Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
Hopalong:
BRAVO, Lighter!
Despite its imperfect representatives,
the world was not your enemy for the blood draw.
I'm really happy for you that you opened yourself up
to what was going right. Even the things that you did not
control...generally went all right.
You trusted the universe a bit! Ignorant gum chewing
strangers! Nobody died because you weren't hyper vigilant!
More bravos.
Hugs,
Hops
lighter:
Thanks, Hops!
I really did feel hypervigilance battled the garden for dominance on that bus.
I felt like I was stuck between the two at times, but kept trying hard to smell sunny tomatoes and vines...
tomatoes and vines...
tomatoes and vines, lol.
And it worked!
We signed up for the May blood drive at school. I didn't know one bag of (gently shaken) blood could help up to 3 people.
The techs have these little rocking tables that cradle the bags as they fill up so they don't clot. And every time I looked I was astonished it didn't bother me. I noticed the red blood filled line... nothing!
I saw the needle before it went into dd's arm.... NOTHING.
The blood bead coming out of my arm, bc it just wouldn't clot.... nu thin.
No reactivity at all.
This is astonishing, particularly bc of the smell in that closed in area AND the close proximity to other people which added stress.
My T will be so pleased: )
Lighter
ps I think we will be "socially distancing" longer than 2 weeks also... sadly.
A 2 week incubation period seems likely... I keep hearing that from many sources. I have to begin that countdown today after all the running around, touching stuff and being closer than 6 feet to people at several different places, which is stupid, but man... it's SO HARD to stop doing it, IME.
Twoapenny:
Well done on getting through that, Lighter! Wow, that is a big shift, I'm really pleased for you :) xx
lighter:
Thanks, Tupp.
I had a WhatsApp appointment with T this morning and she was very pleased about the blood donation experience too. It's amazing how strong our minds are and how putting the stories on the shelf frees us up.... delivers us from reactivity.
I shared some upsetting recent reactions with her.... waking at 1am feeling anxious then 3am and eating both times instead of feeling in my body.... comforting my anxiety as I would a small child... asking it if I need to do something now... like flee a burning house. If not, let it know we'll deal with it in the morning.... breathe to activate PNS parasympathetic nervous system and do what can be done, then go back to sleep.
She said it's very common to seek out dairy and ice cream.... to eat things familiar from infancy.... seeking food and safety and comfort from exterior things under stress, esp for women. The stress really shows us where those old pathways are and how strong they are.
I also have a desire to b slap a certain face when I see it on TV, which I'm avoiding like, ahem, the plague. It's still reactivity showing me where it lives in my body. I can give it attention, without judgment, and wait for what comes up around it. Breath light and spaciousness around it.
I know what it feels like to tend to the new pathways while resisting the old.. I just did it on the blood bus. It's a habit we cultivate daily and notice when stress overwhelms us or threatens to overwhelm us. Remembering to do it, when under big stress, will get easier as we cultivate new pathways daily. I know this, but the stress makes it difficult to remember.... living in the amygdala shuts down higher thinking. Is paralyzing. Breathing engages the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) and calms down our biology..... unhooks the alarm bells so we can think and reason... problem solve again. Center ourselves and give up expectations we can control anything outside ourselves.
There will always be chaos around us and it;s normal to want to control what we can. Learning to calm ourselves, as default setting, means we learn to live in the eye of the chaos. The collective chaos is all around us, which is more stress than normal.
T shared story of Vietnamese boat people struggling to stay alive in times of intense fear on the Sea. If everyone despaired at once, it was the end of them. If just ONE person remained centered and mindful... it was contagious... everyone calmed down.... like a chain reaction, and they survived.
If we remember we can't control anything external, make peace with that and control what we can, then give up expectations... we're centered in our bodies and the eye of the storm.
I'm reminding myself here... non-judgmental self-compassion..... curiosity..... releasing the stories we've held for so long.... tending to the physical sensations around the stress.... remember to breathe.
I'm strengthening my tomato garden with more tactile detail.... the prickly vines.... the feel of warm tomatoes..... along with the sight and smell... the sound of the bugs.... that works for me. I wonder when that will be my default: )
It's a good thing I had that appointment, bc last night was jarring.... disrupted sleep, self-defeating self-soothing activities.... difficulty overcoming reactivity. It all seems so clear when I get out of fight or flight mode.
It feels like practicing a biology hack....
a shortcut to re-centering myself, which honestly is impossible if I try to think my way out of it. I'm so grateful to have this experience and ability in my life.
Lighter
lighter:
My sister's FIL passed away this afternoon. It was agony in many ways, bc he'd just moved to a hospice situation in Canada..... and BIL wasn't prepared for him to go so soon. They expected him to live another 3 months. My sister fought like a bulldog to keep him hydrated, lucid and... it doesn't matter now.
I'm conflicted about the hospice situation but so glad he's no longer suffering.
He was a good man. A hard worker. A committed family man and Grandpa. He immigrated from Italy to Canada with zero English language skills. He worked like 3 men on the railroad, till his legs were crushed, then he went back to work like 2 men, splitting his own wood well into his old age, making hundreds of gallons of wine for the family every year, growing food and making old-world sausages... canning food and sharing it.
It was a very rich life.
Nono, may you rest in peace.
You are loved and will be missed
Farewell,
Lighter
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