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FACING CODEPENDENCE, What it is, Where it comes from, How it Sabotages our lives
lighter:
By Pia Mellody
OK, some surprising things I'm taking away from this book.
Pia Mellody was experiencing huge people pleasing behaviors, and the resulting rage and frustration that goes along with never pleasing everyone, with feeling unappreciated, feeling fearful, feeling inadequate and not doing everything perfectly as a wife, mother, nurse, and social creature living in a world she felt was responsible for her feelings of being good enough.
She felt resentment, and her anger kept building until she couldn't go to meetings at the Meadows Treatment facility for Addictiuon, where she worked. The anger came out of the blue, and scared her, and the people around her. The anger kept growing, and she didn't understand it. She wanted to understand it.
When she sought treatment and help, the professionals just blinked at her, like she had three heads, and was crazy (I'm paraphrasing everything here) she finally realized she'd have to figure it out on her own. She was instructed to figure it out on her own. It was amazing she was IN a treatment facility where she had access to people suffering with many similar symptoms, child abuse in particular.
Through her work at the Meadows she began to understand the term "abuse" was broader than overt physical and sexual abuse. She included intellectual, emotional,and spiritual forms, and includes "any experience in childhood (birth to age 17) that is less than nurturing."
She did much of the work to identify Codependence, it's causes, and boundary work to cure it.
Wow, think about that. It changes the conversation for me, certainly, to think about "abuse" in terms of ANY experience that's less than nurturing. In my own childhood, and as a mother.
I think this book would have been helpful in my twenties, and maybe teens. I wish I could have internalized it when I was in grade school, honestly.
The journey continues.
Lighter
lighter:
Tupp:
This resonated with me today, and I wanted to know what you think about Pia's definition of frustration at injustice against us. The injustice robs of our self esteem.
It becomes anger when we can't resolve it. An endless anger around a historical injustice perpetrated against us.
The anger is meant to restore the loss of self esteem, but of course, can't do that.
What say you? Does that make sense for you?
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 15, 2019, 04:57:12 PM ---Tupp:
This resonated with me today, and I wanted to know what you think about Pia's definition of frustration at injustice against us. The injustice robs of our self esteem.
It becomes anger when we can't resolve it. An endless anger around a historical injustice perpetrated against us.
The anger is meant to restore the loss of self esteem, but of course, can't do that.
What say you? Does that make sense for you?
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Lighter, that makes a lot of sense to me, and is something that I struggle with daily. Not just anger (and the anger seems to be reducing in me at the moment) but also frustration, resentment and a sense of being caught up in a game where the rules keep changing and/or has rules that other people don't abide by. I definitely don't feel that the anger restores self esteem, I think for me it probably does the opposite? But yes, I feel there is a lot of injustice, and I feel that we live in a society where deceitful, unethical people are more richly rewarded and, bizarrely (in my eyes) more highly regarded than honest people who just want a quiet, happy life and don't feel the need to destroy things in order to achieve that. But yes, I do think the anger I feel is often because of situations that can never be resolved, no matter what happens now. They're situations that should never have occurred in the first place and I think that makes me angry? Is that how you feel? xx
Twoapenny:
Something else just came up for me, Lighter, which I thought I'd share. I was thinking this morning about how difficult I find it to relax and switch off - even when doing yoga or meditating, the hypervigilence means I've got one eye open and I can't really get deep into it. And that made me think about being open to love, and being loved - and I realised I can't be, because love, to me, is always associated with abuse and being hurt. And I think it's another kind of hypervigilence - there's just a barrier there that keeps people at arms length and pushes people away because sooner or later, whoever is in my life does something that hurts me. I find that hard to cope with and it makes me feel angry, because I know a lot of it is old stuff that I can't change and, despite, twenty odd years of therapy and working on it, it still hurts. That makes me feel angry and sad, I guess. Not sure if it connects at all to what you're reading at the minute but thought I would mention it as it came up after I read your post xx
lighter:
Tupp: You're right on track, and I have lots to say about your posts.
There's an urgency to get DD17 ready for first day of school next week, see my T, and catch a flight to the island with new sheets for the Q and K bedrooms.... as of yesterday I learned the brand new expensive sheets all have rust stains from the pipes... I think?
So, it's crazy days around here with all the shelves picked over for college dorm rooms AND I'm conflicted about what to pick, and schlep... it's all so difficult. I can't bear to get it wrong, and now we know our pipes must have flecks of rust that flow into the wash machine, so no more doing sheets at the house. HUGE PITA, what next?
Will just have to see, but in the meantime, I'm so identifying with your posts, and have stuff I'm learning from Pia Mellody.... I really really really suggest her videos on Youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk3a8n1uB1w
It's great to put on while you're doing the wash, or cleaning.
Will post later: )
Lighter
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