Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
My Stepdaughter the Narcissist
bean2:
Hi,
I posted here the last time almost 10 years ago. I am back, because, while I solved the problems related to my narcissistic parents (BPD mom), for the most part, I just found out that my stepdaughter is most likely an N.
My husband and I have been together almost 6 years, and I never even saw it coming. Recently, due to an episode with his youngest daughter, we reached out to a marriage counselor, and he said "sounds like your daughter is an N." Wow!
My husband really has no idea what this means, but I do.
I am so confused, hurt, angry, all the old feelings are rushing back. I don't know how to handle this.
Basically, what happened is that I texted my two stepdaughters who are both adult children of my husband and got the strangest response. The younger one convinced the older stepdaughter that my behavior was out of line. She called my husband and screamed at him for about a half hour that "it was not RIGHT" what I was doing (basically, just trying to be their Mom, and giving advice, about COVID-19). She gave my husband an ultimatum, that if he did not divorce me immediately, he would Never see the grandkids again (both girsl have 2 kids each).
My husband and I are really at a loss of what to do next.
Bean
p.s. I have really missed this board, but honestly, was glad to not "need" ya'll anymore
Really glad to see the board is still active and hope someone remembers me
Hopalong:
Hi Bean,
I remember your name, but unfortunately, not the original story when you posted back then.
I'm sorry to hear of the upset in your family; wish it could be written off to the pandemic. It sounds like personality conflicts that have been brewing for a while. Do you have a therapist you can talk to, even if by video, about all this?
The daughters' response sounds so over the top, it's mystifying. I keep thinking of Carolyn Hax in the Washington Post. She just had a thing about "shoulds" today that I thought was really well done. It had to do with unsolicited advice.
I hope you'll find support and inner peace. I can't imagine how distressing this must be.
Warmly
Hops
Twoapenny:
Nice to see you, Bean :) Sorry to hear that things are difficult. I do think that the current pressurised environment is causing all sorts of problems to erupt, particularly with families. Hopefully everyone will calm down a bit if given a bit of time and space. Is it possible for everyone to just keep to themselves for a little while and let the air clear a bit? xx
bean2:
I would like to chalk it all up to "this is the pandemic making us all angry and anxious," but how do we reconcile that it is devaluing and abusive to give your Dad an ultimatum such as this? My husband's younger daughter asked him to choose between his adult daughters and his wife.
This is also, unfortuanately, not the first time she has done this. Right after we started dating (5 years ago) my husband got the same ultimatum from her, and she at that time also convinced her sister. Not long after the sister caved and called us, but it took the younger one about 6 months to come around and it's because her husband and mother in law convinced her to get along with me.
BTW, I should mention the ultimatum was given 6 weeks ago. We have not heard from either daughter since, until this week, as my husband's birthday was this week. They both texted him on his birthday "happy bithday" but that was it.
We are waiting for the younger one to call (similar to before) and state "OK Dad, time is up, what's your choice going to be?" She really is an angry person. Judgemental, always thinks she's right, doesn't ever want to seek help for her issues. Her biological mother is an alcoholic and she doesn't have a relationship with her. They really fought a lot when she was growing up, have never gotten along.
I want to add that the way this ended before is the N daughter called her Dad crying on day. She had a story about how a guy came into the store she was working at (she sells makeup) and "started choking her." She said it was really scary and she almost died, and that's when she decided to call her Dad (after again not talking to him for months as she wasn't getting her way, he wasn't breaking up with me). I was like "Are you kidding me?" to my husband, I said this story makes no sense! She didn't call the police? I said Babe, she made it up for attention. I said, there is no way a store manager would not have made her call the police! I said, what a manipulative way to get you to talk to her!
Anyway, waiting for what she comes up with this time.
For the most part, we are extremely close to our older daughter who is divorced with two boys. We see them a lot, especially in the last year, as she brings them to our house and they love us. The younger one is married with a baby and a toddler and we rarely see her. She is religious and gives us the impression we're "not quite good enough" as parents. There have been episodes (my husband is just now telling me this) where she has called my husband and screamed at him because he was not a good father to her when she was younger. She lays guilt trips on him and I said, really, you are her punching bag babe. Boundaries!! Don't let her call you and scream at you. I imagine she does it to her Mom too.
I think she's an oppourtunist and saw my advice giving as a window to abuse her Dad. Normally, I am not an advice giver to these kids, they're adults and are raising kids of their own. I literally walk on egghshells around the younger one, so as not to piss her off. The older one, we are actually getting much closer. We have helped her emotionally and financially in the past. I think the younger one is jeaolous of the relationship I have formed with her sister.
bean
bean2:
Twoapenny,
You are spot on about keeping space. Space, when dealing with a narcissist, can mean the difference between life and death.
It is OK, actually essential, to say to an N "OK, I hear you and I'm sorry I hurt you, but this is not my stuff to carry, so I'll take back my space now. Thank you."
Right now I feel like the extra space is filling my brain with Anxiety, and I feel the need for more control than I normally want, and now I'm worried about taking care of an adult child.
I should have probably clarified, my oldest stepdaughter relies on us financially to the point my husband is a co-signer on her apartment, since she divorced her husband, she doesn't make enough money to qualify for a place by herself. And she makes no attempt to find friends she could live with, and split expenses with. Her plan has always been and likely always will be "Dad." (I knew this when I married my husband, it is not a big deal). It doesn't bother me, however, when she pretty boldly told her Dad and I "I'm not worried about getting Coronavirus....if I get it I will survive" all the parental insticts of both me and her Dad kicked in. I mean into high gear. Her ex-husband, who she shares her kids with is diabetic and likely won't survive the virus if he gets it.
Second thing significant and of note: This kid is recently out of drug and alcohol rehab, she only barely missed going to prison just two years ago. She almost lost custody of her kids. Don't get me wrong, she's a wonderful person who made a mistake - all of us do - but there's a back story to the "advice." It's funny, we goto church and the pastor says "raise your hand if you have kids." My husband and I don't raise our hands. Then the pastor says "raise your hands if you're done raising your kids because they're out of your house." We raise our hands. OK, the pastor says, you are still a parent. Parentlng is for life. This is so true. Harder if you're a stepparent.
So the advice...It seems mean but maybe it's kind considering we are her backup plan. I read an article that 40% of millenials go to Mom and Dad for financial help at times. That is a lot of adult "kids" relying on their parents!
Also, I was not unkind. I simply said her and her sister should call their Dad, since he's terrified of getting coronavirus cause he has asthma. She is Miss Attitude, like "I will not try to Not get it and I don't care if I give it to my kids - I read an article that women and kids survive it." My thought: this is the irresponsible and disrepectful attitude that got her into trouble before (with the drugs).
In some ways, I feel like she is anti-social and just goes against the norm to be unique. Does this make sense?
See where "advice" leads. Now I need advice from those here. lol
ugh
bean
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