Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2021 Farm Log
Twoapenny:
Poor Buck. It must be very draining for him. Do they do it on purpose, Skep, to avoid paying for things? Or do you think there's so much ineffective organisation and communication that it's more down to people not doing what they should, when they should? Either way, I hope he gets some sort of useful event coming soon xx
sKePTiKal:
Tupp - the VA (Veteran's Affairs) has needed a complete overhaul for decades or longer. And what I see is typical bureaucratic behavior - so it's some of everything: people on a power trip, people not caring, incompetence and poor training/education -- and stereotyping, too. Way before I got involved with B, I was already aware of some of the problems via other Vets. I'd try to give them support, suggestions, etc. I can't possibly read the institutional mind, but the attitude seems to one of suspecting the worst motives from all the vets and the defensive posture they take approving anything kinda confirms that mindset. Animals are cared for better in this country. (Yeah, I occasionally entertain ideas about starting a non-profit to help...but I don't think I could take the "beat head on same brick wall and hope for a different result" experience.
Hops - the waiting has worn me right down, I think. Bless him, he tries so hard to connect with me during every day... but it's not the same. He's still a "virtual partner" - and as low as I'm feeling about a resolution to this distance - it's easy to accuse myself of manifesting an elaborate fantasy and that none of this - feelings, timelines, etc - is real. Yeah, I've continued to maintain my space and momentum of activity around the farm - even Hol remarked about how many things I've knocked off my list that for one reason or another I just didn't "get around to". I stay active witih my other friends too.. so I'm not obsessing on him/lack of presence.
But there are just so many little things about him that I miss - the little ways he "takes care of me"; none of it patronizing or dominating or possessive... it's just simple kindness coming from someone else (him) that is lacking in my self-motivated, self-busy world. Yeah, I'm strong - mentally, emotionally, physically (sorta). But even strong people need to be scooped up and held when they just can't go on anymore. Two years of holding it together, like this, and dealing with the various day to day stuff or crises as they occurred is a pretty good accomplishment, n'est-ce pas?
So, I took a time out yesterday afternoon with Hol... and wound up crying out all the frustration, confused feelings, and the end of my patience. And I'm going to extend that to today, too. There is absolutely nothing that "has to be done" today... and I'm dogsitting Knuckles - my buddy. It's not his fault; there is no blame -- but I feel how I feel, right now. Maybe when that's all emptied out, I'll be able to get back up and at it.
I just don't have the energy right now; I'm sad and feeling like he'll never be here and it doesn't matter what he says; I know he believes what he says. Fully intends to carry it out. I think I still have half a pint of ice cream, and habenero chocolate sauce...
I'm gonna go bury myself in how-to videos for growing, processing, spinning and weaving linen and maybe just pull today over my head like blankets and not even adult today.
:P
Hopalong:
Good for you, Amber.
I'm glad you stopped asking yourself to be unrealistically (or maybe just unfairly) self-controlled. Good that a lot of it came out. Strong women weep.
I think you said something important, that B "believes what he says" about when he'll be with you. He might be fantasizing too, and that's something to process. Not necessarily a happy something, but...reality is our friend. I know all his obstacles and medical issues and D delays and house preps are real and legitimate, but maybe his follow-through on everything sounds better than it actually is, or than he can actually accomplish. Some dreams do collapse under the weight of expectations and abilities. And fantasies.
I really feel for you in this. It would be a shame to feel you've been nourishing your hopes on well, hope, rather than ... on enough actions to make them real.
Pass the ice cream.
Would it help you to instead of kicking up the communication, to explain to B that the protracted delay is causing enough pain that you might do better putting a pause in the dream-sharing for now...maybe pick it up in three months after he has time to focus and you have time to calm the inner tension of ever-changing dates?
I just worry about relationships built on texts....it's like quick callouts from the id.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
I can only respond to part of your suggestions right now, Hops. Our texting is more like conversation; a chat room vs discussion board. And since I despise touchscreens, some of my lengthy (rambling) texts are what prompted more phone calls instead. From his voice, I can pick up anxiety, frustration, joy... it makes a difference; it feels more real.
I'm still looking at everything else. Emotional storm has calmed down a little. And timing-wise, the storm might've been one of those "darkest before the dawn" moments. He has appts now - progress steps - toward the antibiotic treatment lined up now. (And it's not for his lack of trying or follow through... most of the time their excuse is covid.)
It remains true that my biggest fear is he may die before ever getting moved here. I've seen him take some serious curves with the progression of this infection. So, my feelings are (I think) more about me -- than anything he's done/not doing/is or dealing with.
I can see my brain starting to line up the list of "piling on" items... and truthfully, most of them don't directly impact me... so I can still shut that runaway train down before it completely derails. Knuckles thinks Gramma's house is for sleeping; he got in his chair and didn't bat an eye till Hol got back... calming energy. Stink is healing up from his surgery really well... and since it's going to warm up next week, Freddy and I can start introducing him to the outdoors. I need to start seeds, plow, make rock piles... and start dealing with yardwork.
Twoapenny:
((((Skep)))))))
I think a bit of a weep and a day or two off 'adulting' are very necessary at times (in fact I can remember how much I wanted to be an adult when I was a child and now that I am one I don't think it's all it's cracked up to be ;) ). I'm glad Hol plus pets were around for a bit of comfort.
I think the situation you describe with Buck is similar here; veterans are treated terribly if they suffer any kind of health problem after service and so many are homeless and/or trying to cope with PTSD via alcohol and drugs because they can't get medical care. It is shocking that in this day and age so many people are still missing out on the basics, particularly when they've done so much for their own countries. It must be infuriating for both of you and I hope something useful happens soon. And that the weather perks up, Covid buggers off and all the other things that are problematic at the moment start to settle down, too :) xx
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