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great Carolyn Hax moments

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Hopalong:
Q: Anxiety Resources
Could you and/or the chatters share some anxiety resources? I've reached out to multiple therapists but they all have waiting lists right now and making it through the next week is going to be a challenge.

A: Carolyn Hax
I'm signing off soon so I'll encourage chatters to address this in the comments, when they're open (usually 5 to 15 minutes after I finish). Or on FB, which might have a couple of commenters already.

Here are my suggestions, all under the umbrella of Really Small Steps:

-Take care of your body. Eat moderately, exercise regularly, get your rest.

-Take care of your soul. Streamline as much as you can to keep positive people and experiences close to you and draining people and experiences away, at least for the time being.

-Occupy your mind. Idle thoughts are the raw material of anxiety. If you have reliable ways to stay occupied--hobbies, work, chores, friends, causes, music/books/TV, meditation, faith--then now's the time to line them up in your schedule from end to end.

-Believe in perspective, even if you can't quite have it right now: Bad times pass, bad feelings pass, change is constant. You don't need to Solve Everything--you just need to get through the worst feelings to the place of the not-as-bad feelings, where you will have many more resources available to be proactive.

— OCT 30, 2020 2:20 EDT

Hopalong:
[Dunno that this applies to anyone here; just really love the succinct wisdom.]

Dear Carolyn: Every so often, my mom calls me to complain about something my stepdad has done, and I don't know how to handle it. She married him about five years ago, once my youngest sibling was out of the house, and all of us kids objected silently because he is such an obvious jerk and treats her like a servant. I also expressed concerns at the time but did not press it much, she's an adult.

But now I don't know how I'm supposed to handle her complaining about a jerk acting like a jerk.

— Anonymous

Anonymous: You handle it the way you chose to from the start, by recognizing she is an adult who can manage her own life.

Fortunately, you can do this in a more active, supportive — and pointed — way than just listening while she complains.

It’s also easy to adopt, since it consists entirely of responding to her complaints with sympathy plus a question:

“Hmm, that doesn’t sound good — how do you feel about it?”

“He said that, really? What are you going to do?”

“Huh, I can see why you’re upset. Any idea how you’ll deal with this if it happens again?”

If things escalate: “Oh, no. Are you okay with this?”

And, with care, since the tone needs to be loving, not shaming: “Why do you put up with this?”

It is hard to watch someone make choices you wouldn’t make in their position, when they clearly aren’t happy with the results themselves. It’s hard to resist the impulse to grab the reins. A carefully posed, leading question is one way to help someone that leaves the reins in the right person’s hands. Think of it as turning on a light above the passageway out.

Bettyanne:
Hi Hops.....
Can I give you a great big hug.............(((((((((((((((((((((Hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Wish I could do it in person........
My mother would ask everyone and anyone to do things.......for her and she got away with it??
Well she was good......the old lady who lived and worked full time until age 100.
I moved to the west coast from New Jersey because all she was doing was demanding rides to and from a shrine......where she thought she was the cats meow.......
Well the nuns and priest were taking the money she got selling used jewelry and etc etc each week end for over 42 years......she had little to do with me or my kids......
But my husband and I were good for something like driving her for over 35 years there
My therapist said the other day you need a voice........well I didn't have a voice because I was so controlled by the my asshole mother.......
Now that she died at age 100 and that was 8 years ago and now my own sweet husband is dead
at age 78......nothing I realize I can do about that
But I know I'm late having a voice but I will say to her now.......leave me alone....I never ever want to see you again......but I am sure looking forward to seeing my husband Bill again.....it took me a long time to learn a lesson......but I got it now.......
Like you I need some good and kind friends too......
I hope things will improve for you.......
Love, Bettyanne

Hopalong:
I'll take that hug, Bettyanne!
I think it's NEVER too late to find your voice and begin speaking your truth.
And here you are doing just that. Bravo.

I think one reason I enjoy good advice columns is that they're like having a wise mother's guidance. One who really sees you as an individual and genuinely wants the best for you.

We take it where we can find it, and that's okay. Never too late.

Hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
This wasn't Hax herself, but a commenter. It struck me as SO pithy and perfect. (Suited my nature, anyway.) Can't shake it, wonder how many layers this thought might unearth, especially in women's lives....

Traditions are peer pressure from dead people.


Enjoy, ? , ymmv--
Hops

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