My husband has been dead over a year now...........omg

[Bettyanne]

Hi dear friends.......

I wish I could  say I am good.......but I miss my husband Bill so so much.......
I've been with him since I was 16 and he basically saved my life from what I was living with my immediate family.....if I can even call them a family a bunch of nut cases.  I am lucky I survived years of craziness to put it mildly.

I miss Bill so so much.........I came from Irish and British back ground.....I am not trying to put them down but they were so dysfunctional is putting it mildly.  My grandmother who was born in Ireland to a large family could not write or read.....
that doesn't make her bad but her screaming and yelling was a lot to put up with to put it mildly.  Never mind that my mother if you want to call her that?? left her mother to take care of my retarded brother who could only sit, have no control over his bowels, he could only laugh or cry not talking at all......and take convulsions often.

My first five years of life was spent in a day nursery........that's saying a lot........I didn't have my own bed until I was 14 and before that I slept with my dad, retired brother......and my mother slept on the sofa.......the run away from everything person ......she told people how her hands were full.......full with what?  wanting nothing to do with her son, me or my dad.  Not to mention my crazy grandmother........omg.

I raised six kids with my husband Bill my mother never helped me .......other then to take one of kids on a trip......what joke that was never really doing anything with them. yicks..........yicks

I will continue this later.........I am trying to recover best I can from the lost of my husband Bill and an insane childhood.

[Hopalong]

Hi ((((Bettyanne))))) --

It's good to hear from you; I'd been wondering how you're doing.

It sounds like in addition to grieving your loss of dear Bill, you're also re-living all the cruelties and hardships of your childhood.

Are you okay with re-living it over and over? What do you think you could do to get some serious support so you could find some peace? I think you deserve to feel some inner peace.

I hope you might consider finding counseling. Even on Zoom, it's a huge help.

What do you think you're going to do?

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

((Bettyanne))
You tell your story till it's all out in the sunshine.

Feel compassion for your younger self and current self.  Be very kind, always, with you.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lighter's right, Bettyanne.
It doesn't matter how often you need to tell what happened with your mother and brother and childhood. Each telling might help ease the pain.

I know I/we can't fix it. I just yearn for you to have support where and as you are, in the real world. Getting older and being in your stage of life without that, while still missing Bill so much, sounds so difficult to me. But maybe I'm assuming and you've been in a grief group for a while. I hope so.

Hope you'll post more often and tell it here too.

hugs
Hops

[Bettyanne]

Hi dear friends..........
I think I never over came what I lived with because I ended up one time in a private small type of place for mentally ill people ........I was 24 at the time.  I got some help but not what I really needed.......I am 78 now and realize I was never told to get that women out of my life......yes that was the answer I needed.......I am with a psychologist who for the past 10 years has never said to me get away from her.......I realize I needed to separate myself from my so called mother who never really was one.  When I married Bill when I was 21. She really was the main cause of everything that happened to me as a child and older ........what was wrong with these psychologist all these years?? your all right in saying I need real help not someone just listening to me and the women I go to has a PHD.........yicks  It really means nothing does it???

Bill being gone is the worst really.........he was a good man and had a similar background family wise as myself......Irish mother born in Donegal.  She was crazy too........she favored her younger son over my husband who could not have been nicer to her.......what can you do?  nothing really but get away from them which we didn't do.

Yes I  really needed someone especially the therapist I was seeing to tell me to be strong and get these people out of your life......well they are gone now and they are dead........but I realize I needed to get them out of my life when I was younger.....like at least age 21.....and never see them again......ever ever ever

[Bettyanne]

I wish I had been able to handle what was ..........I realize now how we can break away from what is not good for us.
I am only one left from my childhood family and I do have six kids but my so called mother brainwashed them into thinking she was fine.......nothing I can do about that now.....

I miss Bill so so much......I realize what we had was good and we loved each other.  Thanks dear friends here......
Love, Bettyanne

[Hopalong]

You're very welcome, (((((Bettyanne))))).

Come back any time you need to just express it all, get it written out.

We hear you.

hugs and comfort,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi BettyAnne,
It's lovely to see you, although I'm sorry things are (understandably) so tough for you.  I was watching a TV show the other night and a lady on there was talking about losing her husband - she said the light in her heart had gone out and I just really go the sense of loss and sorrow from that.  I guess it feels like a similar thing for you.  I'm so sorry.

I think with family, even breaking away didn't stop the enormous influence they had/have on my life.  I haven't spoken to my mum for fifteen years now and the only contact has been either unpleasant cards or letters from her and one or two 'reaching out' cards from me over the years, which I wished I hadn't sent.  I still think about her every day, I still wish things were different, I still look back at some of my childhood and think 'what the hell were you thinking?'.  I think they're just part of us, you know?  And I guess Bill kind of rescued you from them in a way, and maybe that's why they're on your mind a lot again now he's gone.

I'm very sorry it's so tough and wish there was something I could do or say that just made it feel better.  It's so hard.  I hope you're able to pop in here from time to time anyway, it's always lovely to see you xx

[lighter]

((Bettyanne))  I hope you find a way Bill is close to you.  Sometimes I want so hard to have my Bill with me.....I pretend he's right next to me and for a little while, he is.  At least to my Nervous System and heart.....
they believe. 
::Nodding::.

It's a comfort to me as are dreams.

[Bettyanne]

I continue to feel the lost of Bill.......
I was ready what I wrote but I think he was the only person that I had........he was always to kind to  me...I don't mean he that he never did nothing wrong.......we all do........but I felt so close to him.....He understood what I was going through.
He knew there was something so wrong with my mother........
If only I was told a therapist to get away from her........I see that clearer today then ever.........my life would have been different not perfect but I would not have let her control me or my husbands..........

I am 78 now and I see with my eyes wide open OMG what a sicko she was and her mother.......I see my dad did nothing to control her either.......that's the lesson.......we all can make a choice????? we don't have to be abused.
As I continue to miss Bill I realize I needed to get away from her.....she's gone now but she was awful to the end almost 101.

Thank you friends........for kindness and nice responses........it's never to late to say NO.......and learn to love ourselves
Love, Bettyanne

[Hopalong]

it's never to late to say NO.......and learn to love ourselves

Thank you for this, Bettyanne. It was just what I needed to hear!

I was thinking how a new wave of grief after a year made a lot of sense. You miss Bill so very much. I never would remember to pay attention to "anniversary reactions" before they sneaked up on me, but I know I've had them. In time, the waves just get a little smaller until you can rock a little but not feel you're drowning.

I bet what Bill would want is for you to find peace inside so you can enjoy small moments of beauty or nature or laughter. I bet he'd like to see you release your mother to the past and enjoy the present now -- every scrap of beauty you see. Enjoy it for both of you.

big hugs to you, Bettyanne--
Hops

[Bettyanne]

Thank you Hops from the bottom of my heart what you said means a lot to me.  Truly kindness.......
Love, Bettyanne