Bugging me

[lighter]

I'm having trouble putting this into words, but I'm pretty happy on my own, without much outside contact, mostly bc people have become a double bind in my life.

I can't do anything anyway and not suffer some kind of completely unexpected response that just cold cocks me out of the blue.

Too nice? Cold cocked (Fig).  Too standoffish? Cold cocked (Fig).  I've realized there's no perfect way to interact, and since I'm noticing HOW I get on with others, and since I'm stepping away from the people-pleasing.... it's a THING, IME.

I have had very good friends, but very few.  Many have passed away, and that leaves even fewer people I know very well, who GET ME, have known me from early years, and understand who I am, and what I'm about.

And I realize I've let mentally unstable people, jealous people, evil people color the way I see PEOPLE, which is annoying.

I'll spend a bit of time thinking through the WHY of unstable/mean/evil people seeming to be drawn to me, and what my part in that is. 

It's real.   It's why I've been very content to NOT invite people in. I just don't have the energy or stamina for more PD foolishnesh.  I don't.

And I don't have to put up with it, or let it in.

I'll think on that for a bit, and maybe work on it with T tomorrow.

I guess that might be a good jumping off point for including the people pleasing stuff too. 

I have zero tolerance for small people making stupid assumptions that touch my life.  Just.... done with them.

Oh, and I know women are screwed 10 different ways in court by assumptions around "relationship" or what exactly their relationship IS with someone they're seeking protection from.  What does it really matter?  If someone is threatening you, or harming you.... you should be able to at least get it in writing that it's NOT OK, and there will be consequences if that Order is broken.  It won't really protect you, but darnit.... sometimes you can't get the court to agree you have a right to be safe from harm, and harrassment. WTH?

Maybe things swing too far in every direction.... it used to be easy to have someone removed from the home, and jailed, is what I was told.  The pendulum swung too far the other way, and how in the world can Judges tell who's lying in court?

Humans are complicated, and treacherous, and heroic, and amazing.... in every direction, aren't they?

When we're brave enough, and have stamina enough... we venture out again, I guess.


Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, if it helps at all you've just described me exactly, and a friend and I were talking on the phone last night about how exhausting it is to be around people and filter out what's useful, what isn't, what's about them, what's about you and so on.  It's easier to stay home alone.  So you are not alone in feeling that way, for what it's worth

I kind of have my own theory that some people immediately make other people feel comfortable.  Unintentionally, and I have no idea why it is, but for some reason some people do tend to just draw other people in.  The amount of shit that I've had dumped on my shoulders over the years is huge, and I would sit there listening to it all and thinking, do they not know my situation?  Do they not see that I am dealing with ten times more than this right now, and I don't have someone like me to sit and pour out my feelings to (or more specifically, I did have someone like that, but she was a therapist and I had to pay her to listen).  I think when you, at your heart, are a caring, giving, compassionate and capable person, who deals with practical and emotional issues well and thinks deeply about their actions, that you really need family to teach you your boundaries when you're young so that you take those in to your adult life.  And when you aren't taught that (and I think it's still now thought to be a 'woman' thing that you care and nurture others) it kind of leaves you open, not just to abuse, but to people who are just a bit thoughtless and don't consider what you need as they talk about themselves endlessly.

So I get where you're coming from and I agree completely with certain people colouring your view of everyone.  I find it so hard to trust, and easier now to keep my guard up and not let anyone in.  How do you establish what people are like, particularly when some are charming and intelligent and do and say the right things early on?  And the little things that crop are can be explained away or dismissed as coincidence or misunderstanding.  And then if you have become friends or co-workers or got into a relationship it can then be difficult to extricate yourself again - especially if you'd like to keep some contact going (or have to, because it's work).  Kind of like being an alcoholic and working in a pub, I think.

I think maybe when you've been through repeated and sustained trauma it is necessary to accept that you just don't have the emotional bounce to go through it again, however less the next experience might be.  Kind of like if you break your leg and it's a bit weaker afterwards - you might have to accept that your pro football career is behind you, even though everything seems fine on the surface.

I think it's alright to hibernate a while.  Rest, garden, re-group, play with pooch, see films with the girls.  You don't have to have dozens of friends, or be out in company every night, or enjoy everyone you meet.  It's okay to have a few good friends and to spend time alone and just enjoy your book.  And yep, I get the court thing - I have no faith in the system at all.  It's perfectly acceptable to see and understand it as it is - unfair and unjust, and the very opposite of what it should be.  But it's a shock to the system because you realise that layer of protection isn't there and it's scary.  So it's okay to hide under the blankets for a while.  We are all hiding in there with you xx

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter, my issue with this (yours might be different) is that I don't have a strong sense of trusting myself to protect my own boundaries and enforce them...

because I'm always putting other people - their wants & needs - ahead of mine...

so, for instance, I'll stay up later than I really want to because the people around me are rockin & rollin' the night away.

Empaths tend to do this (at least that's Holly's theory). So "people are exhausting" gets engraved on my brain.

I'm beginning to see, that protecting my own wants & needs - is a form of self-care - and if it manifests in a boundary about my participation with other people and activities around, I NEED to do this. No one's going to look out for me that much, to even notice how I might be feeling. How could they KNOW what I feel anyway?

Unless I state my druthers... make the choice... protect & enforce my self-care boundaries.

[lighter]

Tupp and Amber:

I do think of codependence as addictive behavior.  Compulsive.  Self-soothing.  Esteem boosting, for just a bit..... behaviors.

I KNOW seeking happiness, and esteem from anywhere outside myself is in vain, but my body hasn't been convinced yet.  My biology doesn't KNOW that.. not yet. 

When I'm not under stress, I might do a great good job of defending boundaries,  but when the heat's on.....  not so much.

I've watched myself fail to defend my boundaries.  It felt like watching someone else fail, but I knew it was just me, aware, and failing.   There's something terrible about not honoring oneself... of dropping that important ball. 
In slow motion.
And just..... letting it happen. 
Default settings, and all that, I guess. 

I'm not beating myself up about it though.  I'm just noticing and paying attention.  Seeing what's behind it..... discerning it's origin, so I can name it, bring up the emotions and sensations around it, process and banish it in historic files, where it belongs. 

One after another, until they're done, or almost done. So I can get on with living in the present.  I really want to live in the present.

Codependence is an addiction, but it's a "nice" addiction, isn't it?  Nicer than most.

And becoming aware... observing what goes on internally..... is part of learning to trust ourselves.  The adult we need, always needed, but didn't have.... steps up, and we have to be that adult.  We parent ourselves.  We trust that adult is in the room, protecting us and boundaries always, until that's our reality.

Amber.... things getting engraved on our brains.  What we say and think become real.  The good news is we can alter that, and all our memories... apparently.  Memories aren't THERE, in our brains.  They're in a computer, brought up and changed every time we open that file.  We can change them, and I've done it.  I wanted to do it yesterday too, but ran out of time in the T session.  Next week we'll do it again.  Such a relief.  To take a painful sad memory of a little child, and relive it, over and over, then live it while adding different outcomes, better outcomes, the best possible outcome... changing it in the way we NEED it to be, and making it so in our brains.... and the brain processes, files and rests.  Like magic, but it's not magic.

Self care and compassion is manifesting what we've been doing for others.... but have always needed for ourselves. We give what we need, and isn't it a kick in the head when other people don't need what we're giving?

Time to turn it around and give back to ourselves... ruthlessly maybe...  but TO ourselves, gritting teeth through the discomfort, if there is any.

Sitting with the discomfort, as Hops would say.  Letting it pass without compulsive action.

And it feels odd to not know exactly what I want.  Not be able to fix it in my mind, and say it out loud without struggle, and a bit of panic. 

::sigh::. 

Someday soon it will be fixed in my mind, with a target on it's head.

::nodding::.

I look forward to that day.

For all of us. 

((Tupp)):  I don't want to feel this way.   It's the PD crazies winning, and sometimes the crazies don't know they're winning...  it's just me giving myself away.  I'm going to remember who I am, and who I was born to be. 

Just.... remember.  I don't have to create it, or undo it, or rework it....
just remember.  It's all there, and always was.  Same for you, and all of us.

They can't take things from us if we don't allow it. 
Not anymore.

Lighter