OK. My appointment with T didn't go as planned today. We were going to do work around the initial assault against me by ASDPD N stbx husband, the sound of oldest dd calling out for me, feeling I was going to die and the helplessness feeling of being at the mercy of someone I didn't recognize, and who was cutting off my air, then ripping my hair out with hatred in his eyes... feeling at the mercy of the legal system, the law enforcement agencies, my own attorneys, and the people AROUND me who could stand up for me, help protect me, but didn't in many cases, or actually worked to put me in prison.... shocking, but not at all upsetting to think about now.
Wow. Not even a blip.
Turned out the calm I've been experiencing has become an enduring calm. T said my primitive nervous system re set itself. We discussed this from many angles... many different spiritual POVs, neuroscience POV.... lots of discussion around it. Very interesting. Everyone's journey will be their own. Everyone will require pieces of a puzzle presented in the way they need to receive it. This made profound sense to me.
T said the changes are permanent, and wiring into my brain as we spoke. My gray matter is changing. The more I practice, the more insight will come..... she calls the insight "fruits and flowers."
I'm a believer, and then I brought up the two discussions I'd had with my Martial Arts instructor just before this amazing shift.
T said that yoga, and martial arts are 90% spiritual work, mindfulness, and being present, and 10% or less physical action. She experiences breakthroughs during yoga, and isn't surprised to hear I'd practiced martial arts with single-minded purpose for many years.
And then I told her about a dream I had about my Martial Arts instructor a day or two after the shift.
I lived in a cool apartment... old moldings, high ceilings, neutral... restful lived in well loved spaces... and Martial Arts Instructor (F) was visiting with me. We were chatting, and enjoying each others company, like old times... very engaged as we'd been during our phone calls and I was so looking forward to a longer visit with him.
I turned to youngest dd's bf and told him we needed to get to school.. chop chop. He looked down, snurled up his face and whined he was very high... too high to go to school. I noticed dd standing nearby, quiet..... not speaking... then I looked back at F to check back in, and let him know when I'd be back, but he was already gone, and he'd taken his red suitcase, but left his red purse behind, which upset me very much.
I grabbed the purse and set off after to him... to catch him, and give him back his purse but the staircase was full of people. With my hand on the post, my feet raised up and floated. I noticed this and released my grip on the post.... and continued rising up until I was up against the wall, near the ceiling with a view of everything around me. It was nice, and i woke up having never caught MAI.
I looked up the floating bit at a site called Dream Bible: To dream of yourself floating in the air represents the feelings about yourself being incredible or doing noticeably incredible things. Feeling safe that people can't oust you or outsmart you. Living in stasis with a higher level of achievement.
THIS FEELS SO RIGHT FOR ME NOW!
T talked about the color red, associated with the Root Chakra symbolizing energy, courage, action, physical and emotional survival.... passion.... strength... confidence... security, grounding spiritual effects, etc.
She thought the red luggage was F's connectedness with spirituality and felt he'd gifted a female version to me, in the form of the red purse. T felt I tried to give it back to him, but he wanted me to have it, and the floating was my acceptance and gratitude, spiritual/angle view of the world. Certainly, F wasn't the sort to carry a tailored 1950's bright red purse; )
OK, I have this family trip coming up. T talked about things that might be difficult to handle, and everything came back to the practice.... breathwork.... noticing what's around me... the somatic sensations.
She invited me to pay attention to where I feel the ME part of myself lives. In the head, the chest, outside me? I promised I'd spend time tending to that. I love stretching and working out with sun warmed muscles, so that will happen at the beach without thinking about it. There's a lot of flow going on for me right now. Intuition is in charge. Sometimes I'm done with something before I notice it needs doing. Sometimes I SEE something I've walked by 100 times I wouldn't have walked by 15 years ago.... it's just different, and I feel very alone in my head... meaning the judgments of others have evaporated, and there's peace and clarity and knowing left... it's marvelous: )
I told her I was surprised to wake up feeling different, when the shift happened. I'd had no idea what I would experience as I set to working on feeling better....
honestly... what is it we think will happen as we work toward that kind of goal? I guess to feel better in increments. That's not how this happened, which is to say... that's how it happened when I was just coping. There were increments, and accompanying periods of adjustment that wasn't always comfortable. This just WAS..... a switch flipped to ON... I'm thinking in my sleep. No hangover or adjustment period. Just noticing, and relief.
This is confusing for me, and I'm back to the face on the glass example for how it felt to cope and try to feel better... to work on feeling better... to practice mindfulness as a coping strategy, and thinking about relieving stress in the brain so the brain could finish processing things that were really stuck, keeping me focused on the trauma stuff.... like a parade of toddler need swirling around my head all day, every day. Once that processed, it freed up processing space for what's here, in front of me. I practiced, and felt better, but it came and went.
I didn't notice the shift. I noticed feeling better in her office while we practiced and worked together bc we'd put numbers on the sensations all during the practice. It was just practice, and I'm still practicing, but something came of the practice that wasn't there, and I think I'm just happily surprised that what I'd been told would happen HAPPENED.
I told her it felt like I passed through the glass... like a membrane I didn't realize I could pass through.... it was a surprise. Another surprise. POV from the side of the glass where I was coping, and slogging along with my brain bogged down. The side of the glass where I could SEE the truth of what was, and is.... without the emotional toddlers clanging for attention. Tending to them meant I could pass through the glass... like a cell wall.... bc everything that needed to align... aligned. Just like in a cell..... so many things have to happen for a synapse to take place. It's a miracle every time, IMO. That's how this feels.
She said I'd been diligently pulling weeds in my garden, and found a flower had grown in place of the weeds. I wish I'd had some idea what it was I was striving for. I feel like I missed something then find myself sitting in the middle of it.
She explained the knowing... the enlightenment.... is sort of like doing martial arts. You go straight to the truth. The Buddha knew about atoms and cells before science could prove they existed... he could just see that truth in the body.
Cut.
That's what enlightenment is..... cutting straight to the truth.... not messing with the difficult emotions around setting boundaries, or judgment, or thoughts about the past or future..... we just go straight to what is, and leave out what is not. Life is simpler with this POV.
She said that the work takes place when we feel safe enough and at some point the scales tipped, and my brain re set itself in a millisecond. No whistles or bells, or band playing.
I'm noticing my body hasn't quite "remembered" what it once knew. I experience some muscle memory that includes moving too fast, in old hurried ways I'm surprised to notice.
Sometimes I notice a little flutter in my chest, the beginnings of old anxiety, but then it stops. Like it's an old pathway remembering it used to be online, then remembering it's not anymore. Or like it tries to start up, but doesn't have the energy to. T said that's normal, and the mind heals itself. It will stop eventually.
I'll just keep practicing, being mindful, and picturing energetic cords cut with a sword... I do that every day... many times a day. Front, back, top and bottom. I believe; )
That's my update, and I'll probably rewrite this later. I admire Hops' skill with the written word at times like this.
Lighter