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2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report

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Hopalong:
I just leave my back alone and ask nothing more of it that day, Lighter. It's pretty pale compared to former fitness, but I'm coming along. Heart test #2 out of 3 is done and normal. So I'm feeling pretty optimistic and starting to believe that as intense as the chest pain and irregularities have felt, it may have been pure anxiety. Very possible. I won't know for sure until Sept (or maybe Nov.).

I only use Westsoy because it's the only one with 2 ingredients: soybeans and water. All the others have thickeners and weird stuff I'm not interested in. And I like the shelf-stable packages too. Normally for my smoothies I use kefir but I was out.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I haven't felt the need for a T, in over 10 years Lighter. I did enough memory work during my time back then, I can do for myself what is necessary - IF it's necessary. And if I need a sounding board, Hol is ready & willing to call BS on anything I might concoct which isn't real. LOLOLOL.

Just the acknowledgement that little me, has long hoped that mom would put her self back together is enough. I think. There hasn't been any real relationship between us most of my life now. Adult me, is able to take care of little me. (And apparently LOTS of other things & people sometimes, too.) We've had limited contact - I've developed the ability to know when I'm not able to take her constant monologue of woe and never take suggestions, protecting myself. That's helped a lot. I've given to her what I CAN give; and it isn't relevant if that's "good enough". I can even accept that. She isn't a perfect human being, any more than I am. And people have different talents & capacities.

It's just a thing happening now - along with all the things - in my life at the farm. Like Buck returning on Friday. Hol maybe going to work for a week on a new production. Maybe having to feed the birds and care for dog(s). This "thing" with my mom isn't ever going to be resolved. And it'll be OK. Since it seems to have sufficed this long. I'm not unduly concerned or worried or emotionally upset by this. I don't HAVE to DO anything at all about it - and understand the real limitations of trying. Nothing much at all is going to change in my life, when she does die. She's only been warning me for decades & decades that she's going to... as if I don't have a clue about that particular law of nature.

There is plenty in my life to enjoy, to play with, to challenge myself and to learn. So, while the Matrix world of virtual reality consistently reinforces the utter horror of how bad things can be - they ain't that here. Not by a long shot. So we've been unplugging from it more and more. Finding strategies for staying informed and on top of things - without permitting our states of consciousness to be overrun with messages of despair, futility, and ultimate inescapable doom. That's been absolutely wonderful for keeping us focused and motivated. Productive. Work IS good for the soul. The old adage about Idle Hands comes to mind.

Hard times come... and hard times go. And people survive everything - including dark ages. People might be nicer or happier (genuinely) if we all learned to stop self-sabotaging our selves, every other turn. Tend our own gardens and not make so many things "our business". Think how much time we spend or waste - having/expressing opinions on things that are not our actual business. Doesn't mean we don't care about people - but everyone has to row their own boat for civilization to "work" out. No one else can actually do it for us.

Hopalong:
Acknowledgement is everything. That inner dialogue with little Amber was powerful. I've had a similar experience with my inner child (the day I literally saw and interacted directly with her in a self-hypnosis daydream) --acknowledged and apologized from my core to her: "I'm so sorry you've been so sad, and I will never leave you alone again". And the next moment (I've described it here before) changed my life at a spiritual level: I actually felt her arms come up around my neck and rest on my shoulders. In that moment on my sofa, I felt gentle pressure on my shoulders.

Blew my mind and confirmed the reality of our inner child for good for me. I'm really glad you're connecting with her at this time. You're also doing an outstanding job as an adult taking care of her -- the core self care.

I hear you about "virtual reality" but tend to feel being plugged in is necessary for me. I do believe the state of the country is my business because I love it. I refuse to let go and watch it fall. Even opinions -- mine aren't prescient but they're heartfelt and mostly fact based. I recognize a tilt or slant in several of the mainstream sources I generally trust, but also know that doesn't eliminate their capacity to also reveal and reinforce facts and truth. The fourth estate is essential to the survival of democracy, and I can walk and chew gum at the same time. I believe that unexamined cultural myths and irrational conspiracies and most of all, deep cynicism about journalism, are destructive. So I opine away...sometimes publicly, other times with people who disagree and challenge me, or with others who agree but could use encouragement to say what they think.

But I avoid pointless argument, not cut from that cloth.

I think you sound really grounded, Amber, and your perspective on dark times is a valuable one. Thanks for sharing your positive belief in humanity, it's a wonderful reminder. Rev. Warnock was very eloquent in a recent interview about how he/they kept doing the work, and how John Lewis got himself to keep stepping forward regardless of what faced him on the other side of the Edmund Pettis bridge.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Amber:

B arrives Friday.  YAY. 

Right?

I forget if you gave details or dates for surgery.... is he coming in for surgery?  Is that next week?

Hops:  I've felt powerful shifts too...... inner work can chage EVERYTHING and make it something new and uplifting..... process it OUT of our limbic systems.....make it right and put it away... put it down for good...... just amazing.  I don't remember you sharing that story about your mother and feeling the pressure on your shoulders, but I'm so glad to read it now.  Thank you for sharing that.

Lighter

Hopalong:
You're welcome, Light.
It wasn't my mother, but my own inner child I "met" that day.

I literally bent down and looked into my own 5 y/o face, saw the soft brown curls of her hair, saw my own hazel child-eyes looking into mine, knew the shape of my own face, saw and felt my child-self's deep sadness and loneliness. I was adult me in the moment, bending down in her cheery yellow room, looking into "her" face. Then I said that heartfelt apology and promise, and that's when she reached up and put her arms around my neck.

For one second I physically felt her soft arms rest on my shoulders. That touch brought me "back to" where I was sitting on my LR couch. To the present. Changed forever by how real she was/is.

I need to remember that moment, feel my gratitude for that event, and acknowledge and be tender toward her, much more intentionally and often. If I ever think I have no guiding light, I do -- she's it. She was completely pure, innocent, and open and she deserves/d all the care and protection she needs, forever.

hugs
Hops

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