Tupp:
I think partly it was the prep for court, but also just the hyper-vigilant state of BEING. We had to live with every consequence, which was out of our control, so we became hyper-focused on everything we could control.
T and I talked about food stuff at last appt. It was't about what I thought it would be about, I'll say that. More about control and feeling unworthy balled up together.
While packing yesterday I notice that old familiar sense of urgency creep in. I noticed it, banished it or didn't and went on. Banishing is better. Much better. This moring has been pure joy in motion... just focused solely on ONE thing at a time, in the present... so nice.
I hope the new pathways, old business filed away in historic files (no longer creating the reactivity that USED to pop up in those areas) and being aware... able to choose something else (most of the time, not ALL the time) is working itself into a new way of BEING in the world. Of SEEING and FEELING and, more than anything, of cutting out the chatter maybe.....
like I'm a firewall maybe? At some point, maybe the firewall will simply be that open amazing field my T keeps referring to..... SO MUCH SPACE.... and there won't be much chatter or judgment to deal with at all. And I'll BE that open spacious grassy field with a view of all the trees and pebbles and flowers without effort.
Maybe there will be automatic acceptance and curiosity about EVERYTHING..... maybe?
Last night I was tired and about to sleep when I felt a little weird... not bad or good, just weird. I thought.... Is this what my Dad had? A little brain bleed and will it kill me or leave me recovering from a stroke? It's hereditary.
The interesting part of that, from my perspective, is I wasn't worried or frightened or upset or wishing I'd done A, B and C that day.... I was just at peace with it and curious what would come next. Truly. Curious. No stomach flip at the thought. It was acceptance.... as default. I guess. It felt so much better than what I think of as my "normal" response.
BTW, I think my brain was adjusting to 12-hour fasts AND small amounts of nutrition-dense foods....salads and bone broths with lots of water(sprinkled with a little pink salt) taken with anti-inflammatories.
I've also been stretching ANYTIME I stand up and feel a bit stiff. I refuse to walk funny ONE MORE STEP. I don't care where I am or who sees.... I STRETCH and that takes care of the stiffness.
My left hip started creeking earlier this week... meaning I noticed some hinkiness with lifting left knee, which was a problem this time last year. The stretches I got from the book PAIN FREE fixed it, more precisely so that's a no brainer.... DO THAT.
I gave a copy of the book to my neighbor whose overcoming catastrophic illness, and I'm curious to see how he feels about it and if he tries it. I'm not sure if he can read well or at all... he lost his good eye during the illness, had a stroke, lost a lot of skin and some ligaments.... other things, but he's a warrior and mostly engaged in Western medicine to gut his way back... had his colostomy reversed, but expressing huge interest in "alternative" ideas at this point, for the first time. He's "awake" now.
The book PAIN FREE by Pete Egoscue is a big deal with alternative med practitioners... .there's a clinic near my very active friend who suffers from cartilage loss (major loss) in his shoulders mostly, but knees too and he still... he plays high-level tennis, bikes 60 miles a week average, swims, works out with weights used to compete in Jujitsu... triathlons, monitors his sleep with his fit bit, etc. He's been going to his ortho guy, getting death shots, discussing surgery while I've been saying GO TO THE EGOSCUE CLINIC and just see what they have to say! You're lucky to live a half-hour away from them, GO! They'll align all the joints in your body and you can start building the cartilege back! But noooo... he wouldn't do it until his orthopedic surgeon told him to, lol.
Last week his ortho guy told him to try Egoscue.
The active friend called to say he made that appt. They asked him some interesting questions....
"Did he have a fear of snakes?" I thought that was very interesting, yes yes yes.
He went on..
"How did he feel about shrunken heads?"
Well that tells you how friend really feels about it. He's joking now, but honestly... I think he's desperate and Western meds done all it can without making jello of the joints, which happens sometimes before folks get to Egoscue.
I have no feelings about it either way and I have to say... last year this time I would have felt resentment and frustration over his refusal to make that appointment a year ealier. Now... 3 years after i began suggesting it.... he goes bc his Ortho told him to. That he's done more damage and not begun treating the cause and building back those joints.....
feels.....
almost neutral for me. There was a small shot of heat through my stomach, but I think it was almost my expectation I'd feel something negative.
I don't.
This is huge progress, IMO. I used to worry about his joints, and fret and neeeed him to make that appointment. That's changed.
I'm limiting my radio/tv severely. I notice I go to turn them on without thinking about it. NOT turning them on refocuses me and helps dial in what's going on inside. Things pop up. I breathe mindfully often throughout the day, which IME is a game-changer.
The boat trip will be sometime in the next 5 days... depending on weather. I'm not keen on loading the boat down then taking off in high seas, nope nope nope. I'll get wet no matter what's going on, but want things to be relatively calm and sunny. Brother said 20 foot waves are 40 feet tall. DID I post that already? That's super interesting to me. I have a fascination with the ocean, some fear and lots of wonder. My hope is to learn how to drive the boat, handle it in any conditions and make the trip myself. I think I'll know pretty quickly if it's my thing or not. WOO HOO! Deep sea fishing again soon! Not much, and only Queen Trigger fish.... so much fun. Better than lobster, SO GOOD.
The journey continues.
Lighter
