I need to talk to a therapist My mind is a mess.

[bkkabri]

Its been two months and with the holidays coming, I still think of the good times instead of the bad.  I think about how we connected on so many levels, only to find out that she thinks I am nothing.  Looking back I shared my vunerabilities to her thinking she was my lover and friend and now I am sick inside knowing she knows my feelings about me and she just turned and made me feel like I am weak rather than human.  I try to move on, but everything I do is confusing because I expect the same behavior from everyone now.  I am afraid to even compliment a woman because I think she will say the word I used "nice and great" are not good enough.  I know I cant go back, but I wish there was some way to go back to the day I said I wasnt happy and try to work it out.  I know you guys are saying it is impossible, and judging from her words of hurt I know its not possible.  I just keep thinking of the good things she did and wonder if maybe I am the N because I didnt give her the attention she wanted.  There was a time that I was down and took me out to dinner to cheer me up.  I know there were red flags, but it was more silence and avoidance than yelling until the end.  I know some of you are sick of me on this site saying the same thing, and I appoligize.  Its just that this is the second time this has happened to me with a woman(1st being bulimic) now an intelligent woman who cares only about her career and whether or not I make enough money to show off to others.  My self esteem is in the toilet because I dont understand how I looked past her not having any friends, yet she could be so kind to me in the beginning.  I see my friends with their wives and see how they are men and their wives are woman and they are naturally together in union.  My ex would stand 20 feet away and expect me to read her mind to initiate any intimacy. I know its narcissim, but how can you say you want a future, but never give me what it takes to build a future to ensure the process?  She just worked and said we didnt connect like she had hoped.  How do you connect when you wont share your life and thoughts with someone.  I realize I shared my thoughts, but again I feel like the N because those thoughts were about dreams I had in the future thinking she would say those were great dreams.  All I heard was my career wont let me do that.  I told her it could be 10 to 20 years from now, but living in warm weather during the winter sounds great.  How do you get your esteem back  Please be kind in your words, its the holidays and I am hurting because last year was bad, but this year is horrible.

[Anonymous]

bkkabri,

I think seeing a therapist would be a really positive thing to do. You seem to be "hung up" on the surface events when this is not about that. It's about your ideas of women, of relationships, your expectations, your ways of connecting with women. The last thing you need right now is a girlfriend. A therapist would be really supportive and helpful.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Ditto -- seeing a therapist is a definite move in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. See someone who can listen to you and talk to you and who can help you change your thinking.

All you need to change is your thinking, and your life will change. Dramatically and for the better!

Remember too: other people experience the same sort of situations and feelings and thoughts. You aren't that different from everyone else and other people can help you. We ALL find life difficult. Okay?

[pj]

Its been two months and with the holidays coming, I still think of the good times instead of the bad.  I think about how we connected on so many levels, only to find out that she thinks I am nothing.  Looking back I shared my vunerabilities to her thinking she was my lover and friend and now I am sick inside knowing she knows my feelings about me and she just turned and made me feel like I am weak rather than human.  I try to move on, but everything I do is confusing because I expect the same behavior from everyone now.  I am afraid to even compliment a woman because I think she will say the word I used "nice and great" are not good enough.  I know I cant go back, but I wish there was some way to go back to the day I said I wasnt happy and try to work it out.  I know you guys are saying it is impossible, and judging from her words of hurt I know its not possible.  I just keep thinking of the good things she did and wonder if maybe I am the N because I didnt give her the attention she wanted.  There was a time that I was down and took me out to dinner to cheer me up.  I know there were red flags, but it was more silence and avoidance than yelling until the end.  I know some of you are sick of me on this site saying the same thing, and I appoligize.  Its just that this is the second time this has happened to me with a woman(1st being bulimic) now an intelligent woman who cares only about her career and whether or not I make enough money to show off to others.  My self esteem is in the toilet because I dont understand how I looked past her not having any friends, yet she could be so kind to me in the beginning.  I see my friends with their wives and see how they are men and their wives are woman and they are naturally together in union.  My ex would stand 20 feet away and expect me to read her mind to initiate any intimacy. I know its narcissim, but how can you say you want a future, but never give me what it takes to build a future to ensure the process?  She just worked and said we didnt connect like she had hoped.  How do you connect when you wont share your life and thoughts with someone.  I realize I shared my thoughts, but again I feel like the N because those thoughts were about dreams I had in the future thinking she would say those were great dreams.  All I heard was my career wont let me do that.  I told her it could be 10 to 20 years from now, but living in warm weather during the winter sounds great.  How do you get your esteem back  Please be kind in your words, its the holidays and I am hurting because last year was bad, but this year is horrible.

You seem to be just like me, and your ex seems like a carbon copy of my ex. I too found it hard to beleive that women could be normal, but now I do. YOU WILL TOO, just waite till you find the right girl.

[bkkabri]

Thanks PJ.  I am talking with a new girl that I grew up with and she has been a really great friend.  I am coming thru this, but I still have the problem with the girl I met and claimed to love me.  I thought I was there for her, but she misunderstood everything I said and etched it in stone without ever acknowledging the facts are misconstrued.  I know its crazy, but I feel like I want her back because I miss the woman she presented the first year.  It seemed normal except for the fact that she never talked about her past, and I never met any friends.  The only one I met she dumped on saying she was trying to break us up.  I talked to the friend later and she said that she has no idea why she freaked, but that she doesnt understand her behaviour either.  The worst part of this is that I feel like I lost her because her dad didnt seem to like me, and she worshipped her dad for everything.  She even told me she wants to marry a man exactly like her father.  I told her that I could never replace the love of her father, because he conceived her and took care of her as a child.  I told her I would give her the same unconditional love, but I couldnt ever be her dad.  Its weird stuff like that which still baffels me to this day.  I really miss the woman I thought she was.  PJ, if you ever want to chat, let me know. Brian

[Portia]

and another one, you want some practical advice Brian?

I told her that I could never replace the love of her father, because he conceived her and took care of her as a child. I told her I would give her the same unconditional love

Big mistake! Telling someone they have your unconditional love (unless you're a very self-aware spiritual giving person like a Saint) – is like saying “whatever you do, I’ll love you”.

Whatever someone does, you’ll love them? Really? If they cheat on you, murder your parents, rape your children, you’ll love them? That’s what unconditional love is to me. It’s what very few mothers have for their children. I think very, very few adults have it for other adults. And by saying it to your woman, you’re saying “hey you can walk all over me and I won’t complain”.

People respect you, like you and love you IF you respect, like and love yourself Brian. And people here like you because you’re open and honest. Those are fantastic qualities, maybe it’s time to apply them to yourself. You deserve it. I gotta go, best wishes for the new year, new you.

[ResilientLady]

People respect you, like you and love you IF you respect, like and love yourself Brian (..) maybe it’s time to apply them to yourself.

Hi Portia, great summary. And very very well said...  
(maybe it takes time to apply it totally, but I guess these are things one starts w/ "baby steps" (at least as far as I am concerned), right?   )
-RL