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Thanksgiving

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Meh:

So, I guess I feel like writing this out. Maybe it will only be a sentence I don't know.

My father texted me and wants to drive over and visit me at Thanksgiving.

I haven't seen him in over twenty years now. Frankly I rarely think about him now.

When I was younger I had decided to stop contact with him. I think my mother gave him my phone number and that's how he got to texting or something. He still keeps in touch with my alcoholic bitch of a mother even though he technically appeared to hate her at least that is what I recall from my childhood and their divorce.

After I quit contact with my father I started feeling more emotionally stable. Less ups and downs. I've got my own problems. Being around my parents makes me feel unwell emotionally, both of them.

Whether they've got 'narcissism' or not, I can at least say that I believe they are emotionally sick people. Saying someone is psychologically sick seems kind of controversial somehow especially when they've never been diagnosed with anything.

It sure would be interesting if people could diagnose a family system. But to call it a family is to mischaracterize what they are I think.

I say this over and over and it sounds dumb but I will say it again. My parents didn't teach me how to ride a bike, they didn't teach me how to swim. They did not want to. They did not care. It's not that I'm dwelling on it. It's just I don't remember having good memories of them. When I think about them I just feel sad and unwell. That is the general feeling I get.

When my father texted me and said he wanted to visit, I thought in my head what that might look like. I thought about how I would have to vacuum and clean the bathroom and whatnot. And then I remembered how I just feel uneasy. I remember how I can't have a real conversation with him. He acts like we have a relationship after 20 years of not seeing each other. This fucker is not part of my life. I don't like him.

It would be nice to have a Thanksgiving but I'm not going to bother as I'm not even going to see anybody.

When my brother died I had a conversation with my father on the phone and it was strange. My father decided to tell me that my brother had hemorrhoids. Something about that, well it's not just like a lack of emotional intelligence there is something inappropriate about it. My father had also told me something bloody about my brother's intravenous drug use. I'm just not sure why my father took that moment to talk about those things. Like there was just a lack of normalcy. A lack of real emotion, awareness or something. He wanted to tell me some stories of 'gross things' it even makes me wonder like is this dude somewhat schizophrenic or why the tone-deaf interest in gross stuff.

Once I met someone who talked about anus things almost constantly not sure what that was about. I got the impression it was  on the line of schizophrenia. I'm not a psychologist so I don't quite get it.

Anyhow I still don't want my father in my life. That's not someone I want to hang out with on Thanksgiving. There is just something emotionally deranged about him I think.

Who knows. Long time ago I had had enough. Children have to just put up with shit. Children have to put up with their parents  maladaptive behavior... but then one day they are adults and I remember at that point in my life I had decided I needed distance from my relatives.

Will I regret not seeing my father when he dies. Why should I feel sentimental about it. It's like I feel pressured to believe there were some kind of fond memories of my childhood but there weren't.

My parents were aloof.
My parents didn't care very much about how I was doing in school.
My parents didn't seem to care or think about how disruptive the whole divorce thing was. I moved more times than I can count maybe twenty times I don't know.
My father always would say "she's strong" or "she's tough" about me. Totally oblivious to the fact that I might actually be impacted.

Both of my parents seemed to view me as an object with no emotional life.

I can't think about my father without thinking about negative things.

If there was one overwhelming way I would describe him it would just be a kind of aloofness. Frankly he ignored me most of the time. Not because he had some kind of important busy job and was away. He just plain ignored me.

My parents were very weird people. I rarely reflect on this stuff anymore. Have settled into just viewing them as screwed up assholes.

There is no fixing this. Seeing this person at Thanksgiving would be some kind of uncomfortable charade.

I could do many other things. I could watch a movie.

Meh:

Do you know that after all this time he doesn't seem to get it. Like there has been no self reflection on his part. I get the sense that he probably can't tolerate any criticism like he can't even self-criticism his own behaviour or past or what not. Like he doesn't care. He has no regrets. He doesn't see anything wrong with the lack of parenting in the past.

Now I'm old. Why would I even reflect on my parents parenting they are so old now. It seems almost inappropriate for me to even think about it, talk about it, type about it.

It's just I am left feeling like these people are living a reality that is not the one I live in. How can a sane person be so oblivious.

How can a normal sane person go twenty years not in contact with someone and act like it's for no reason. How can they not self-reflect. If anything he is probably just resentful. 

I don't know what is wrong with him. All I know is my parents were a curse. I didn't get help with school or school work we never went on family trips or vacations. I mean I just don't want to think about it.

It will do me no good to think about it. It will also do me no good to pretend like everything is okay.

Probably I had an emotional break down of sorts when I was younger. In fact I probably had numerous emotional breakdowns.

Meh:

I don't want to write here. I don't want to spend time thinking about what possible psychiatric disorders my father has and in a way by calling it a legit mental problem it makes it seem like he is getting a free pass. He is entirely apathetic to other people's needs. He contacts people when he wants something.

Does he have avoidant personality disorder?
Is he a covert narcissist?
Is he on the autism spectrum?

I have no idea. I am not qualified to diagnose people.

What is interesting is my aunt always like to insinuate how by brother and I turned out as "screwed-up" but of course magically my alcoholic narcissist mother was always viewed by relatives as though she was a saint. They even called her "a saint." Oh well, they will all get old and die every last one of them. My aunt just had a heart attack a few weeks ago and my mother made a point of making me listen to her talk about it.

You know what I don't give a shit if my aunt has a heart attack. Another person who is not a part of my life.

I couldn't care less if my aunt had a heart attack and fell head first into a turkey carcass. Yep inappropriate it's the truth though.

Happy Holidays I guess. 

Meh:

so, I've not seen my father in probably 20 years, this is going to be a run-on sentence, he triangulates with my mother still after all these years nothing at all has changed behavior wise, awareness wise

today, he sent me a text message with a photo of some sentimental objects he has kept, he did this same thing last week, he sent me some photos of things, things which are not sentimental to me and I've got no space to store it, the last thing I need is to throw some old things into boxes and then pay for it to sit in a storage unit, things that I can't use and that I haven't thought about, things that have no monetary value, do I sound awful well maybe, but he started texting me out of the blue expecting that I would want his old stuff, his collected treasures that are useless and worthless, life is harsh, if something isn't useful it's just clutter.

last week I politely sent a short text back to him that I didn't have space for it, didn't want it, didn't collect trinkets, LAST week after I replied to him, he continued with the same behavior that same day sending me more photos of stuff and so I ignored the similar texts since he wasn't interacting with what I had said he just kept doing what he wanted to do regardless of my response

this is something that bothers me, the lack of acknowledgement of what I said and why I said it, growing up I was probably like a ghost with no will, no feelings, just a cardbord silhouette in someone else's movie... maybe it sounds like I am making a big deal over nothing BUT I already hit my emotional threshold twenty years ago 

now, it's the following week and he had started up out of the blue doing the same thing, sending me messages of photos as if I want his old stuff, I referred back to my earlier text message where I told him I didn't want it and I didn't have space for it, but this time I bluntly told him to put it in the garbage if he doesn't want it... and then he didn't respond, he could say "I understand you don't have storage space" he could say a lot of things, but he goes from he is doing his thing which he turns into a game to doing the silent treatment when he doesn't get the TYPE and style of interaction he wanted

his mother, my grandmother, she collected stuff like porcelain dolls and lots of dishes, my grandmother's little home was uncomfortably claustrophobic with a lot of dumb collectables, when she died my father called the Goodwill and had them come collect pretty much everything because in the end that stuff doesn't have much value 

stuff, space, sentimental things are a bit of a sore topic in general to me anyhow, I usually have lame rental situations or some variation of housing that doesn't feel like home or permanent so even MY OWN things I've learned to get less attached to almost everything

the concept of being sentimental over any relative's stuff also doesn't sit well with me, it's like I am supposed to suspend my own experience and enter into someone else's sentimental life... my father still talks(texts) to me as though I am younger than my actual age, another thing that has always seemed true for both of my parents is they make up some deranged fantasy and infantilization is part of that

I quit having regular conversations with him when he did a major "discard" like he has done to me as a child before, I quit talking to him when I was younger and I started to feel somewhat more emotionally stable

it's the FULL continuation of a life-long experience of having these people NOT LISTENING, NOT UNDERSTANDING, NOT CARING, totally ignoring me while they are insisting on interacting with me, and it bothers me because that is part of how they have always interacted, it's one-sided, it's all about their headspace at the moment, there is that thing where they see everybody and the whole world as an extension of them, there is also a cluelessness, clueless because I have my own personal storage issues and on-going decluttering and minimizing of stuff I do in my life, IF we had an actual relationship then he would know things about my life such as how I don't store a lot of extraneous stuff... yes it seems unimportant but he has also never onnce acknowledged any part of the "discards" that he does

my childhood had an emotional toll on me otherwise I would not be writing this out, I do not like my father, not because he is an imperfect person, I don't like him because between him and my mother my childhood was very sad and I had no control over that whatsoever as a child, and also they didn't care, they were oblivious to it, they were emotionally-BLIND, emotionally-deaf.. and they made up excuses if the topic of how my parents were dealing with their divorce or related things like moving house ever came up in conversations with friends of the family, his response was to tell people that as a kid I was always "tough" ... "she's strong, she's tough"... he was dismissive, my parents were and still are emotional retards, excuse my language I guess

he was always clueless, he is strange and I don't really want to spend much more time thinking about it really

 sorry but I really don't like my father and I am tired of how narcissists ignore important events and details, and then focus on stupid things that are ultimately inconsequential

because the patterns never change I know that he is now offended, insulted, he is a victim now

I don't have great memories, so why would I want plastic trinkets? I don't like to think about the past. Perhaps he has been spending quite a lot of time thinking about the past and through his delusional facade. He doesn't have close relationships. He mentions his sister who lives on the otherside of the country (my aunt) and my aunt's husband as though they're all close family. I bet he hasn't seen them in over ten years.

I also don't have close friends or family but at least I don't lie to myself about it and pretend that I do.

I think it's sad that his life is what it is. My life isn't any better though.

Gawd, do I have to follow up this post with articles about being discarded by narcissists in order to justify this post to myself... to reassure myself? That I have a right to my own feelings. That feeling sad and upset all the time in relation to my family was because something was wrong with THEM... ? 

Meh:

I'm old now.

I've come to the point where I actually believe my mother wanted my brother and myself dead. That's probably hard for people to believe or understand. What are narcissists doing though besides trying to make their inconvenient children invisible. My mother has also let out some Freudian slip type statements where she admits to doing intentional neglect and how she perceives "love" as others not having any needs whatsoever.   


Do I really have to say to my father, as if it's not obvious like stepping into a huge pile of stinking dog poo, do I really have to say to him:

"dude you screwed up, give up, just stop, you aren't improving anything, nothing is getting better"

shrug

I don't feel like an adult in typing this. I feel more like a teenager. I shouldn't have these kinds of relationships with my parents. I really shouldn't have any kind of communications with them at all in some kind of ideal world where I was "fixed" with therapy. But I am probably just as retarded and screwed up as they are.

The only thing I can say is at least I didn't have kids I guess. I didn't bequeath the damage on to yet another generation of unhappy, unlucky people.

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