Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Rescuing vs. Helping vs. Enabling
sKePTiKal:
For me, a rescue involves an immediate solution to a dangerous (even if financial) situation. It's a fast, decisive one-time (hopefully) action... that leads to possibly...
helping by discussion & analysis of what happened, how it happened, what mistakes might've been made... and what lessons to take from those mistakes to avoid it in the future. What the person wanted and thought they might be obtaining. What went wrong there. (I am thinking family situations here and very very close friends; which as y'all know I only have a few.) I will always ask if the person wants some help like this, FIRST. I don't just offer it. I want them to actively participate in the discussion; to assume some responsibility for their choices made; to have an opportunity for their own self-reflective insights. NO LECTURING is my rule, for ME. No giving away the answers to the test. LOL.
Enabling is when I find myself repeating the above over & over & over again... because of whatever reason a person chooses to fall down the same tiger trap or repeat a self-destructive pattern. And because I've convinced myself that enabling is necessary BECAUSE of my emotional connection to that person. Enabling feels BAD to me these days. If feels like I'm not respecting myself, and is - in it's own way - a self-destructive pattern. And it doesn't empower anyone - not even me. I end up feeling used & betrayed too... altho often the person being enabled, feels temporarily happy to have been rescued again and free to go right back to repeating what I rescued them from in the first place.
These days, I have a serious, blunt & honest, as fast as I can, debate with myself over whether or not I will even choose to perform a rescue. So that I see just what exactly it is that I'm risking emotionally. And if I find I can assume responsibility for the worst possible outcome - then, perhaps I'll go ahead with the rescue. Perhaps NOT, still; because of all the other factors involved.
Hopalong:
Bravo, Amber.
Sounds to me as though you're really seeing all this.
Clarity.
Oh yay.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
LOL... getting thrown into the deep end of the pool enough times, clarifies a LOT of things.
Disclaimer: doing things the hard way before seeing other options is what's always worked for me. I would strongly advise people don't try this at home. There has to be a safer, saner, better way.
Hopalong:
"If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together."
-Aboriginal Activists Group
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on August 25, 2020, 03:35:23 PM ---For me, a rescue involves an immediate solution to a dangerous (even if financial) situation. It's a fast, decisive one-time (hopefully) action... that leads to possibly...
helping by discussion & analysis of what happened, how it happened, what mistakes might've been made... and what lessons to take from those mistakes to avoid it in the future. What the person wanted and thought they might be obtaining. What went wrong there. (I am thinking family situations here and very very close friends; which as y'all know I only have a few.) I will always ask if the person wants some help like this, FIRST. I don't just offer it. I want them to actively participate in the discussion; to assume some responsibility for their choices made; to have an opportunity for their own self-reflective insights. NO LECTURING is my rule, for ME. No giving away the answers to the test. LOL.
Enabling is when I find myself repeating the above over & over & over again... because of whatever reason a person chooses to fall down the same tiger trap or repeat a self-destructive pattern. And because I've convinced myself that enabling is necessary BECAUSE of my emotional connection to that person. Enabling feels BAD to me these days. If feels like I'm not respecting myself, and is - in it's own way - a self-destructive pattern. And it doesn't empower anyone - not even me. I end up feeling used & betrayed too... altho often the person being enabled, feels temporarily happy to have been rescued again and free to go right back to repeating what I rescued them from in the first place.
These days, I have a serious, blunt & honest, as fast as I can, debate with myself over whether or not I will even choose to perform a rescue. So that I see just what exactly it is that I'm risking emotionally. And if I find I can assume responsibility for the worst possible outcome - then, perhaps I'll go ahead with the rescue. Perhaps NOT, still; because of all the other factors involved.
--- End quote ---
Nodding all the way through, Skep. I think direct talking is a skill I'm still learning and I find some people don't like the direct approach. But it avoids so much confusion, pain, wasted time and mixed messages. "Would you like some help?" "Is there anything you want me to do?" "Would you like to know what I think or do you just need to talk it through?" I've had to learn to ask rather than assuming, and also had to learn to answer those questions (and of course, there's a big difference between "Is there anything you'd like me to do?" and "What do you expect me to do about that?" Tone is important lol). I learnt a lot the other day listening to my friend rather than jumping in each time she spoke. She's actually handling the situation really well. She's going about things in a roundabout sort of way and being much more tolerant with the other person than I would be (any man calling me what he called her would be shown the door with my boot up his backside) but, my way is my way, it's not necessarily the best or the right way and I need to learn that and cement it in my mind more clearly.
I think part of the problem I have is that I spent so much of my life fire fighting and having to deal with difficult, tough, unexpected situations so often and so frequently that I don't think I really learnt that there are other ways to do things and, perhaps even more importantly, something that's a complete disaster for me isn't necessarily going to be a disaster for someone else. I've come to realise I don't need to leap in to deal with something on someone else's behalf, even if they seem to be struggling. A clear example was offering to help a man who was struggling (or looked to me like he was struggling) to get his wife from her wheelchair and then her chair into the back of the car. I asked them if they'd like any help and he, very sweetly, said it was nice of me to offer but it was such a faff to explain how to do everything to someone else that it was easier for him to get on with it, even though it was obviously hard for him to do. I really understood what he meant; I often find other people getting involved just creates more work for me. So that's something else I'm having to get my head around - I don't always know best (eek! even writing that brings me out into a cold sweat! How can I not be perfect in every way? This is so not me lol) and even if I do, other people have a right to make their own mistakes, in just the same way I've made mine.
Bean, I'm like you in just not having the energy to keep going over the same thing endlessly. I don't think I try to influence people as such but I do tend to say my bit but I was thinking to myself today, I think time is the most precious thing you can share with someone? You guys sharing your time with me on here means so much to me, as does Dr G giving up his time to keep the place running, friends who do call and check in with us, people who've fetched things for us during the lockdown - that gift of time is so precious. And I kind of feel now that, if I'm giving up my time for someone else, I want it to be with someone who appreciates it and genuinely needs it. I don't mean that I expect to be worshipped or rewarded for it, but when I get onto version 367 of the same boyfriend saga with the same friend, I find that I start to think that I could just be giving that time to myself - reading a book, watching a film, cleaning my kitchen up. It could be better spent than listening to someone who, for whatever reason, is locked in that cycle of repeating the same problem but doing nothing about it. I think that's something that's changed for me, just not being willing to endlessly sit and listen to the same thing. It would be different about something like a bereavement or some trauma from the past that someone's still not able to cope with easily but just the day to day stuff grinds me down too much now. I think I'm probably more suited to practical help these days? I'll come and help you pack your stuff up and organise your house move for you but I don't think I'm that well suited to an endless supply of sympathy anymore. Maybe I've turned into a badass? Lol xx
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version