Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
Hopalong:
Really, really lovely to read, Lighter.
The balance and undeterred intention of your direction.
The way a toxic thought oozed to the surface and it was
no longer familiar.
I loved that!
So glad to read all this balance of happiness and focused
intentional contentment. Wonnnnnderful depiction.
Yay,
Hops
lighter:
Thank you, Hops.
Tupp....I think the pandemic is a piece of it, but all the study and new T and coping strategies are larger factors.
If we'd cleaned out Dad's house 2 years ago, it would have been a different experience, for sure.
It feels like I have the chance to see and feel farther than before....or beyond reactivity...consistently, as a choice.
It feels like I'm stepping into what I used to only glimpse and memontarily touch.
Like I'm beginning to inhabit that space.....as byproduct of new habits, rather than purposefully DOING it or trying to get there, etc.
And experiencing positive things, unexpectedly, isn't so amazing or surprising now. I guess I'm getting used to this new norm.
The pandemic happening, when it did or after a lot of work with new T, probably moved things along faster bc it was real challenge and fear we (T and Lighter)worked through together....I wasn't on my own or overwhelmed for long.
More pandemic isolation, with T's support, was practice and space, rather than unresolved additional trauma and isolating feelings of being cut off...I guess.
Being introverted was helpful too, of course.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
That sounds like the new habits becoming the default setting, Lighter, with the old stuff being the unusual bit that doesn't fit properly any more. How amazing. And all down to your hard work as well, slogging away for all those years to rework it and change and make things different. What an amazing thing to give to yourself and your girls. And yes, I can understand completely how dealing with your father's effects now can feel so different to doing it at a point in the past. It's amazing how our change of perspective changes the way things affect us. But only comes with time, I think? I don't know that there's a magic shortcut to things not being painful any more. Very glad that it's been such a cathartic experience for you and that it hasn't dragged you off into a place you didn't want to go xx
lighter:
Tupp:
I stored things at my Dad's, so there were painful jabs while dealing with them. Feelings if being.....well....feelings you can imagine being dragged through threatening systems by PD people doing all they can to destroy you while focusing painfully on your children to leverage and do trauma....and what was lost while defending and eventually counter attacking, which isn't in my normal character.....what it all cost my children, nieces and nephew.
THAT was tough, then came the home movies with shift in perspective. Turning away from a closed door of joy was how it felt....and I realized how attached I've been to the loss. I realized I don't want to manufacture that now very familiar dynamic in the present.....it was an emotional release....like a hand releasing something hot. A reaction....not a response, which is weird to BE reactive, suddenly, in a healthy way! Maybe for the first time, and bc of all the information taking root and space....crowding out old habits and unconscious beliefs.
Honestly, mining the depths of unconscious beliefs is a layer of work moving things forward in jerks and spasms, feels like, IME, but.... that's part of moving forward and inhabiting new space....not leaving any major layers of habit and understanding unseat with and behind, holding back, dragging behind, clawing and struggling....taking focus back, rattling and creating distraction I couldn't identify before but now tend to and try very hard to process and move into historic files with intention.
I feel I'm not at all done, but now have basic tools benefiting my style and ability to cope....to expand my window of resilience, as my T says.
Writing that out.....I feel very keenly the years of frustration and confusion when feeling centered and in the zone went away.
I have such compassion for myself and inability to just FIX it. The more I tried to think my way out, the harder it was.
I did collect useful information helping me understand and make sense of the therapy sessions, which I don't think I would have, otherwise.
I could be wrong, of course. Dropping expectation is a default now, not just a fleeting comfort during crisis and terrifying threats I couldn't control.
I think I believe all will be well, all the time now, rather than believe or struggle to believe, bc I'm stuck in my limbic system too long, not understanding why or how to get OUT if I can just remember to breathe and get very curious...things start falling into place, like dominoes. Feeling better begins dropping into place and new unconscious belief systems begin organizing , shifting, building and finally taking up residence without creating resistance and persistence of the old, if that makes sense.
Not only levels to notice and attend to, but ways to attend to help the process, rather than force and extend, with more frustration and judgment popping up, which I remember keenly suffering through.
THAT has largely been extinguished, as of now. I AM kind to myself.
I DO stop shame and guilt before it gets inside.
I don't judge...and that's key. Its6also a work in progress. So.etimes I have to remember, backtrack and SEE the situation without reactive anger.....and I do try. I think I mostly succeed now, and it's an amazing lesson if I don't. I compare and notice how each feeeeels, so different.
Again, a small release of emotionally dropping something dangerous and hot.
Maybe the real shift is understanding how detrimental old habits truly are....believing....internalizing and processing fully so all the reward evaporates and leaves a void where new defaults are primed to....slide into place. The old default patterns fully processed and moved into historic files with a resounding slam.
Maybe. Not sure. Writing that last part doesn't feel as solid or known and understood, frankly, but I suspect that's the case.
Lighter
lighter:
ILighterI had dinner with moss friend after being so busy we didn't connect for a while.
It was great....she made soup and salad. I was famished and so grateful for mommy food. I palm rolled her locks, which took a lot of energy and friction, but so satisfying to figure out and see the tight, neat improvement.
We have a lot in common, but I'm mist excited about her help in organizing my house. She's a whizbang at it.
I like her dh well enough, as we have things in common too.
I have to finish blowing leaves before tomorrow's rain. Yesterday my I dropped onto the ground and pulled weeds from neighbor's yard....it felt like meditation AND it works toward both yards being weed free.
Today is all blowing, bc weeding is easier in wet soil. I feel like I'm exactly where I belong doing what I should be doing with an understanding big change is on the way.
Lighter
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