2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report

[sKePTiKal]

Once again, no news is good news.

B's infection is clearing up now. Both my jeeps have been added to the "must repair list" - brakes. Rudi's almost done. All the bobcat needs is some grease - and shelter. Still have a gas tank to weld on the backhoe.

I've got blinds & curtains to put up in the studio. Debbie's coming out for a long weekend away from "crazy". Hol's getting ready to go back to work for a couple weeks; and she's sorting out her differences with S.

We're planning a low-key relaxing weekend. A bit of a road trip, if the Grand Cherokee is done in time - there is a farm I want to check out for grass-fed beef. There are 3-4 sources locally now and the farmer's markets are all over the place on weekends.

B's been cutting/splitting wood for the stoves this winter - and to clear out around the shop. He's in no hurry to go back... LOLOLOL. Which suits me fine. But he'll have to - he keeps needing tools he doesn't have here. LOLOL.

[sKePTiKal]

Just got the call last night - my mom has died.

Bro was set to take her home for hospice today. He's a tad upset about that - but now that it's over, I think the relief will set in. Both Hol & I have been expecting the call for days now. She was less of a fan of my mom than I was. My only regret is that now there isn't any way to resolve our differences. We had said everything that needed saying by the middle of the lockdown... so the only thing left was just accepting the finality of not being able to address those differences.

I kinda don't really feel anything one thing or another; I knew she was dying back in June.

So after the cremation, I guess Bro & I will discuss the hoarders' pile of stuff left behind. We would need a couple of large uhaul trucks to deal with it - and then I'm not sure where it would/should go. Maybe donations for a lot of it. Only thing I know I have dibs on is my step-dad's treadle sewing machine.

[lighter]

I'm sorry you didn't get more closure and understanding from your mom, ((Amber.))

I found myself feeling all kinds of ways after my mother passed.  I found healing I couldn't find while she was still alive, beginning with her memorial service, so maybe resist feeling your time for closure has passed.  It might just begin.

About the hoard.... there are companies that haul everything away for you.  If you can find one that does it for cheap, maybe cosider them.  I bet that sewing machine is smack in the middle of that hoard.


::shaking head::.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Lighter.

Mostly, I found myself thinking I "should" feel something different than I was feeling. But mostly I just feel free. So I get the healing side of this. Talk about waking up into a new reality, tho! 

It's a pretty day here. I have all the makings for a long bonfire (and really, it's due). Buck is a big help with accepting that people are who they are... and we can let go without regret; accepting that things are the way they are.

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry, (((((Amber)))))). Not because this is a Greek tragedy, but because no matter how an individual reacts to loss -- it is always individual -- there's an inner child present there somewhere. Hugs and gentle company to her. (I'm glad Buck's with you now. And that your mother's misery is over.)

That child may feel relieved, scared, sad, guilty, confused, liberated, angry, lost, numb or any of these and so many more emotions. It's such a swirl for a while. Individual.

I like Lighter's thought that sometimes more healing and closure happen after a death that could not happen before. Something that occurs to me is that no matter our age when it comes, when our second parent dies -- even or maybe especially a toxic one -- on some biological or metaphysical level, being orphaned is a new identity. Sometimes even when we've looked forward to that freedom, it is still a disorienting feeling. That wears off.

I knew when my Nmom died my main feeling was relief. I had already done most of my grieving for her (what she was and couldn't be) over the course of years. I was also exhausted; so some sorrow, but no tears. Now and then I very briefly miss her, just in a momentary flash when, say, folding something the way she taught me to.

You just do you, wherever your feelings and reflections take you. I know you'll listen to what floats up and you'll be safe with it.

hugs and comfort,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I had already done most of my grieving for her (what she was and couldn't be) over the course of years.

Exactly this Hops. After 50 years.

[sKePTiKal]

So, B's pump refill was yesterday. And it was deided that yes, pressing ahead to also replace the stimulator (electrical signal to nerves) would also get done - and the process began yesterday. Insurance approval first; psych eval (which is std protocol), and then schedule surgery. We'd been talking/planning about getting back to finish packing and move the next load - but we have another appt next week to give him some latitude on the pump dose rate, with his own controller.

So, we're kinda shifting gears in our planning process a lot. This new pump and several adjustments have made it possible for him to start living more like a normal person - there's less uncertainty in the morning about whether he's going to have a good day or will be miserable all day. His sleeping patterns are normalizing; less waking in the middle of the night and fewer headaches; fewer serious muscle spasms. Overall his quality of life is improving.

Less chronic pain has contributed to more fun times for us, too. Though it's all homely and just being together fun. We 're really getting to know each other at a deep level. It's all just organic, unstructured, the two us as each of us are... and it's incredibly uncomplex and easy - and FUN. Hol isn't understanding this, at all. Seems she's still working through her pre-ordained pattern of a relationship and the level of her satisfaction and getting her needs met. And I think she's having a relationship with her mental image of who she thinks S is; or what he has the potential to be... instead of realizing that with some efforts on her part, what is would work just fine. And if it still won't - it's within her perogative to end it and move on with her life. Instead of cycling around in questioning, imagination, and her struggle with self-image.

Yeah, she's an overthinker par excellence! It is not in her vocabulary to just be grateful for the many things that are going just fine... and continue doing it the next day and the next. It has to be something ELSE; impressive, spectacular, maybe something that will up her value socially among her peer group. (Because she's seeing it through a negative lens too often.) But she's going to work for a couple of weeks and I'm sure that her life here is going to look a lot better when she gets home.

I'm trying to rebalance how much time I spend with her because she's perfectly capable of working through all this crap in her head by herself. And I want to invest in MY life, too. I think she gets that.

There is less "waiting for the other shoe to drop", now that my Mom has passed. As if I couldn't see how much dread I felt about her next phone call or medical episode. Or how much space in my head she took up. There is more room now. And honestly, I'm hearing less of those nasty judgy self-critical comments too. Which is like breathing crisp fresh air on a fall day...

[lighter]

How does Too feel about therapy?  If you step back, maybe she'll seek out professional advice?

You sound real good, Amber: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I've been strongly suggesting T for a long time, Lighter. Years. Mostly on her own - but if asked, I would be willing to do a joint session. She is just not a believer in the benefits, for various reasons. It matters not that I've told her that it would take some effort to find someone who is a good match for her. A "guide" to fixing oneself would work best for her, but first she needs convincing that T isn't going to "fix" anything; that's her job once she discovers how she's sabotaging herself.

Anxiety seems to be her nemesis. But then, I was about her age when it hit me like a frieght train too. Her perimenopausal symptoms are tough; hormones very wonky. But, progress is being made anyway. She did actually ASK for some support last night without being overcritical of what was able to be offered.

She is a person who functions best in a busy, demanding, structured environment with a smaller amount of free time. I thrive on unstructured free time - even if I do have to fight my tendency to be lazy.

[Hopalong]

I'm really sorry, Amber.

If Hol could open herself to having her own experience in therapy in the nearby city, her whole life could grow more peaceful and focused. She could heal and bloom.

IME, sometimes even the very first "interview for information" appointment she makes could pay off. And if the fit's not quite right, it's just as valuable to talk with a second or third professional. She'll know when it's right.

Sending good vibes to you both. Plus B.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

Yes, she knows the value - despite her misgivings - of therapy. She has to seek this on her own or the effort is wasted energy.

[Hopalong]

Boy, do I understand the horse story.
My advocacy and urging backfired hugely.

Good luck. Hope Hol wakes up one morning and decides
she is worth it, capable of change, and deserving of peace.

hugs and happy Sunday,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

No worries Hops. We're all trying to do the best we can with who we are and what we've got to give.

[Hopalong]

Ahhh.
I meant that my advocacy/urging about therapy with my own D backfired hugely. Anything I proposed was automatically rejected.

I still believe if she'd been willing to do family counseling with me, we might have found a way through. She went to a couple of appointments: rejected the first therapist and announced her "divorce my mother" plan at the second.

Ah, well. All water over the bridge now.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah, Hol's issues aren't with me, thankfully. Sometimes it sounds that way, but she's actually indulging herself in some role-play rehersing using me as a stand-in. It confuses me sometimes, and others who witness this weird shift she does. But it's all an attempt to alleviate the level of extreme anxiety she's trying to manage/work through.

She isn't a person one would think would have an issue with direct, blunt, confrontation (from her external persona) - but she is. Behind that blustery, you can't push me around mask - she is a softy marshmallow. We've talked about the possibility of trying to get those two sides of herself to play nicer with each other, toward a single objective. She definitely gets it - and I definitely understand it's way harder than it sounds.

She's working this week and next. It's good for us to have some "time off" from each other. And the working is good for her too. She doesn't have time to spend overthinking the least little things right now. So.... we'll see. I have every confidence she'll be able to find her way through the maze she's created in her mind to a practical (for her) resolution. And I am remembering she needs the positive feedback, better.