I'm not really expecting sister or high school close. Sigh and shrug.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on May 20, 2019, 11:47:17 PM ---It sounds like you are doing A LOT of social activity!
Reciprocal relationships is something that I can't say much about really. I rarely take a lot of initiate because I feel lazy or tired. One old coworker kept asking me to go to the gym with her but god I didn't feel like it. When I do go to the gym alone it was not a social type of activity for me. I like to slink around do my thing shower and leave the gym.
Another friend I go to the movies with a lot. Most of the time it's me pestering her to get out and go. I don't feel bad about being the person to initiate. I think she likes going to do stuff even if she doesn't initiate it. She is a real dorky odd ball and I think I feel most comfortable hanging out with her because maybe she doesn't have any expectations... IDK She was one of my nicest and friendliest coworkers even though people don't get her. So I decided to try keeping up with her.
Maybe some people just aren't initiators.
Then another older co-worker of mine who I really like asked me to meet her for coffee sometime, I just haven't picked up the ball. Why? Because I'm lazy? I don't even know why. I am sort of stressed and pre-occupied with the things "I SHOULD" do this week. I will meet her eventually.
Hum. Fug.... Now I am thinking about how I should make a greater effort.
I wouldn't say any of these people are close. I guess I'm not really expecting sister or high school close. Sigh and shrug.
--- End quote ---
Aw, your dorky odd ball friend sounds great, G, film buddies are always good, it's nice having someone to chat to about the film afterwards. Yes, some people do initiate more than others, you've got a lot on your plate at the minute so maybe you're just not in the right head space for meeting people for coffee at the minute. I don't think you're lazy, you've got a lot whirring through your mind and it can be hard to focus on social stuff when you've got lots of proper stuff to do. We have got a lot of social stuff going on! I kind of feel like I need to push myself at the minute and I find it easier to get out and about over the summer when the weather's better (bad weather is a good excuse for me to stay indoors and eat biscuits). So I'm trying to get myself into lots of good routines now so I can stick to it over the winter. Plus where we live now is so beautiful, there's literally a dozen beaches within an hour of my house and a lot of them are quiet and stunning rather than packed full of tourist type beaches. You'll be up for meeting your other co-worker once some other things have settled for you a bit, G, I sure.
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