Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I'm new here
Hopalong:
My heart tore over N's life, short and cheated--and felt for all of you.
A very diificult saga from which strength and survivors were born.
Hops
Phyll:
continuing....
As each of my older brothers moved out of the house it seemed I stepped into the next role within the family. I went from Mascot, to Lost Child, to Scapegoat, and finally to Hero.
As a teenager I was picked up by police while smoking pot. They called my parents to pick me up and of course my Dad was pretty drunk. At the time I was not receptive, but looking back I appreciate the officer who told me the drinking and the pot were the same problem. For me it turned out to be true. I tried so hard to control my drinking by getting high. It didn't work.
My father was devastated to learn his daughter was "on drugs." His crisis became on opportunity for him to get treatment for his alcoholism. I had to go to court which my Mom went to by herself. They issued 3 months observation. I had no idea at the time my Mom feared the authorities might take me away from her.
I don't recall if it was after the first treatment, but my Dad sobered up for about 7 months. I realized it was the only time in my life I saw him sober. He otherwise always had alcohol in his system. He still had a short fuse, but was much less irrational.
In the summer before my senior year my Mom had a heart attack. I remember my Brother D - who had moved back home told me as I walked into the house. The ambulance had been called. My Mom was emptying her purse of packages of cigarettes.
While Mom was in the hospital my Dad began drinking again. I will never forget the look of disappointment on her face when I went so see her in the hospital and Dad was sitting their drunk.
There was much tension in the house between brother D and my Dad at that time. D had a woman in the bedroom, Dad did not like it (she didn't have to be so noisy about it IMO) and there was a verbal altercation following Dad opening the bedroom door.
After Mom returned home from triple by-pass heart surgery my brother D began pressuring Mom to leave Dad. I felt she was in no condition to get a divorce at that time. I told brother D he did not need to live in the house and to leave Mom alone. He resented my saying so but he did move out.
My Mom raised me to never be financially dependent on a man. It was her goal that I would have letters after my name (and possibly no letters after my name either). She did all the paperwork for financial aid. I worked summers at the canning factory, and was able to earn a degree within 4 years from the State University. I nearly flunked out my first year at the university extension, but was accepted to continue on academic probation. Back then anything over 12 credits a semester was free. I had a lot of catching up to do and took 22 and 19 credits during that last year to graduate.
The summer before my last year of college I assured Mom I would graduate. I encouraged her to get a divorce. She had been sober 7 years and I hated to see how unhappy she was. I don't know how she managed, as they were legally separated while living in the same house. They had a double mortgage and bill collectors calling. At one point we took all of the hunting rifles out of the house because Dad threatened to kill himself - and said if he had to die so did she. Mom had locked him out that time and when he took an axe to the back door she escaped out the front and ran to brother F's house. (Why did she not call the police?)
After my folks sold the house they moved into their own apartments. It broke my heart to see my Dad cry, and Mom told me she could not have done it without my support. Tears come to my eyes as I write this. I think this is why I am paralyzed in my own situation, and I do not have a close family member to support me.
My Dad did not stay long in that apartment. He answered an add in the paper and took up with a widow in town. They got married. She could not hold a candle to my Mom and had no idea what she had gotten herself into. She invited us kids to a combination Birthday and Father's Day celebration for Dad. In the invitation she wrote, "From what I gather none of you kids ever paid much attention to your Dad. I think it is time you did." None of us went. What did she expect? As my brother D put it (he always had a way with sarcasm) - we would all show up and say, "We hate our Mom now. Fuck her."
About 5 years into their marriage my Dad lost his job (again). When I spoke to his wife on the phone she told me he would be starting to sell used cars for someone else. I said that was good to hear as he did not handle being off work for any period of time. She replied, "...and the liquor store is right around the corner and that doesn't work either!" It was the 1st time I had heard her even come close to recognizing my Dad's drinking without assigning blame to us or my Mom. (That always hurt because I knew the blame was generated from my Dad.) A week later she had a massive coronary and died.
Dad's wife left enough money for Dad to buy a mobile home. It was a nice double wide, and the salesman in him purchased it for a song.
In the mean time, my Dad's Uncle A had put his entire estate in my Mother's name (even before my parents divorced). When Mom divorced Dad, Uncle A told her she was right, she should have divorced him. Uncle A had been a widow for years, and their only son (Dad's cousin) died of a sports injury when he was 17 years old.
Uncle A died the summer after I graduated from college. No one from my Dad's side of the family, (including my Dad) contested the Will. Mom and I moving into that house was like moving back home. I had spent many times in that house while Mom did the cleaning, until we moved away when I was in 1st grade.
My parents never stopped loving each other. Mom demonstrated to all of us acceptance of his illness and how to lovingly detach. Dad did not live long after his wife died. It was nice how my Mom could be a part of the family for my Dad's funeral.
Phyll:
Today I noticed I graduated from Newbie to Jr. Member! :D
Hopalong:
Congrats, Phyll!
We need a Certificate of Hanging In.
:)
Hops
Phyll:
:lol:
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