Tupp:
I stored things at my Dad's, so there were painful jabs while dealing with them. Feelings if being.....well....feelings you can imagine being dragged through threatening systems by PD people doing all they can to destroy you while focusing painfully on your children to leverage and do trauma....and what was lost while defending and eventually counter attacking, which isn't in my normal character.....what it all cost my children, nieces and nephew.
THAT was tough, then came the home movies with shift in perspective. Turning away from a closed door of joy was how it felt....and I realized how attached I've been to the loss. I realized I don't want to manufacture that now very familiar dynamic in the present.....it was an emotional release....like a hand releasing something hot. A reaction....not a response, which is weird to BE reactive, suddenly, in a healthy way! Maybe for the first time, and bc of all the information taking root and space....crowding out old habits and unconscious beliefs.
Honestly, mining the depths of unconscious beliefs is a layer of work moving things forward in jerks and spasms, feels like, IME, but.... that's part of moving forward and inhabiting new space....not leaving any major layers of habit and understanding unseat with and behind, holding back, dragging behind, clawing and struggling....taking focus back, rattling and creating distraction I couldn't identify before but now tend to and try very hard to process and move into historic files with intention.
I feel I'm not at all done, but now have basic tools benefiting my style and ability to cope....to expand my window of resilience, as my T says.
Writing that out.....I feel very keenly the years of frustration and confusion when feeling centered and in the zone went away.
I have such compassion for myself and inability to just FIX it. The more I tried to think my way out, the harder it was.
I did collect useful information helping me understand and make sense of the therapy sessions, which I don't think I would have, otherwise.
I could be wrong, of course. Dropping expectation is a default now, not just a fleeting comfort during crisis and terrifying threats I couldn't control.
I think I believe all will be well, all the time now, rather than believe or struggle to believe, bc I'm stuck in my limbic system too long, not understanding why or how to get OUT if I can just remember to breathe and get very curious...things start falling into place, like dominoes. Feeling better begins dropping into place and new unconscious belief systems begin organizing , shifting, building and finally taking up residence without creating resistance and persistence of the old, if that makes sense.
Not only levels to notice and attend to, but ways to attend to help the process, rather than force and extend, with more frustration and judgment popping up, which I remember keenly suffering through.
THAT has largely been extinguished, as of now. I AM kind to myself.
I DO stop shame and guilt before it gets inside.
I don't judge...and that's key. Its6also a work in progress. So.etimes I have to remember, backtrack and SEE the situation without reactive anger.....and I do try. I think I mostly succeed now, and it's an amazing lesson if I don't. I compare and notice how each feeeeels, so different.
Again, a small release of emotionally dropping something dangerous and hot.
Maybe the real shift is understanding how detrimental old habits truly are....believing....internalizing and processing fully so all the reward evaporates and leaves a void where new defaults are primed to....slide into place. The old default patterns fully processed and moved into historic files with a resounding slam.
Maybe. Not sure. Writing that last part doesn't feel as solid or known and understood, frankly, but I suspect that's the case.
Lighter