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Rescuing vs. Helping vs. Enabling

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Hopalong:
This is inspired by Tupp's recent comment about how triggering it is to be around someone who's emitting a vibe of "total helplessness." I can lunge into rescue behavior. For me, it's to soothe a bolt of anxiety that comes up in me in response.

I don't know what exactly happens, but the response I have (if I'm not being aware and breathing through it) is a frantic desire to open their eyes, get them thinking, etc. I don't even care whether someone turns out to be capable or successful at something, I just feel desperate for them to at least try. (*Preaching to self....). I think I get especially anxious when people say things like, there's nothing I can do about it.

My closest example with a close friend has little to do with practical stuff, although I notice her obliviousness there too. She is in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship. When his mood is wrong he'll say really cutting, belittling things to her--like, when she's trying to urgently explain something she cares about that he disagrees with, he's say she's "crazy" or she's "yapping." He's so contemptuous.

She can be unpleasantly defensive herself at times, but she's usually still trying to explain her thoughts or actions in a logical way. I don't have an inside view, but don't believe she ever belittles him. But he goes right there, using stereotypical, misogynistic remarks (like "yapping", which Trump did about a woman speaking just the other day).

She comes over about once a week, a huge comfort during quarantine, and I serve her wine and snacks outside and set everything up. Now and then I wish it would occur to her to bring something, but she never does. I finally got around to telling her on occasion, this time please bring XXX, and she'll do it. I think she's gotten into a deep pattern of expecting passively to be taken of by others, and so be it.

I am frequently hiring men/teen boys for outside jobs I can't do myself. I don't blame her for needing physical help (her home has significant yard to deal with, etc). It's just the demeanor...oh I am helpless, someone has to do this -- for small things. The big thing is that she has convinced herself she absolutely cannot be alone, or live alone. Even temporarily to transition out of a miserable relationship. She told me she HAS to live with someone she loves (and who loves her) so a simple housemate arrangement wouldn't work. It's a man, or her daughter. (I wouldn't want to be her housemate for various reasons though at one point, I thought it could be a nice way to get old.) She constantly talks herself into remaining in a truly toxic relationship that is very painful half the time. She talks to me about her rationales for loving him, etc. And I internally freak out. (I MUST be projecting. I am ferocious about women not accepting abusive behavior or talk.)

I've gotten more aware of it and have decided to listen to her distress when she needs to vent, and try some stock responses once she lets it out: That must be so stressful for you. I'm sorry this still happens. Addressing her feelings instead of mentioning solutions. As the cycle repeats, maybe spend a little less emotional energy on being present to the very same thing as it recurs. Not sure how to balance all that, so maybe a thread on helping vs rescuing will open some doors.

There's only one solution to the pain she's often in, really: Leave him. But she won't and completely panics at the idea. If he died or she gave up on the relationship, she would immediately move halfway across the country to live with her daughter, and perhaps that's best. I'll miss her a lot when that happens, but I'm just going to try to enjoy her now.

I do know that it's best not to give specific advice unless someone asks for it. So for me the wisest (and really, simplest) answer is to be empathic when she talks, and just that. ("You are so disappointed, you seem so sad, that's a lot of heaviness, etc.") Only that. Nothing more. Not saying, "You could or you can or have you tried or XXXXXXXX...."). If I keep my assignment just that simple I'll do better with her.

(If anybody asks me to stop giving advice on this board, I'm screwed! But I do hope I'll learn when I'm actually helping, vs being frantic to fix....)

Anyway, thought it might be good to have a thread on helping vs rescuing, and how we deal with moments/relationships like that from time to time.

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Good thread, Hopsie, and not one with easy answers!  It is a difficult one and yes, that complete helplessness - it kind of baffles me that people can get through fifty plus years of life and still not be able to do or know anything about stuff that is really pretty commonplace day to day.  I'm not sure if I react to it because it makes me anxious or not - it happens so fast it's hard to strip it down and identify it.  I think with my friend it's more to do with her boyfriend being so useless and leaving her to deal with stuff that she's got no clue about (she couldn't even have gone to a hardware shop to buy the things she needed for the job because she didn't even know what you call the bits she needed to sort out - it took me ten minutes to figure out what she was saying so I don't know if a bloke in a shop would have ever got there).  I did feel angry that they're going to let an elderly woman lug something heavy across town rather than sorting it out themselves (or more specifically, he's going to let an elderly woman do that).  So I wonder if it's anger with me more than anxiety?  Maybe it's both.  I'm not sure, I'm going to try to be more aware of it next time to see if I can catch it.

But helping versus rescuing - mmm.  I think part of it with me is that I don't have the patience or the inclination to listen to someone talk about the same problem endlessly if they're not willing to do something about it (or at least think about doing something about it).  I don't like the idea of being a free counselling service.  I don't mind a few times but if it becomes an endless cycle (I'm thinking of a friend who complained about the same things with regard to her ex husband endlessly but wouldn't change anything about the way she did things to stop just running round in circles after him.  Eventually I told her I couldn't listen to it any more so she switched instead to endlessly complaining about her new boyfriend.  When I pointed out that I never heard her say anything positive about him she started talking instead about her friend's abusive husband.  So I think for some people there is a compulsion to have some sort of drama or crisis going on and I don't want to be part of that).  So I guess with me it depends on the situation and whether I know the person just wants to vent and let off steam or if they're struggling to cope and could maybe do with a poke in the right direction (I know there have been times in the past when I've been so stressed it affected my ability to think clearly.  A solution would come to me months after I needed one and I'd wonder why no-one else had suggested it.  So I'll suggest something if I think it might help).  But I think I run out of steam with people pretty quickly these days.

The other thing with me is where the line is between helping and enabling.  I eventually stopped supporting a friend who always went out with men who beat her up.  I spent years patching her up, finding her women's refuges, looking after her kids, helping her find new houses to move to and nothing ever changed, she just carried on going back each time and then would replace that one with another one that did the same.  Eventually I stopped helping her and the friendship didn't survive, she found someone else to do it.  So I guess sometimes you just become the third point of the triangle and whatever you do won't make a difference, you're just there at that time and if you don't do it, someone else will.

I don't think that helps much!  It's fuzzy in my head where the lines are drawn and I know I often struggle with it and don't get it right.

And no, Hopsie, don't stop giving advice on the board!  I like your advice, it helps!  lol x

Hopalong:
Actually, that helped a lot to read, Tupp.
You inspired me to add "enabling."
It's a good cluster of responses to others to ponder about, I think.

Getting simpler (always good):

Rescuing: in emergency, always good if one can (bad outcomes may still happen)
Enabling: facilitating repetitive unhealthy cycles, not good once recognized
Helping: a normal and natural human connection, good when one can

I think part of the inner challenge to rescuing is releasing the outcome either of a failed rescue attempt or, for personal reasons, an inability/refusal to be the rescuer. (As you pointed out, you rescued an abused friend until you could no longer, and she moved on to others. You actually did save her, but her job going forward was beyond your ability...learning through painful repetition to save herself. Which she may or may not do; got to release it. Good on you for letting yourself stop trying.)

As to enabling, I'm realizing with this particular friend that never saying to her anything that challenges her helplessness isn't totally sane, either. So maybe now and then I'll add something like: This hurt seems to happen so often, what's your sense of how likely he is to change? (The good news is she finally got back into therapy, so there's less pressure to be her sole sounding board.)

Helping. I like helping. In fact just today I gave her an idea for a location to think about in the event that they do decide to move to a place requiring less upkeep. And she was excited about it and said, good idea!

Hugs and thanks,
Hops

bean2:
With my non-N stepdaughter (the co-dependent one), I think I am enabling.  Now that she has completely cut us off, I miss her.  But, at least we don't have to worry about a phone call from jail at 1 am!

I think I, like Tupps, can only take so much negativity.  Then, I try to influence people I care about.  If they "hate" me for it, oh well - at least I got to the point quicker.  Which is some people really are going to have a problem with everyone and anyone and at some point, well I knew it would be me.

More pissed off at myself that it took me almost 6 years to stand up to my husband's kids.  I really want to be less of a people pleaser and more in touch with myself.

hops, advice?  :)

Hopalong:
Hi Bean,
I try to influence people I care about.  If they "hate" me for it, oh well....

For me, it's very very hard sometimes to give up the TRYING to influence.

I think the advice (which I need to take also) is to Stop Trying with the person. Instead, focus on Just BEING with that person. Empathetically if possible.

IOW, read up on "empathic listening." It's the opposite of trying to urge or force or impel or inspire change. It's just reflecting back the feelings you hear underneath whatever the surface message or topic is.

It's a tall order in some situations, especially family ones. But it does liberate you from the compulsion to try to change someone else.

hugs
Hops

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