I haven't been on the board for a while. Therapy has been going ok. Making some improvement. But also have been feeling I'm cracking a little (understatement). A few weeks of feeling strangley good/hopeful, comfortable in myself somewhat, from therapy, and such, (even though I'm miles behind), like never before. Then, oh god. Just fear/pain. Sudden jolts in my mind. Horror. Like the chemical associated with anxiety fear has just been let out, and is drowning my brain. Being faced, and wanting to run away from myself. Horror of my life till now I guess, and all the running away from me, and how bewildering my past has been, especially the last 4 years of running away, and just existing. It seems crazy, like its been a dream. Shock. Lonelliness. I dunno. Feelings of horror. Also realisation like really) of my situtaion and the last 4 years (I'm still at home). The veil has dropped.
Anyway, I had a confrontation with my mother the other day. I never realised how damaged she must be. Its weird. She will not acknowledge anything. She has said sorry to me ONCE (once because I remember it, I must have been surprised) in her whole life. The usual denials, forgetting past things that were said as ever, during our 'talk'. Frustrating of course. I kind of feel pity for her. It seems her 'esteem' *cough* hangs on a thread. I am not kidding. Its taken me so long to see this. She even called herself a 'bastard' at one point, at suggestion I was angry at her about not helping me when I said I needed help (after denying i had, until I reminded her I had). One minute she is saying I never asked for help, the next (when faced with the fact I 'did' ask for help) telling me 'you were an adult then!' (I was 18, but suffering a really awkward social anxiety, especially with doctors/authority figures). This, was her backtracking, after me telling her 2 minutes earlier to 'accept responsibility for things', and just f**king acknowledge somethings. She took me to the doctor once but only because I attempted suicide. I was 24, but at 18, I (you were!) was an adult! See what I mean? Its like a chess game! One small ackowledgment of doing 'wrong' or of making mistakes is enough to send her hurtling towards...well, god knows what, because she cannot accept anything negative about what she has done or said. I guess she feels really bad. Like an awful person. And all these mechanisms keep her in that place. So, I'm not sure If I have been dealing with a narcisist exactly, just someone who has the most unbelievable low self worth, and that any little thing is a threat to. Damaged, yes. She also told me my dad used to beat her up. Its taken 30 years for her to disclose this. I don't know why but I'm not really even sure if I believe it. 'I thought all men were like that, until I met ******'. Duh! I also wonder how a nearly fifty year old woman can say she doesn't know what the word 'manipulative' means *sigh*.
Hope everyone is doing ok
