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Thanksgiving

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Meh:

-- for my birthday my mother gave me some cans of tuna, she is always so thoughtful like that, she knows how to give a gift that is worse than receiving nothing at all

-- she then said she wanted to do something like go out for lunch which I didn't want to do anyhow, and then of course she "forgot" about it because she had another appointment that day, her idea of going out to lunch was just a fake expectation she put on herself to pretend like she gives a shit when she doesn't, she of course is sure to tell me about everybody else she spends time with and she tells me about the color of their bathroom floors because of course I need to know that (I really don't need to know the color of the bathroom floors of her random friends) she shoves her cellphone in my face awkwardly to show me photos of stuff so she can ramble on about something happening in someone's life, somebody I don't even know, and while she is rambling about someone I don't know she will stare into space not making any sort of eye contact with me 

Oh, and if we had gone out for lunch it would have meant she likely end up saying something like "I'll wait in the car while you get your food"..."can't you get it to go?" ... and the entire time she would be wanting to go home so she can drink alcohol even though it was her idea, she would say she was tired, she would say she wasn't hungry, she would look at her cell phone, she would do anything and everything except having a nice lunch and actually talk to me, but of course at this point in my life I don't want to talk to her after years of this kind of stuff 

they're getting old, so at some point I expect they might end up in nursing homes, yes I am that old & they are that old, and yes this stuff continues forever and they never change

and I don't want to talk about them anymore, I really don't, though on occasion, maybe it's worthwhile writing stuff out

Meh:

feeling tired, it's late-ish here, & also I repeat the same types of things

Meh:

I don't have to explain myself right?!

My parents were great and not being able to resolve anything. They couldn't parent. They were apathetic, they were incompetent.

Also, they did disgarding of sorts, in fact it was practically a parenting style. I moved a lot. I had no choice over moving, half the time I didn't really understand how unstable my family was, it just was.

If one of the two couldn't deal with something they would threaten to "ship" me to the other parent. It wasn't always just a threat. In any case. All of the stuff they did collectively became too much. I think I was anorexic at one point looking back at a photo of myself I noticed it. My mother didn't notice it. My mother wouldn't notice if a person's foot was missing or rather she wouldn't care.

and here I am constantly repeating myself, because my father has to text me... and then I have to justify and try to explain why I just feel uneasy and why I go into a long psycho-babble OCD style rant about everything, like really none of this is healthy

my parents must have been attracted to eachother like flies are attracted to rancid things, seeing in eachother some kind of emotionally sick mirror state of themselves, I don't know but I wish they hadn't found each other, I would really rather not be stuck writing about them, I have nothing happy to say about them

my parents make me feel mentally unwell

I know I am not supposed to say "so and so makes me feel X"... though they do.

They've been an absolute curse and it's just unlucky that I am who I am, that is all there is to it.

I don't win if I talk to them, I don't win if I don't talk to them. It's pure unhappy dysfunction.

Meh:

https://www.parentingforbrain.com/family-estrangement/#:~:text=What%20is%20family%20estrangement,estrangements%20between%20parents%20also%20exist.

Meh:
Now, today I am still reading about narcissism as though reading about it is going to DO anything whatsoever.

And I also know my father is offended. I have offended him. (ME) I am the one who has insulted HIM. I've treated him badly. I am being unfair. I am the one who is being cold. I know this is what is going on in his mind because that is the pattern. Whatever HE does, I am expected to GO ALONG with it, play along with all of it, I am meant to ACT out a ROLE for HIM. He can reminisce about the past and I am supposed to have THE SAME memories that he has. I'm supposed to feel the exact same way he feels about the past. I am suppose to care about the stuff he cares about. I am suppose to see everything the way he sees it. AND if I don't confirm HIS view of everything HE can't cope with it.

He can be in whatever world he wants to be in. I just don't feel like going along with any of it. If I don't passively go along with  every single thing he believes and thinks that offends him.

I don't think it's healthy.

Why would I want a relationship with this person.

It's not my job to "change" him. He just is who he is and that is his business.

Parents use their children because children have no real say. Kids are there just to confirm the adult's world and point of view and feelings and experiences.

Not sure why but my father often called me his sister's name. I figure it's part of how they are rehearsing an ingrained routine.

Maybe I went from being passive to hyper-critical. It's just that after years of feeling like something was off and unhealthy about my relatives, and years of them acting like nothing is wrong and they can do anything they want to, I've come to over-analyze everything. But they are PREDICTABLE. The analyzing isn't inaccurate. They do the same shit.

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