Bee as been at the job every day this week. He washed the CRV yesterday... did a fine job.
I handed him 3 big bags of frozen organic chicken fingers, I thought the darned things were GF, along with the very fair money he asked for and my heart broke. It keeps breaking for him. Just being around him breaks my heart, bc I can tell he's eager to BE normal, wants so badly to be busy and industrious.
THIS is somthign I need to work on. I see that very clearly.
Here's another thing coming up for me.... and I believe it has something to do with why men are drawn to me......
when I was getting my teeth cleaned this last time, the gal cleaning my teeth always takes very good care of me. She's soothing and mindful and I don't dread getting my teeth cleaned since I began seeing her. I wait for an appointment with her if she's busy. That's the way that is for me, NOW.
It occurred to me she might not always be available. I had many emotions go through my mind, but it smacked of how men likely feel about having support, comfort and care from others taken away....... when they were used to it..... getting dependent on it, whether they realized it or not...... I didn't like the way it felt. Not at all.
I really enjoy and appreciate having someone focus ONLY on my needs, my comfort, me..... while in that vulnerable position and there have been techs who don't care if they hurt me. I'm done with that. Same with my ears. Straight to a good ENT with the right equipment. No more horsing around with syringes and spray bottles forcing water through.
Attention and care must feel like the sun, particularly for those who felt it before....which was the first contractor from the island. It's interesting to note, he liked receiving it from my married twin, and she gave more, more freely than I did. At a point, I couldn't force myself to be kind or care an inch bc he was so fixated on forcing. For whatever reason,likely his childhood and unavailable mother of 6, the last 2 children she did not want....he was number 6...... getting it from someone who withheld.... was everything. The golden ring. I don't think it had anything to do with me, in particular. Judging from his arrest record, he's done this with many women. I'm not the only one.
The thing is..... I'm paying attention to how I interact. Looking for the balance, Hops. Looking for the signposts.....THIS IS WHERE IT MIGHT GO SIDEWAYS!
Avoiding it. Turning down other paths.
Here's another thing. Men really enjoy being around women who swing a hammer, carry heavy things, help take down walls of dangrous heavy mirror and hold their own. I don't do that with many men, besides contractors or friends of my brother's while splitting wood or doing projects at the lake.
It confuses me to think about NOTdoing those things in order to avoid attracting unwanted attention/affection I'll never return.
I've noticed there are moments where I'll just blurt out things to men....... really serious bottom line things I can and can't put up with, while managing to never master some balance of speaking normally about these things.
Right before I had the contractor on the island removed, I blurted out....."You will never control me with terrorism or threats." Paraphrasing here,but something similar. He looked me right in the eye and said.... "REAly?" Sort of like I'd issued a challenge instead of a bottom line statement about how things were going to go that day.
And I believe that's his "normal." To claw and cry and threaten and harm like an angry 2 year old.... really sad and terrifying, at once.
So, looking at Bee....... gives me pause. Contact with him.... gives me pause. I don't have any concern about the happily married, God fearing contractor...... haven't at all. His wife is HUGE in his life. He says lovely things about her.... adores her. Never a word that's not respectful.
But Bee....... I can hear contractor getting frustrated with Bee in his moment. Sheetrock problem. Bee gets vry quiet when he's in trouble. Contractor apologized...... for getting a bit heated....not mean... just frustrated and that's the thing. Bee needs the supervision a 5yo child would require while working. Except on things like cleaning a car, so far. The contractor knows this is his fault, not Bees. There are things to trust Bee with and everything else..... I wonder how much Bee can be taught. I can hear Bee speaking now..... always very low when he's feeling anxious.....but he reaches out and apologizes once he calms down.
Oh,my heart.
Lighter
