Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
lighter:
Yesterday had 6 hours of driving in it, and would have been enjoyable if not for the traffic.
I worried a bit about a face to face with someone I've been conflicted about... over new and old offenses that finally caught up with me. I tend to pretend I'm unbothered, and ignore until I can't ignore any longer.
There were final straws. I put boundaries in place. I FELT like I was retaliating, but they were just boundaries, and you know what?
I
felt
better.
Better for having the boundaries in place.
Better for not having continued negative feelings.
Better for enjoying the visit.
Better for getting in and out, no drama. Not getting dragged into conversations I resent... usually me being grilled, and stupidly answering all the questions.
This time I wasn't grilled, and I was fine with the a typical silences.
I didn't have to endure gossip, or being told stupid things about myself that aren't true. Why do people repeat gossip about me TO ME? THis person used to. Not anymore. That's just a boundary, and it's a good thing.
Really great day.
I have a lunch with a friend who's graduated a 2 year meditation program recently. He's been scarce and I look forward to seeing him. 'Should be a great visit.
Lighter
lighter:
I entered my T's office in a very level mood this afternoon. '
I think the EMDR really helped get me into a better head space, so we dug into something unexpected.... I thought we'd be working on something from my childhood. Not today. Instead I chose the paperwork, and financial stuff that's been vexing me for years. T said it would likely lead back to childhood stuff. So be it. I needed to start there today.
SOmetimes it drives me to my knees.... like a sword driven into my shoulder, through my body..... and that makes things difficult to embrace, or finish, IME.
So, she let me escalate into the "story" for a while, then stopped me when I'd lost sight of the room. We moved away from the story, and into deep breathing...
in and out....
I breathed space into the tightness, and pulled apart mentally what felt like very dense cotton in the affected areas... replacing them with pink cotton full of air and light. Always brining light and spaciousness into the pain/tension, etc.
Then it was time to go to my happy place... my old tomato garden. It was all mine. I tilled it. Planted. Weeded. Tended the vines, watered and fed that lovely jungle of plants. It was marvelous, bc I was fit, and super happy on my own, post first divorce. Nothing like a crappy 2 years of marriage to make you remember how lovely it is to be alive and single. I filled baskets with lovely fruit for the people I loved, and I twirled happily in the sunshine. The taste of sun warmed tomatoes... the smell.... the sound of the birds... my toes wiggling in the grass.... the breeze, the butterflys, and crickets.
So, once I was "there", bc the mind can't tell if we're there for real or not, we did the EMDR but this time we added blinks. EMDR waving of her hand in front of my face... my eyes following her hand while picturing myself IN my garden then she'd say "Blink fast, once". Not easy to do, and my tongue wanted so badly to wag along with and help out.
It got easier as we went, to remain focused on the garden, and we progressed to two blinks. Then three. Then four. Then back to 2.
This is supposed to give the brain the chance to go ahead and process the emotions we brought up earlier. In seconds, just get on with it, bc the brain doesn't need much help. Just the chance. As I think of it the left side of my temporal lobe feels full, then relaxes. Strange.
At the end of it I couldn't quite find the strong emotions when I went back and thought about the story again. I tried. I just couldn't,and that was a good thing.
The story isn't important. What's important is the emotions and where they manifest in the body, and bringing compassionate attention to them, bc it's just time, and they're asking to be tended to.
The pressure was all gone, and there was just a tingle of anticipated pressure when I tried to find the strong emotions.
So, I got a good rant in about truly crappy training that goes into training our court officers, police officers, and got stuck on attorneys, and judgments around the money, and being stolen from all these years, with people pointing at me, accusing me of being a theif, a liar and and a cheat. THE NERVE!
OK.... see. There was a little indignation, but it didn't go into my body. It was more of an intellectual statement of facts, rather than something that swept me up, and robbed me of my ability to think clearly,and made me cry.
Like a child. That's so sad to me.
And it is old wounds that come back around, torn open and made present again. Right THERE, in your face, setting your feet rigth back in the place you were standing, FEELING IT ALL AGAIN that first time, and every time it comes up, fresh, and completely raw.... unprocessed.... asking for our calm attention so it can move on to where it wants to be. Refiled, and out of the here and now. In the past. Finsihed.
I am all for more of that.
::nodding::.
Hops, I'll be able to be more responsive regarding the things that really tick me off.... as listed a couple times today, if I'm not spinning when I think about them. It would be good to live a life with very little spinning, IMO.
Lighter
lighter:
Less resistance means there's space for other things, IME.
I about ducked while walking the trails this moring with baby girl pug. Something moved off to the right, and the flinch reminded me I'm still not used to having expanded vision. I'm always shocked when that happens. I wonder when I'll get used to it.
More ease, and less anxiety generally in my life is a relief, bc I trust myself driving again.
Life is better, even though diving into trauma stories brings up some anxiety the day of T sometimes. Sometimes I'm completely relaxed about it.
I will say this... I AM STARVING, hungry all the time, Yogi MUST EAT, starvin and Marvin, y'all.
It's a thing; )
Friend with gallstones, who was taking Phosfood, seems to have found relief without having her gallbladder removed. She'll go in for a scan soon, as it's been about 6 months since the last one, to see if there's any difference.... hoping stones have been dissolved.
She's been eating smaller portions, and dropped 20 lbs, bc of that change, with zero increased activity.
My sib's FIL just went into the hospital with gallstones, and will schedule surgery for removal of gallbladder very soon, so that's disturbing. So many gallbladder problems.
Lighter
Hopalong:
So happy that you're finding ways to deal with the anxiety, Lighter.
I majored in it and know how miserable it is. Driving is huge.
Glad too that your friend is doing better with her gallstones. Wonderful outcome.
I think you have expanded vision in more ways than you know.
I'm off to the airport in an hour, still half packed, as usual.
Will check in tomorrow if my suitcase finds me!
Hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Processed food is killing a lot of people. Having Steve around, and a pro chef too, I'm way more conscious of how I eat and what I'm cooking. I think it's possible to completely lose one's taste for processed stuff; and it happens more quickly than one would expect. Also, I think it's a thrifty choice too. A pound of carrots can go into 4-5 different meals and is usually under $1. Yes indeed, the "investment" is in the menu, the meal planning & cooking. I've learned to see that investment of time & energy as self-care, caring for others, giving back, and a creative endeavor. Big shift for me from my years with Mike.
I still have my vices food-wise; but my strategy for changing habits has always leaned more toward increasing the "good stuff" and eventually, the bad stuff will go away. It doesn't look as if one is doing anything and that part of our brains that identifies with things doesn't get all riled up and resistant. It's almost applying some of the principles of "push hands" to habits. Works for me anyway.
CoDependence query:
What is it that makes people repeat a mistake of being engaged with toxic people? Or relationships that eventually become acknowledged as "one way"?
I can't decide if it's just a habit of neural pathways or an "emotional click" into something that feels familiar. And maybe it's something completely different. The very same people can have strong healthy boundaries but still find themselves repeating the errors of judgement in discerning people and relationships. It's that moment when someone "takes the bait" and the hook gets set, like a fish that I'm wondering about.
And then, there is the moment when they realize they've done it yet again - and now find the process of extricating themselves irritating, painful, or devastating.
This isn't any observation of myself or anything I'm going through. Just observing people around me and pondering the concepts.
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