Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
FACING CODEPENDENCE, What it is, Where it comes from, How it Sabotages our lives
Twoapenny:
Oh, Lighter, that is a pain! Hope you get it all sorted. Is the pipe work very old? I guess there are so many things that can cause problems and you don't always find out about them until the problem happens! Hope things get sorted soon and that DD enjoys her first day back xx
sKePTiKal:
Any more take-aways from the book Lighter? I'm interested what you discover, because I would expect I have some reflexes this way... and I'm trying to spot them, before they become a problem, and do something DIFFERENT.
Big sigh... I'm kinda thinking that means accepting that I'm gonna be vulnerable, will HAVE to trust in the other until I am shown reason NOT TO, and communicate more with those "I" statements that Hops has to remind me of... in the process.
lighter:
One thing I learned was Codependents and and are drawn to each other. I recognized my marriage....just overtly felt that truth.
At the same time, I see DF17 in what appears to be a classic N+Codep situation. I sort of think she understands it, but she's indignant just now. Just like I was when someone tried to spell it out for me.
Codependancy is mainstream. Almost everyone suffers with it. It's not just parents of addicts, which is what I thought it was.
It's common, particularly for women. Watch one of the videos, which are old fashioned, SO packed with information.
This woman did some ground-breaking work, and I think we should teach this stuff in grade school and hs!
Tupp:
Yes the pipes are old, this is also an island. Lord knows who goes into the eater, and what pipes it goes through.
Update. I'm packed, and it was a lot of work, but much less fretting. I made choices....didn't have to be perfect. Usually I experience huge angst, and sweating, and struggle, but not this time.
I'm trying to be live in the eye of the storm. Home is inside me.
I ask myself what do I need....or try to more often.
Must catch a plane. Will text more during 12 hour layover.
Lighter
Meh:
Went to a Codependents anon meeting or something like that MANY years ago. I only went once. Can't believe that I went when I was so young, I think one therapist used the word codependent on me when I was still in my early 20's that's what prompted me to go.
When I was cleaning out papers I found their manifesto a few days ago actually. I guess i kept it because it seemed like decent advice for anybody but I never look at it, went back in the box again.
Hopalong:
I found Pia Mellody's theories really exciting when I first encountered them in the 70s and still do. I'm glad you've been talking about them, Lighter, as they're coming back to me.
M is codependent and in my past, I was. I find myself taking a lot of steps to resist what I feel is his unconscious pull toward enmeshment. I do have sensitive radar for it, so if I'm not anxious but just ploddingly good at boundaries and retreat, I think we'll be okay.
For example, I stopped taking his late-evening phone calls, as I began to feel I was responsible for soothing him to relax for the night. And I just generally don't need as constant messaging and reconnecting as he does. I'm happy to have my every-other-day-off kind of pattern we've lapsed into.
If we continue as we are, though, I'll need to get used to DAILY companionship, and learning how to do that without codependent behaviors ruling the roost will be a challenge, I think.
Thanks for the reminder to revisit this stuff!
Hops
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