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Mindfulness and codependence thread

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lighter:
I was having a hard time deciding which thread to update, and realized these two topics need to be merged, so I'm starting a new thread.

This past weekend I wasn't able to remain level, and it was disturbing for me, bc my old negative judgments about myself kicked in, making it impossible to dig myself out.  Part of that was one dd's struggle that rubbed up against my own struggle.  It was unexpected, and her pain just knocked me sideways. 

After seeing T yesterday, I'm back to getting outside her pain, so I can be more responsive to her, and myself.  DD doesn't share many details, so I'm alarmed easily by some things I see, and don't have answers for.  I explained this today, but over the weekend we were both rocking and rolling in bad head spaces. I recognize dd's stoicism as one of my negative coping strategies.  It scares me for her.
   

I see I can't always be proactice around stress, and limiting it.  It just happens, often when I'm not expecting it where the girls are concerned.  I can do what I can with regard to MY stress.  Opening mail when I'm ready.  Not answering calls likely to upset me until I'm prepared. I can't always see the girls' stress coming before it overwhelms me, and then I lose ability to properly handle my own stress.  The frustration and disappointment I feel don't help ANYTHING.  Ever. 


To that end, I haven't figured out how to loosen the grip of survival mode when i I can't catch it early.  This weekend was a close up chance to really SEE the struggle as it happens, and notice how things go.

  Catching it before I drop into negative belief patterns might be a big part.  I can't tell yet.  Maybe I'm complicating it, and it's simpler than that. 

Breath. 
Focused attention.
Zero judgment.

Just that simple.  KISS.  Keep it simple silly. 

I'll practice, and continue building pathways, and rituals around what needs to be done.  There's no other choice but moving forward now.

T amazing, and helps remind, explain concepts in several says,  draw connections that build on each other,  and strengthen new strategies and understanding of all the above.  There will always be another COW (crisis of the week) for me, and the girls, and friends, etc.   Each COW has the same remedy.  I just have to master the reme.... NO.

I don't have to master anything.  That's one of the traps.  Believing I have to do things a certain way, and I just don't.  I can let go of that.

T told a story about a monk, I think.  The monk said he'd been practicing mindfulness for 30 years.
 WHen he mastered it, he'd move on to something else. I'm paraphrasing, but it's a thing. 


Every time I leave T's office I experience conflicting emotions around what's possible, and what's likely. 

What is possible feels very hopeful to me.

WHat is likely does NOT  feel hopeful to me. 

It's possible to figure out how to overcome our hijacked biology.

It's unlikely humans can overcome seeking/avoidance patterns in order to build something new, IME.

AAAaaaaand I'm back grappling with acceptance. 
 

Lighter

lighter:
My evening is easy, enjoyable, and what I would have referred to as 'flipping the switch" 2 or 3 years ago.

I did a check to see what else is going on... both dd's are having great evenings too.  One continued making good choices around food... grocery shopping after her workout, rethinking her choices, putting everything in her basket back, and doing something not involving food.  I just see that as a super fantastik sea change around choice for her.   I don't have to worry, bc she's perfectly capable of doing it herself. 

Other dd's energy and mood has improved since we talked this morning.  Both our energies and moods were low.  My parasympathetic nervous system was AWOL.  I was weepy, and vulnerable, and shared concerns about some things she's doing that remind me of things I've done, and I just really wanted her to understand some of it.  More to do with codependency, and traits.   I think it was time to share, and I'm glad I did it, even though I struggle with being vulnerable, and dropping my stoicism.   I did it.   I'm glad.  Ouch, but it's a good thing.   DD is fine, laughing and playing internet games with her friends, instead of sleeping in a dark room, barely eating. 

 


So, kids feeling OK =  I'm feeling OK.

I think I figured out some stuff that helps me too. It's not just that the girls are feeling better, IMO.
  I talked to a friend about some of the paperwork stuff, and this is someone who's known me since I was in  my early twenties, worked out with me, worked with me, lived with me, and gone through terrible times, hers and mine, and come through the other side.  I bounced stuff off of her, and we both figured some stuff out.   I needed her to understand some of the paperwork stuff, bc she just did not before that conversation. 

I see how difficult it is to get out of a spiral, even if I know what to do.  That's a piece of information I didn't see coming.  2 steps forward, one step back, but still moving forward.   

I enjoyed this big surge of creative energy...I  lit up the back porch, cleaned the table, changed batteries in candles, made a big beautiful salad with chopped egg, ham, carrots and hummus...  topped with a beet balsamic dressing I think I got at Aldis.. .good stuff. 

When I decided to run a bath, and light the essential oil lantern (peppermint tonight), I found I was also enjoying the feel of handling the Epson Salts, and scattering them in the water. That's not typical.   I can focus on the little things.  This is what it feels like to be in the zone for me, and I enjoyed making my white sheets pristine today.   

I thought about starting a sewing project to remove cool hoods from Goodwill items, embellish and sew onto tops and coats I already love, but wish had hoods.  That's new.  I've wanted to do it,  but this time I felt like doing it.   

I ran into dd on her way to shower, she had her self care products with her. I let her have the bathroom first, so I could take my time in the tub, then did another load of laundry and finished making my bed.  I look forward to sleeping on clean sheets with open windows, and cooler temperatures blowing in.  It rained all day, and the moss is so happy.

Nite.   

Twoapenny:
Lighter, I am going through very similar at the moment so I understood very well what you were writing about.  The attempt to 'catch' the reaction before it takes hold is something I am working very hard on and I find it much more difficult to catch when it involves son, in the same way you mention you needing the kids to be okay for you to be okay as well.  I do wonder if parents can ever be really alright if their children aren't?  I was saying to someone yesterday that I don't feel I can even begin to settle myself unless I know son is safe and happy.  I do understand what you mean.  And can't offer any words of wisdom!  I'm still struggling with it myself :)  I think with me (I don't know if it's the same with you) that it's a combination of adulthood trauma (paperwork, phone calls, legal battles, stalking incidents, harassment etc) that also triggers childhood trauma (not being heard, not being safe, not feeling valued) and current fear for child (are they safe?  are they happy?  are they making the same mistakes I did? should I let them?  or try to stop them?  am I a good enough parent for them?  and so on).  I was saying yesterday that when it's one of those aspects I can usually catch it coming and deal with it.  But when something triggers all three at the same time (which I think college/local authority battles are doing at the moment) then it's too strong and it just takes over quickly, and takes a long time to climb back down from.

As you say, I think perhaps all we can do is keep trying, keep practising, keep trying to create new links and routes and hope that, eventually, those pathways will be stronger and keep us in a more even place.  What I find difficult is that I don't feel there is sufficient opportunity to heal, because the wound keeps being ripped open with new or repeated incidents - smaller than the earlier ones but very real and present, none the less.  I think it's very hard to create the new pathways and new ways of being when you keep having to live your life every day and are kind of exposed every day to a possible trigger.  I remember saying years ago that if I could go off to some sort of retreat and spend a year healing - nothing else, just quiet, therapy, exercise, reading, healthy meals - I reckon I could achieve more than I have in twenty years of having to try and do it whilst dealing with everything else as it comes up.  But we can only keep trying, right?

Your description of your scented bath and then climbing into clean sheets sounded heavenly :)  I hope you enjoyed it xx

Hopalong:
Lovely thread topic (and posts) but I don't think my little ADD brain can separate these two topics very easily. I'll just chime in if I think I can say something that makes sense...

When it comes to sad children I can't.

Cheering y'all on,
Hops

lighter:
No worries, Hops.

Today I was working under a hemlock tree, and I kept seeing something out of the corner of my eye. It startled me over and over... three times.

I thought, I've worked under this tree many times, and this is just odd.

Then I remembered seeing something move out of the corner of my eye last night, startling me several times.   I saw something in the kitchen, that seemed to move, but it didn't.  Just glimpsed something my brain registered as new, or not supposed to be there.  A hemlock branch kept startling me.  Brain said NEW, not supposed to BE there.  I reminded myself of a dog, scared of something familiar... something he put in his own bed, then forgot.

I HAVE MY PERIPHERAL VISION BACK!

 I can't remember backing out of the drive this morning, and usually backing up is memorable bc I have to crank my neck so far to do it, it hurts.  I didn't crank my neck this morning. I have zero memory,  it just didn't register, bc I can see normally again!

 I did the brain integration session around my vision, and anxiety driving in reverse...  was that last year?  I addressed the anxiety, but not the narrowed vision.  I stopped walking around with 3 pairs of glasses on my head, and the anxiety improved markedly, but I was still having to turn my head to see what I used to take for granted.  My brain KNEW there was a probem, that things weren't OK. 

I have peripheral vision again, and the yard looks great! 

Lighter

 

 

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