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2021 Farm Log

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sKePTiKal:
Well, that creative streak got a tad far out over the weekend. LOLOLOLOL. Friend Deb came to stay the weekend. We had more food around that we could eat. She's been losing weight what with all the stress of the past few months. And it's helping with managing her blood sugar...

No late nights, even though we met up with Hol in the studio (aka "bitch barn") where we let it all hang out. First night, was real early since dinner was required. We both slept in and enjoyed the cool evenings. Saturday we went for a drive, exploring... into the county where I lived in the 90s and built the first homestead. A couple stops: farm market, the local indoor "mall" - which is a combination of Big Lots and a curiosity shop, and then what used to be a feed store converted into an upscale artist's co-op, wine bar & bakery. Ran a lot of my old commuter routes. Sunday was another lazy day - I started mending B's old bike jeans and the hilarity commenced as Hol pointed out I'm the stubbornest person she knows, and despite her advice on patching the knee (she IS the pants "problem-solver") I insisted on patching it the hardest way possible. Had to pull the needle through all the layers with a hemostat.

We watched her Hallmark series; a couple of period Brit comedies that were really cute. Again with the romance angle in them. Which I find odd - since she absolutely positively won't discuss maybe having a relationship with a guy (not interested in women either). It's been a solid "no" ever since I've known her. She's never said why; I don't pry. People have their reasons.

B is back on the phones this morning... trying to shepherd his medical/gov stuff along again. I've been collecting the parts & pieces he needs to make Helga functional again (bigger, better, bionic!) for his next big project. AND dealing with the first major retirement of an employee at the business. Lots of paperwork since that position is financial. There's been some progress on the generational transition side of things too. Bro has been pretty easy to deal with - but still not quite with his head totally wrapped around things.

Roof is done on the metal shop. Talked to one of the bosses for a good bit last week too; following on up on other processes that need to happen so B can bring the rest of his tools/equipment and have no more reasons other than his own energy/time in preparing to make that final move. He really doesn't want to wait till the snow flies out here.

It's safer territory right now, for B & I to focus on the mundane practical matters... but there have still been frequent flights of romantic daydreaming dropped into that. There is so much "to do" to get this part of the relationship (at a distance) PAST, neither of us wants to create an emotional obstacle or paralysis. The man does make me giggle tho - we've been having all kinds of silly fun conversations lately. Some of it is just nonsense; some of it is "future mind-tripping" - going off into total fantasyland.

He's been feeling pretty good; got his feet cleared up completely now too. Knock on wood, it's been at least 2 months since he's suffered a recurrance of the meningitis symptoms. It's the longest stretch without one, in a year. I'm thinking he's been taking the tincture for a year - minus a month or so when he ran out & didn't tell me. Taking a break like that is a good practice anyway.

(Just heard; no joy on the phone calls yet.)

I'm being lazy this morning and playing online to let my brain settle into some "straight-line, one task" doing. I've been jumping around from thing to thing lately (multi-tasking) and it absolutely destroys my sense of being able to feel "myself". I've adapted to a slower pace and it makes so much more sense for me, I don't know why I didn't start this in my 40s. And moving slower, I'm realizing the tasks that I resist the most strongly (just don't want to do them) really take so little time... it's kinda rediculous to not just jump in and get past it. Why the emotional hurdle, ya know? And that hurdle... and the pressure to rush-rush around, juggling... actually gets in the way of me actually feeling ANYTHING at all, until I take a break. Stop doing. Then I can feel again.

Just more me-weirdness I guess.

lighter:
I'm really feeling that last paragraph of yours, Amber.

The cadence of avoiding, waiting for the energy of crisis to land, working like mad then wondering why there's no balance.

Hmmmm.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
It has it's pros & cons Lighter.

I've noticed for awhile, that when I finally stop thinking & doing, and start feeling - the very first thing I jump into is grief. Personal grief long past & relived (to what purpose??); grief for my friends who are struggling; grief for the world (jeez, ego much??).

Yeah - balance is important. And I've spent more than enough time in grief, thank the Godz very much, but NO THANKS.

Whether it's true or not, my perception is that if I'm only going to permit myself to focus feeling on grief - it renders me a lot less effective in my life. It gives way to hopelessness & learned helplessness. Fortunately, I've been expanding my repertoire of feelings the past few years. I'm LIKING that bigger purse of feelings. Doing my best to share those more positive feelings too... but I do run the risk of being called a pollyanna (so what?) and avoiding reality, even. But I don't avoid reality - I just define it as big enough to hold all those positive feelings too:

contentedness, satisfaction of accomplishment, sheer happiness - either on my own or shared with others, silly creativity and making fun/light of the human condition and the trials & tribulations of life. (If we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane - Jimmy Buffett)

Those sad moments don't last long anymore. I don't wallow much or for long. I think I just need to acknowledge that there IS a component of my feelings - about the state of the world - that deserves to be mourned. Then I can get back to the complete jukebox of feelings and putting one foot in front of the other again. It sure beats what I used to subject myself to.

Hopalong:
I resonate to the collective human grief too, Amber.
I think you're feeling waves of it that are reverberating through our entire species.
If we were elephants we'd be stamping nonstop on the desert floor, and trumpeting a lament that carries to the stars.

All came together and we have one last half-chance to get serious about saving our planet and our sense of community and nation.

I get it. How could a feeling, thinking human NOT feel this?

My media diet (meaning news) has gotten more intentional. It's helping.

Comfort and joy -- tidings of them anyway,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, the sense of grief is passing. However, the stress and "waiting for the other shoe to drop" anxiety hasn't. I'm managing mine OK; Hol is struggling - but trying to, as well. She just left to go to work for 3 weeks - where, despite vaccine requirements, mandatory masking & face shields, and weekly testing - every week people are still testing positive. She will likely turn down anymore film/tv work the rest of the year.

I'm channeling my anxiety into doing the practical, get the place ready for winter preparations. Pre-stocking holiday baking supplies (as the shelves have occasionally been a little bare even this summer) and thinking on getting my gifts here, too. Thinking on making more space for Buck around here too. Pushing harder on the metal shop contractor. I have little projects for interior changes, too. Things to improve space usage & functionality; that kind of thing.

B MIGHT - that's a big stress on MIGHT - be here sooner rather than later. We're both keeping our ear to the ground and hearing some disquieting things. He is making extra preparation for the October trip, in case it becomes advisable to leave with what is packed and just be here instead. I'm not holding my breath and I'm also not catastrophizing anything I'm hearing - or he's hearing. He's been busy - so also quiet - again. And when I do talk to him, it's clear he's purging a lot of his thought processes too - and making big adjustments. (edited in; see following)

The heat is making an encore appearance this week - which irritates me, as I have a lot to do outside. But it is what it is. So I started work on patching & "restoring" a pair of B's favorite jeans. And I can probably pre-shop for next year's garden stuff too.

I'm rethinking reality a lot these days. Looking for flexibility in places where the standard definition was pretty settled - but isn't any longer. Readjusting expectations. Exploring my map of previous experiences.... and pulling out bits & pieces that have been mislabeled, wrongly categorized, or mischaracterized. Lots of emotional exploration too - and trying to put words to those feelings, most for the first time. Perspective is shifting, I think. Vantage point of looking at things.

Whatever else is going on in the world - there is a lot of good energy around for personal growth and transformation. And that's an opportunity I'm not going to be "too busy" to miss. Just requires tweaking the old viewpoint frequency receiver, to get the best "signal". It's probably always there - but more than likely a cat bumped the tuning knob - so what comes in, isn't what I was looking for. (To understate it by a mile or leagues.)

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