Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
Hopalong:
Quick hits:
Who has a fully integrated brain? Not me.
Very sad story about your mother's neglect/abandonment. What age were you actually when she died? I could see/imagine the toddlers' distress. I am very sorry.
Pugs are psychic, like all dogs. Blesshim/her.
Sorry Nurse Neighbor isn't a loyal sister and participating in your YG boundaries as a loyal solidarity-sister would. But so good that you've made yours clear. What matters most.
Want to share more about Sister? She was important.
Last. The image of your instinct being to dig in fingernails and HURT your inner child was heartbreaking.
I'm so glad you have a trusted T to do this work with.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
My sister was with me our entire child and babyhoods, so.....whatever I suffered, she suffered the same or very similar.
My mom died when I was 52, but we weren't close.....for many reasons. We got closer the last 2 years if her life, which was good.
I'm still wirking on LL: )
I'm in the yard.....millions of leaves to deal with. No time to think about the nurse, but I plan on being super compassionate when I do.
lighter:
Moving through my days...... I touch base with LL and pay attention to what she's thinking. Mostly, she's watching to see what I'm going to do and I think there's comfort and familiarity....... LL is feeling OK about retiring to the background and feeling safe enough to let go and play..... let go of the worry and decisions she never should have had to deal with. Feeling safe enough to rest and trust I have things covered.
The shift with recent conversatins with retired nurse is where I really see it. A little heartbreaking, but so good. So time. So right and exactly how it should be.
About the nails in the forearm, Hops.... I don't think LL knew how to speak up, answer for herself FOR herself. I think she was always reacting OR resisting, but never heard or seen or appreciated for who she was, as a separate person.... always a part of her mother an how she reflected on her mom.
LL didn't even know how to respond..... is learning now.
Things are going pretty good. Some poor food choices have created some physical discomfort. It's problematic, but self inflicted. I understand it and can deal with it. It's just doing it consistently, while others make iffy choices.... sticking to my guns and doing what I know feels better.
Last night we went to Drag Karaoke and it was a blast!!! When we arrived at 10pm, Drag Bingo was still going strong.... was supposed to end at 10pm, but went an extra half hour. Very interesting to watch and get situated in the club as that ended.
The music was amazing..... the Drag Queen taking over the Karaoke portion of the evening was sparkly and beautiful....mezmerizingly beautiful and funny..... sang with the weaker singers to help them out.
The crowd was exactly right.....not too big, dance floor large enough to handle what the people were giving AND there was enough seating for everyone....the club felt full, but not crowded. It was amazing and we danced.... DD20 sang 4 songs and was super popular with the room, as well as all the.....
I guess I'd call them the alpha boys. Best singer, most interesting singer, most straight appearing boy, etc..... and then there was the boy who brought his own music request.... and he rocked that stage with a rap NO ONE SAW COMING.....the Drag Queen was super shocked and super impressed.... not an easy thing to do. That boy buzzed DD's tower and I gotta say...... DD needed to get out of the house and into the world. This was that.
The Drag Queen sort of did a duo with DD on the 4th song...... that was good, bc Drag Queen wasn't feeling much warmth toward DD that first song. DD and I danced many songs with me leading...... lots of twirling....... esp to the amazing singer who did 2 Frank Sinatra songs...... sounded JUST LIKE HIM! Didn't miss a beat. There were so many great singers, honestly and DD held her own, danced more than the others. It equaled out!
We're compiling a list of songs to choose from.... the crowd pleasers and ones suiting DD's range. I'll sing with her next time, but I'm not a singer so.... it's for DD's pleasure, and not the club's, that I serve.
Will wear more comfortable shoes next time and more interesting attire..... it was so much fricking fun, guys! So much to watch, everyone sang from their tables and the energy was super supportive for every singer.... so me barely squeaked, but that was endearing and appreciated too.
DD said i can choose an Insane Clown Posse song..... will see how that goes.
lighter:
OK.... saw T today. Over the holiday it became clear 4yo Lighter wasn't expecting me to stick my finger nails into her forearm.... she was just aware I've self sabotaged myself.... all of myselves and she wants me to erect healthy boundaries and hold them to protect us all, which is fair and makes sense. I'm working on it.
During that session, I went and picked up 8mo Lighter and took her to my home where she was very happy. I chose water and processed through the feelings 8mo Lighter had to process around not being seen or heard by parents who just weren't capable. That was good.... very sad as the T's compassionate focus and care was stark contrast to what my sibs and I received from such young parents who saw themselves and their needs and not little souls requring mirroring and attunement.
T wrote mad notes, things clicking for her as we talked and workd and processed....... the enabling behavior finally has a point of origin.
Last night I was trying to book flights to the island with DD20 and DD said.....
"I'll go, but you have to make a promise to not people please, bc if you do that, then I'm stuck doing it too."
It was a good jumping off point for the Therapy appointment and there was an incident at the lake with our late father's caretaker where I found myself putting up a boundary around her showing up with her DD, SIL and GS15..... just showing up, out of the blue, no plans,.which is horrible, bc her family doesn't want to be there, the rudely refuse to speak English even though they all speak it just fine and the SIL KNOWS better than to just show and her DD puts off murder energy in my direction, in particular and my sister's..... my niece was keenly aware of it and terribly upset by it. My oldest DD22 actually got into her car and drove away when they arrived....no goodbye. We just watched her car go by.
The second night they did this I finally pointed out the fact we can't understand them is bc they don't want us to AND asked the caretaker if she;d received in invitation either eventing before showing up. Caretaker stammered and said she'd phoned my brother and his two children but "no one answered."
I took out my phone and looked at my history, dramatically, then pointed out there was no attempt to contact me. My sister started filling their arms with food, then scooted them to the door where caretaker asked... :"Am I leaving now?" Ummm.... yes, yes you are and then they were gone.
My brother agreed he feels awkward when theyr'e around,w hcih is a refreshing bit of honesty from the beginning when he asked ME if I was the problem wtih the awkwardness youngest DD and I felt when we visited them. We all STOPPED going and they just let the house become filthy and then it was time for them to go and the important thing is they're gone, they own a great home with an extra lot and they're all employed and planning Christmas in Canada, which is where I think all these visits were coming from......
it felt like they were fishing for an invitatin from my sister for them to stay in their home,which is never going to happen, bc of the murder energy coming off the DD....... and I feel she's entitled to whatever her feelings ARE.....I simply have removed myself from exposure. I think we've all been removed and it needed to happen, bc caretaker and DD are very loud and intrusive people who had to be aware they were inflicting themselves on us, but without fear we'd ever erect a boundary.....
which happens to not be the case, comes to find.
And I'm ready to let it go. I have no feelings about it, other than wishing I'd done it that first ngith so there wasn't a repeat.
No emotional upset. My oldest DD would have been there for the games that night. No one would have to feel awkward, including the SIL and Grandson15. This all feels very timely and I'm sometimes shocked at how assertive I CAN be, then how stress or sickness knocks that progress back.
My BIL and I were laying a floor when the caretaker and family arrived that first night. We weren't expecting to entertain ior make a big dinner, but there we were...... entertaining and cooking too much food and pretending everything was fine....... but that does't have to be how I go forward another minute. Ever.
That feels very safe and I think every part of me will breathe a sigh of relief for it.
Brother and Sister are on board.... my niece was tremendously relieved..... both my DDs were, as well.
Typcally we aren't communicating very well, which leads to no one knowing what anyone planned, but I thnk that's going to self correct too.
My brother is beign very polite and helpful and engaging when I speak to him. His grown children live withi him and seem very happy to be there....... mostly. My niece has a problem with brother's gf, and I wish niece could release that blaming POV and shift into awareness and what SHE can do instead of feeling victimized. All in all, I have such hope for my niece. She seems to be more mature and self reflective, comparatively speaking. There's promise there and intelligence. At a point, she said she'd sought telemed mental healthcare, but it wasn't good. I hope she finds someone to help her walk through her issues to get her nose off her pebbles. Honestly, some of those pebbles belong to other people.
lighter:
I'm trying to check in with LL and 8mo Lighter consistently. They're so safe, here in this feminine world of women and Pug. It brought tears to see that 8mo baby in this house....such a relief. She's safe now. So is LL.
My dd20 recently said she can't imagine raising children without a village. Parents are too spread out, too busy.....too many directions and duties to properly care for wee ones, in her opinion.
Then she said 2 things that stunned me, as she's been rather rough on me.
She would want my help 25% of the time with any children she has. This was the first time she's considered having children. Usually she's sure she'll never have any.
Second, she said she thought I would have been the perfect mom had it not been for the legal and ongoing siege. Broke my heart and healed it in one sentence.
There's some climate worries in the house right now. Fear. Anger. Confusion and disbelief it's not a priority for the entire globe. Nose on the Pebble = suffering.
I noticed I'm ok when my girls struggle. 2 years ago that wouldn't have been possible.
The journey continues and I hope in every direction hope seems warranted. Not as many as you'd thino, perhaps.
Acceptance changes biochemistry and integrates the brain, ime. Another light switch I've learned to reach. Simple and beautiful.
We should teach mindfulness in US schools, imo. The real thing.
Lighter
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