Author Topic: Mindfulness and codependence thread  (Read 85659 times)

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #150 on: March 31, 2020, 07:35:11 PM »
I like Buck even more than I did, Amber.

His ability to remain level headed, even while he's worried deeply about his dd and struggling with ongoing medical issues and pain.  Just... wow.  He seems like a very special gem.

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #151 on: April 01, 2020, 09:07:05 AM »
Lighter - one thing he's VERY good at, is jumping right into that amygdala space and "doing". He's even mastered control within it. And I've watched him in the moment - decide if he was going there or not - he doesn't have to and isn't hijacked into it.

It's pretty impressive.

But he still sees it as kind of a bad thing, despite the fact that behind all that is giant heart full of caring. I'm working on that with him, at a glacial pace.  ;)
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #152 on: April 01, 2020, 11:47:50 AM »
Amber:

My brain goes a little weak when I read you're looking forward to Buck coming to the farm... that you feel he'd support you and your highest mental health BUT you aren't feeling up to the challenge of all the personalities interacting at the moment. This was on your thread.

I'm paraphrasing here, but... is it possible to have Buck to the farm soon, but you aren't doing that?  I'm not saying it's a good idea.  I just want to understand.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #153 on: April 01, 2020, 11:59:55 AM »
I see that concern too.
NOT about Buck coming, that's so overdue and wonderful!

I just don't get the immediate planning to invite virus refugees on a list from Hol. Who may be asymptomatic carriers, who may not connect well in the very delicate emotional ecosystem that has happened on your mountain including many meltdowns and a lot of pain for you.

Could it not JUST be Buck for a while, until you two have that time there together?

Does it HAVE to be command central, or compound central, for all these extra Hol-people?

If it makes you happy, then it's the right thing to do. I'm just concerned you may be "people project-ing" yourself right back into overload.

I keep thinking, whose mountain is this, anyway?

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #154 on: April 01, 2020, 05:52:21 PM »
OK -- clarifying first --

Hol does have a list; but she's not inviting the whole list. At the moment, John, who's been here supporting her & helping me, has been here since October. Not constantly, because he has done day trips, up until January or so. M, the GF, is just one more person - and worth it for her level-headedness, creativity, industriousness and tact. And she NEEDS this space and quiet too. It's a good fit.

I'll bop back to my thread for the rest. This is enough derailing over here!  ;)
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #155 on: April 01, 2020, 10:02:10 PM »
Got it.
M-the-GF sounds terrific, and what a boon to have a female peer with you.

:)
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #156 on: April 02, 2020, 11:24:38 AM »
Someone to plan garden and planting with sounds really good.

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #157 on: April 02, 2020, 05:30:59 PM »
Saw T on WhatsApp yesterday.

She walked me through a session...
find the discomfort in my body.... shoulders felt hitched up 3 levels.
Name it.
Breath into it....
check to see.... is it still there? 
Yup, but pressing into the roof of my mouth now.....
 All connected.

Shift focus to place in body that feels neutral.... hands for me.

Breathe into hands.... focus only on them..... and breathing.

How does that feel?
Pins and needles in hands.  Electrical shots hitting left index finger painfully....
check shoulders and roof of mouth again. 

Completely normal... pressure gone.

Coming back to our senses is a true thing we cultivate in our minds and bodies.

The more often we do it, the easier it gets to maintain it.

We can see the forest and the trees and we can see the filed and the pebbles.

Spaciousness... emotional distance.... detachment.... putting stories on the shelf... and seeing what is sans expectation and need to control what is. 

 






lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #158 on: April 03, 2020, 01:36:55 PM »
My really lovely T sent this along yesterday.

I think it will resonate with all of us.
Lighter


_________________________________________________________________
The daughter-in-law of Charlie and Darlene Stewart, both senior students of my teacher, mentors to me, and members of my Buddhist Sangha, recently wrote to Charlie to inquire, “What does your mindfulness practice teaching say about the current state of the country?”

This is Charlie’s response:

Here is my best shot at addressing your question.
Mindfulness is bringing awareness to an object, question, or situation for the purpose of viewing the object in reality “as it is.” Seeing something “as it is” means seeing it free from stories, memories, habit reactions, guilt, shame, or resentment from the past and free from stories, anxiety, and fear about the future. This is what is meant by being mindful in the present moment.

The mind is conditioned to reference the past and anticipate the future to know what to do, but in doing so, it distorts the view of reality as it really is and often torments itself with nightmarish projections. We practice consciously stopping the grasping at thoughts of past and future and calming the mind to be stable as possible to see as clearly as possible what is really going on. As the dust of the thinking mind clears, comprehension and understanding from a wiser source of mind surfaces and our actions fit the situation more effectively.

A mind that is settled in the present moment has a greater sense of being safe, and taking care of business.
In our present situation, we cannot see the virus. Our reactions are not about the virus. They are about what we are being told about the virus and the behavior of other people. What we are told will vary with the fear and stress level of the people who are talking to us and our conditioning from the past.

We become mindful so we can listen without fear and appropriately apply our common sense, experience, and learning to the tangible conditions of the present moment. We don’t throw out our experience and knowledge from the past but with mindfulness we examine its validity, its limits, and usefulness in this present situation. To guide us further in our actions we might ask ourselves whether the intended behavior will be beneficial to ourselves and others.

Love,
Charlie

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #159 on: April 03, 2020, 01:56:07 PM »
Resonate it does! Thanks, Lighter.

So wise and so calm.

It's like being as human as you can, without the panic.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #160 on: April 03, 2020, 02:21:03 PM »

   Hi, Hops:
I'm sitting on the computer, paying bills, and catching up on emails while every once in a while glancing outside on this glorious sunny day.  I wish I had the enjoyment you and Tupp are experiencing right now.  I just don't.

I just read the following and will now breath into the discomfort I'm experiencing and see what it has to say.

It's nice to read your posts and Tupp's posts.  Putting in your entire garden!

Lighter
   


The Wisdom of Surrender

BY MADISYN TAYLOR


We all know the feeling of being repeatedly haunted by the same issue, no matter how we try to ignore it, avoid it, or run away from it. Sometimes it seems that we can get rid of something we don't want by simply pushing it away. Most of the time, the more we push away, the more we get pushed back. There are laws of physics and metaphysics that explain this phenomenon, which is often summed up in this pithy phrase: That which you resist persists.

Resistance tends to strengthen the energies it attempts to oppose by giving them power and energy to work against. Additionally, resistance keeps us from learning more about what we resist. In order to fully understand something, we must open to it enough to receive its energy; otherwise, we remain ignorant of its lessons. There is a Tibetan story of a monk who retreats to meditate in a cave only to be plagued by demons. He tries everything--chasing, fighting, hiding--to get the demons out of his cave, but the thing that finally works is surrender. He simply lets them have their way with him and only then do they disappear.

Now, this wisdom must be applied practically. We are not meant to get ourselves physically injured. Instead, this story speaks of how, in essence, our demons are inside of us. What plagues and pursues us on an inner level has a way of manifesting itself in our environment in the form of people, events, and issues that appear to be beyond our control. But all these external expressions are reflections of our insides, and it is inside ourselves that we can safely experiment with surrendering to what we fear and dislike. It may feel scary, and we may find ourselves in the company of a lot of resistance as we begin the process of opening to what we fear. But the more we learn to surrender, and the more the demons that plague us disappear in the process, the more courageous we will become.
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Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #161 on: April 03, 2020, 03:16:49 PM »
Lighter,
I think there's something very wise about the way you're seeking spiritual stories and principles to guide you through the fear.

There's no magic incantation to fix all of this, but reminding yourself often of the fact that there is kindness, and wisdom, and eternal human creativity and oneness, really does help.

I think it helps, too, to recognize that we can control what we can control, and as much as we are practicing intelligent controls right now, the biggest thing to practice after safety measures, is peace and release.

Peace and release.

You really are doing all you can. Once you have done the next necessary task before you, see if you can move to the following moment of peace. You can embrace that peace as eagerly as you have been embracing preparations.

Inner peace has reached people on battlegrounds, in ICUs, after shock or grief, in the middle of tugging a weed out of moss.

In silence and even in inactivity, peace can come.
When vigilance and distractions are momentarily suspended, peace.

You can't grasp peace. It's ungraspable.

But you can let it in.


Sending you some,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #162 on: April 03, 2020, 03:26:43 PM »
Lighter, I think it is quite unusual to be having a good time in the midst of a global pandemic :)  For me, it is quite literally the first time in nearly twenty years that I've been able to rest repeatedly - not just the odd hour here or there or a day every now and again but day after day after day.  No stress, no hassle (a little earlier in the week but that's been put to rest now) and choices.  I never usually have choices about what I do next or how I spend my time.  Decisions are made for me by the endless momentum so it's been amazing for me to just have time to do something, or to do nothing, depending on how I feel.  I'm not usually able to act according to how I feel, I usually have to push on because I still need to do x, y and z before I collect son, or sort this out because we need it for tomorrow, and so on.  It's probably more normal not to feel great at the minute, because everything that's normal has been turned on its head.  That's bound to induce anxiety and discomfort, at the very least.

In terms of fear of the virus, in all honesty, I don't feel I have any.  Son and I have been inside for nearly three weeks now so if we'd picked it up before hand we should have been showing symptoms and of course, we don't have any.  We are only getting food delivered, nothing else, and that's only once a week.  The supermarkets here have been brilliant at getting safety procedures set up and they are following strict protocols.  I'm washing everything as it comes in and packaging is going straight in the bin outside.  Son and I are both still washing our hands after each activity and before and after meals.  So I think our chances of catching anything are very, very slim.  If we stay inside until it's all over, we should be fine.  And of course, we're lucky that we can stay inside, so I will take advantage of that and focus on the safety of not going out.  It's also so much quieter here because people are staying indoors that I can relax at home, which I can't usually do.  So I think my situation is probably the reverse of other people's, but I hope you start to feel easier about it all soon xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #163 on: April 09, 2020, 12:07:07 PM »
This day is a perfectly cool, breezy, almost warm day to work in the moss and that's just what I'm going to do.

I have the moss friend coming to see the yard AND we'll go collecting for her garden. 

I cleaned out misc stuff this morning.... trash runs soon.... making more space for living.  Lots of laundry caught up, kitchen clean and tidy, I'm ready to work on porches and outdoor shower and ready the garden for planting.

Lighter


lighter

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Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Reply #164 on: April 10, 2020, 12:19:15 AM »
The Heart's Intention
by Phillip Moffitt
SETTING INTENTIONS IS NOT THE SAME AS MAKING GOALS.
UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCE CAN LEAD TO MORE SKILLFUL
LIVING AND LESS SUFFERING.
Once a month, an hour before the Sunday-evening meditation class I teach, I offer a group
interview for students who attend regularly. These interviews give them the opportunity to
ask questions about their meditation practice or about applying the dharma to daily life. In a
recent session, a yogi who dutifully meditates every morning admitted, "I must be confused
about the Buddha's teaching on right intention. I'm very good about setting intentions and
then reminding myself of them. But things don't ever seem to turn out according to those
intentions, and I fall into disappointment.
At first, I could only smile in response. What a good question! When I asked her to explain
these intentions, she proceeded to describe a number of goals for her future - to become less
tense at work, to spend more time with her family, to stabilize her finances, and more. She
was suffering from a kind of confusion that seems to afflict many bright, hardworking people:
mixing up two different life functions that are easily mistaken for each other. All of her goals
were laudable, but none would fit within the Buddha's teachings on right intention.
GOALS VS. INTENTIONS
Goal making is a valuable skill; it involves envisioning a future outcome in the world or in
your behavior, then planning, applying discipline, and working hard to achieve it. You
organize your time and energy based on your goals; they help provide direction for your life.
Committing to and visualizing those goals may assist you in your efforts, but neither of these
activities is what I call setting intention. They both involve living in an imagined future and
are not concerned with what is happening to you in the present moment. With goals, the
future is always the focus: Are you going to reach the goal? Will you be happy when you do?
What's next?
Setting intention, at least according to Buddhist teachings, is quite different than goal
making. It is not oriented toward a future outcome. Instead, it is a path or practice that is
focused on how you are "being" in the present moment. Your attention is on the everpresent
"now" in the constantly changing flow of life. You set your intentions based on understanding
what matters most to you and make a commitment to align your worldly actions with your
inner values.
As you gain insight through meditation, wise reflection, and moral living, your ability to act
from your intentions blossoms. It is called a practice because it is an ever-renewing process.
You don't just set your intentions and then forget about them; you live them every day.
Although the student thought she was focusing on her inner experience of the present
moment, she was actually focusing on a future outcome; even though she had healthy goals
that pointed in a wholesome direction, she was not being her values. Thus, when her efforts
did not go well, she got lost in disappointment and confusion. When this happened, she had
no "ground of intention" to help her regain her mental footing - no way to establish herself in
a context that was larger and more meaningful than her goal-oriented activity.
Goals help you make your place in the world and be an effective person. But being grounded
in intention is what provides integrity and unity in your life. Through the skillful cultivation of
intention, you learn to make wise goals and then to work hard toward achieving them without
getting caught in attachment to outcome. As I suggested to the yogi, only by remembering
your intentions can you reconnect with yourself during those emotional storms that cause you
to lose touch with yourself. This remembering is a blessing, because it provides a sense of
meaning in your life that is independent of whether you achieve certain goals or not.
Ironically, by being in touch with and acting from your true intentions, you become more
effective in reaching your goals than when you act from wants and insecurities. Once the yogi
understood this, she started to work with goals and intentions as separate functions. She later
reported that continually coming back to her intentions in the course of her day was actually
helping her with her goals.
Doing the Groundwork
What would it be like if you didn't measure the success of your life just by what you get and
don't get, but gave equal or greater priority to how aligned you are with your deepest values?
Goals are rooted in maya (illusion) - the illusionary world where what you want seems fixed
and unchanging but in truth is forever changing. It is in this world that mara, the inner voice
of temptation and discouragement, flourishes. Goals never fulfill you in an ongoing way; they
either beget another goal or else collapse. They provide excitement - the ups and downs of life
- but intention is what provides you with self-respect and peace of mind.
Cultivating right intention does not mean you abandon goals. You continue to use them, but
they exist within a larger context of meaning that offers the possibility of peace beyond the
fluctuations caused by pain and pleasure, gain and loss.
The Buddha's Fourth Noble Truth teaches right intention as the second step in the eightfold
path: Cause no harm, and treat yourself and others with Loving-kindness and compassion
while seeking true happiness, that which comes from being free from grasping and clinging.
Such a statement may sound naive or idealistic - a way for nuns and monks to live but not
suitable for those of us who must make our way in this tough, competitive world. But to think
this is to make the same error as the woman in my group interview.
In choosing to live with right intention, you are not giving up your desire for achievement or a
better life, or binding yourself to being morally perfect. But you are committing to living each
moment with the intention of not causing harm with your actions and words, and not
violating others through your livelihood or sexuality. You are connecting to your own sense of
kindness and innate dignity. Standing on this ground of intention, you are then able to
participate as you choose in life's contests, until you outgrow them.
Naturally, sometimes things go well for you and other times not, but you do not live and die
by these endless fluctuations. Your happiness comes from the strength of your internal
experience of intention. You become one of those fortunate human beings who know who
they are and are independent of our culture's obsession with winning. You still feel sadness,
loss, lust, and fear, but you have a means for directly relating to all of these difficult emotions.
Therefore, you are not a victim, nor are your happiness and peace of mind dependent on how
things are right now.
Misusing Good Intentions
When I offer teachings on right intention, students often ask two things: "Isn't this like
signing up for the Ten Commandments in another form?" and "What about the old saying
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions'?" First, the Ten Commandments are excellent
moral guidelines for us all, but right intention is not moral law; it is an attitude or state of
mind, which you develop gradually. As such, the longer you work with right intention, the
subtler and more interesting it becomes as a practice.
In Buddhist psychology, intention manifests itself as "volition," which is the mental factor
that most determines your consciousness in each moment. Literally, it is your intention that
affects how you interpret what comes into your mind.
Take, for example, someone who is being rude and domineering during a meeting at work. He
is unpleasant, or at least your experience of him is unpleasant. What do you notice? Do you
see his insecurity and how desperately hungry he is for control and attention? Or do you
notice only your own needs and dislike, and take his behavior personally, even though it really
has little to do with you? If you are grounded in your intention, then your response will be to
notice his discomfort and your own suffering and feel compassion toward both of you. This
doesn't mean that you don't feel irritation or that you allow him to push you around, but you
avoid getting lost in judgment or personal reaction. Can you feel the extra emotional space
such an orientation to life provides? Do you see the greater range of options for interpreting
the difficulties in your life?
As for those good intentions that lead to hell in the old adage, they almost always involve
having an agenda for someone else. They are goals disguised as intentions, and you abandon
your inner intentions in pursuit of them. Moreover, those goals are often only your view of
how things are supposed to be, and you become caught in your own reactive mind.
Mixing Motives
One issue around cultivating intention that trips up many yogis is mixed motives. During
individual interviews with me, people will sometimes confess their anguish at discovering
during meditating how mixed their motives were in past situations involving a friend or a
family member. They feel as though they're not a good person and they aren't trustworthy.
Sometimes my response is to paraphrase the old blues refrain "If it wasn't for bad luck, I
wouldn't have no luck at all." It is the same with motives; in most situations, if you didn't go
with your mixed motives, you wouldn't have any motivation at all. You would just be stuck.
The Buddha knew all about mixed motives. In the Majjhima Nikaya sutta "The Dog-Duty
Ascetic," he describes how "dark intentions lead to dark results" and "bright intentions lead to
bright results." Then he says, "Bright and dark intentions lead to bright and dark results." Life
is like this, which is why we practice. You are not a fully enlightened being; therefore,
expecting yourself to be perfect is a form of delusion.
Forget judging yourself, and just work with the arising moment. Right intention is a continual
aspiration. Seeing your mixed motives is one step toward liberation from ignorance and from
being blinded by either desire or aversion. So welcome such a realization, even though it is
painful. The less judgment you have toward yourself about your own mixed motives, the more
clearly you can see how they cause suffering. This insight is what releases the dark motives
and allows room for bright ones.
Sowing Karmic Seeds
For some people, the most difficult aspect of right intention has to do with the role it plays in
the formation of karma. The Buddha classified karma as one of the "imponderables," meaning
we can never fully understand it; attempting to do so is not fruitful. Yet we are challenged to
work with the truth that every action has both a cause and a consequence.
The primary factor that determines karma is intention; therefore, practicing right intention is
crucial to gaining peace and happiness. In Buddhist teachings, karma refers to "the seed from
action." This means that any word or action is either wholesome or unwholesome and
automatically plants a seed of future occurrence that will blossom on its own accord when the
conditions are correct, just as a plant grows when there is the right balance of sunshine,
water, and nutrients.
Whether an action is wholesome or unwholesome is determined by the intention that
originated it. On reflection, this is common sense. The example often given is that of a knife in
the hands of a surgeon versus those of an assailant. Each might use a knife to cut you, but one
has the intention to help you heal, while the other has the intention to harm you. Yet you
could die from the actions of either. Intention is the decisive factor that differentiates the two.
In this view, you are well served by cultivating right intention.
When I'm teaching right intention, I like to refer to it as the heart's intention. Life is so
confusing and emotionally confounding that the rational mind is unable to provide an
absolutely clear intention. What we have to rely on is our intuitive knowing, or "felt wisdom."
In the Buddha's time, this was referred to asbodhichitta, "the awakened mind-heart."
It is said that a karmic seed may bloom at one of three times: immediately, later in this
lifetime, or in a future life. Conversely, what is happening to you at each moment is the result
of seeds planted in a past life, earlier in this life, or in the previous moment. Whatever your
feelings about past lives, the latter two are cause-andeffect phenomena that you recognize as
true. But here is a thought to reflect on that is seldom mentioned: Whatever is manifesting
itself in your life right now is affected by how you receive it, and how you receive it is largely
determined by your intention in this moment.
Imagine that you will have a difficult interaction later today. If you are not mindful of your
intention, you might respond to the situation with a harmful physical action - maybe because
you got caught in your fear, panic, greed, or ill will. But with awareness of your intention, you
would refrain from responding physically. Instead, you might only say something unskillful,
causing much less harm. Or if you have a habit of speaking harshly, with right intention you
might only have a negative thought but find the ability to refrain from uttering words you
would later regret. When you're grounded in your intention, you are never helpless in how
you react to any event in your life. While it is true that you often cannot control what happens
to you, with mindfulness of intention you can mitigate the effects of what occurs in terms of
both the moment itself and what kind of karmic seed you plant for the future.
Developing Resolve
Buddhist teachings suggest that there are certain characteristics called paramis, or
perfections, you must develop before you can ever achieve liberation. One of these qualities,
right resolve, has to do with developing the will to live by your intentions. Through practicing
right resolve, you learn to set your mind to maintaining your values and priorities, and to
resist the temptation to sacrifice your values for material or ego gain. You gain the ability to
consistently hold your intentions, no matter what arises.
Right intention is like muscle - you develop it over time by exercising it. When you lose it, you
just start over again. There's no need to judge yourself or quit when you fail to live by your
intentions. You are developing the habit of right intention so that it becomes an unconscious
way of living - an automatic response to all situations. Right intention is organic; it thrives
when cultivated and wilts when neglected.
Not long ago, the yogi gave me an update on her efforts to practice right intention. She said
that for several years, she had pushed and pulled in her relationship, getting irritated with her
partner for not spending more time with the family and demanding that he change. One day
in meditation, she realized that this was just another example of her getting caught in wanting
more. In truth, there was nothing intrinsically wrong with his behavior. It was just that she
wanted to spend more time together than he did. She immediately stopped making demands
and was much happier.
Soon after this first realization, she found herself in a situation at work where all of her
insecurities were ignited. She was in a meeting during which an action was being proposed
that she felt was unfair, and she sensed anger rising in her. But before speaking, she left the
room to reflect.
When she returned, she was grounded in her intentions to be nonreactive, to seek out clear
understanding, and to not be attached to the outcome. This allowed her to participate in the
meeting in a calm, effective manner, saying her truth. Surprisingly, the group came to a
conclusion that, although it was not what she thought should happen, was at least something
she could live with. "Sometimes I remember to work with my intentions," she told me, "but
then at other times, I just seem to develop amnesia and completely forget the whole idea for
weeks at a time. It's like I had never been exposed to the teaching. I mean, there is nothing in
my mind but my goals. I don't even consider my intention." I assured her that it is like this for
almost everyone. It takes a long time to make right intention a regular part of your life.
At times, the benefits of acting from your intentions can seem so clear and obvious that you
vow, "I'm going to live this way from now on." Then you get lost or overwhelmed and
conclude that it is more than you can do. Such emotional reactions, while understandable,
miss the point. If you make right intention a goal, you are grasping at spiritual materialism.
Right intention is simply about coming home to yourself. It is a practice of aligning with the
deepest part of yourself while surrendering to the reality that you often get lost in your
wanting mind.
There are only two things you are responsible for in this practice: Throughout each day, ask
yourself if you are being true to your deepest intentions. If you're not, start doing so
immediately, as best as you're able. The outcome of your inquiry and effort may seem modest
at first. But be assured, each time you start over by reconnecting to your intention, you are
taking one more step toward finding your own authenticity and freedom. In that moment, you
are remembering yourself and grounding your life in your heart's intention. You are living the
noble life of the Buddha's teachings.