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'23 - The Adventure Continues ;)

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sKePTiKal:
I remember 1971 & '72, as grueling years. Yeah, it was high school - but outside of school, life was pretty bleak & dreary; politics an absolute shitshow; a gas shortage & deep recession. But in 1973, things started to mellow out - cheer up a little bit. National mood-wise. Maybe that was a cycle that will repeat, all these decades later? I don't think I'm actually HOPING that's the case, but I see a sliver of possibility that it could happen - instead of dire & doomy predictions all around us. OR, perhaps the mood will lift because if the doom-predictions become a reality, at least THEN, there will be more things in the control of individuals again, to manage and arrange their lives.

I dunno.

But it's that time of year when I hop on the mental/imaginary cosmic visionary flight way outside of the mundane to TRY to see as objectively as I can just WTH is going on right now, what consequences these actions are likely to produce, and to assess where, in & amongst all that, I can continue creating a life in this existence. And that's where "the list" of projects comes from.

I mentioned on CB's checkin thread that B now has the appt for part 2 of his pain mask. Since '94, he's had multiples of this "mask", with varying lifespans. Battery technology is better now, so the stimulator (for his spinal nerves) is expected to last 10 yrs, instead of 4. For the last 7 years - he's muddled through without ANY of it, due to bureaucratic snafus/glitches and what constitutes medical negligence or malpractice (IMO) at the other end. But a lot of his frustration there is due to an association of the pain itself (which, unmanaged, is out of his control) with the recent "modernization" of healthcare/insurance utilizing many many digital/telephonic "gatekeepers" and people who never see or speak to the doctors themselves. Which association, means that the simple process of seeking & receiving treatment, feels out of his control to him. It just dawned on me a couple days ago, that this association was a real thing he experiences. I wonder if pain management docs KNOW THIS?

The bio-neuro connection with pain is common knowledge. That's the reason "pain" is subjective; everyone feels it differently. But add in the further psychological neurology... and that seems to be out beyond the knowledgebase of the doc's experience. Curiosity - along with finding the "sweet spot" for B's wellbeing (yeah, a lot of this is his participation) - is fueling some cross-referencing research.

The medicinal herbal stuff is big on my "list" right now; focusing on the growing part of it -  and dabbling in the application of them, as indicated/needed. We're possibly going to change the garden location; discussion continues.
Making things - sewing, possibly some furniture design/building - is also on the list; but it's an "as life allows" priority.

Business stuff is the main "project of the day", with taxes being prepared (and that's always a shell game, guessing game as to how much that's going to cost), choosing a new bank for most of our financial business, and beginning to talk about and design a succession plan.  My bro's kids are 20 years younger than Hol, so there's a disparity in maturity levels & experience there. I'm hoping to kick that project off this spring. No idea how much my bro actually understands or has explained to his kids... or what they actually want (at this moment in time) for themselves. I'm not looking forward to the travel involved; but I did want to take B through Amish country.

Hol & I have worked through issues (both personal & interpersonal) and are at a pretty cozy plateau. She & S seem to have found more common ground also and he's finally feeling secure enough to open up more. This year, he bought her the 8 Hannukah presents and she was pleasantly delighted. And he participated more actively as host, during her party last weekend. He's even speaking to B! Who projects "grumpapotamus old man" to keep annoying people at a distance, and it's starting to work NOT in his favor. He is making efforts to get to know the people who are around here though.

Amber is..... just letting things change, be different. And having fun in the process. Expectations have been traded in for discovery & exploration; a bit more openness - even tho I still cherish my privacy nature a lot. Quiet time is still very much needed. But that's balanced now with a lot more energy & activity.

I don't have to have detailed blueprints prior to going out & just "doing" or "being".

So, it's all one big WHEEEEEEEEEEE! right now.

:D

sKePTiKal:
I am pondering how quickly interpersonal relations can go from relatively smooth to everyone feeling they've been wronged somehow. Part of it involves exact words used - and then individual's perception of some motive or subtext behind that word greater than the meaning intended. Sensitivity seems to lead people to take personal offense sometimes.

B found someone selling a couple of 10 yr old 4-wheelers, that had sat out a couple years and weren't running. He's worked on these a long time and has a lot of spare parts already. I wasn't sure I wanted to spend the money (and his time) so I asked Hol if she and S were interested in one, if they weren't in too bad shape. S agreed immediately. These are economical on gas and with this much property, they're great for getting around. B even pulls my trailer with the side by side Ranger.k

We set a day to go look, went to the bank, and made the drive - a couple hours. The jeep I bought doesn't have a lot of oomph up hills and on the highway, it was getting nerve-wracking with all the big trucks. So, I got off a town shy of our destination for the two-lane that parallels the highway. Found a lovely 50s diner with excellent food - and jukeboxes! - for lunch. Then, we got lost because my dowloaded directions were as outdated as my knowledge of that city (like, things change a LOT in 30 years)... but finally made it to farm field to check them out. Surrounding by cows and new calves... cuties! We negotiated a lower price; he agreed and B & I loaded the trailer.

Drove the 2 lane more of the way home, rather than the highway because it was getting on toward rush hour and I wanted B to see that this other road wasn't all that deserted.  All in all, a fun day out, right?

Well, S took a look at them the next morning and mentioned to Hol which one he liked (only 1 is 4x4). And he is correct, that one is better for their purposes. But B has the same purposes! ;D  And then, since he was in a grumpy mood to start with, that resulted in him spending the day in the shop and not saying much to either me or Hol. Hol took the silence to mean he was angry about something (he was; but not anything concerning her)... and then that turned into a whole cluster misunderstanding.

All because people took things too personally and viewed it ONLY thru their personal perceptual "translators".

I don't know if that makes sense to y'all; if you know what I'm talking about. But I have seen this dynamic before in groups of people that spend a greater amount of time working & living in close proximity. It's still easier to resolve & move on from this kind of thing in the small group than it is out in the "wider world". Out there, these kinds of misunderstanding take on a life of it's own and get exaggerated and become weaponized against whole groups of people.

SIGH. Humans haven't really evolved much, have we?

Hopalong:
SO much going on for you right now, Amber.
Between B, the kids, the mountain, the projects, and the company changes...OY.
It's just sounding like a LOT a LOT a LOT.

Hope the self-care will be steady and you'll see you can't manage it all. Dunno if it'll be WHEE any time soon, but you sound as though you're looking for the right perspective on things, and mainly finding it.

I loved your perception about pain and the system, and how the anticipation of the gatekeeping is actually part of B's pain. That makes total sense to me. Very smart.

I dunno if most people get their heads up in the fire tower and see things from a bigger picture perspective as readily as you can. It must be frustrating to feel alone up there. But if it comforts you to take the satellite view, then it's helpful.

I am more earthworm perspective these days. Just hoping when the hoe-chop finally comes, part of me will wiggle off to a pleasant new clod.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I am still finding WHEE... where I can Hops. Like every phase in life - this too shall pass. Things change, never were in our control (and we make ourselves miserable TRYING to control the uncontrollable)... and yes, getting far enough away to see a bigger picture helps me.

I abruptly stopped reading some total schlock (I've been hiding out there for years now) and grabbed a couple of Cormac McCarthy books; 2 part series. "The  Passenger" and "Stella Maris". I think these are more recent than his works I've read. Definitely more challenging. I'm still on the first book, and the only description I can give is that it reminds me of James Joyce - Ulysses. Plot-wise, there's a brother who's survived his beloved sister and isn't functioning too well, out in life. The sister was institutionalized (self-committed, I believe) and there are clues that both siblings are geniuses, but schizophrenic also. (The tendency for artists to be slightly mad is pretty well known so I'm wondering if this isn't a bit autobiographical.)

I USED to read a much higher level of fiction, on a regular basis way back when. BT - before therapy. When I was still on a quest for "answers". I was looking for clues and would analyze every breadcrumb I encountered. There USED to be a lot more of it maybe, or perhaps since that was what I was looking for - I found more of it. Anyway, it's probably been 20 years since I let myself enter the world of an author who is "difficult", in one way or another. Cormac is pretty bleak. Even "All the Pretty Horses" - with the gorgeous painted descriptives of the Rocky Mtn. landscape - was a bleak story. He wrote the post-apocalyptic book "The Road", too. THAT is a hard movie to watch; coincidentally Hol's boss was special effects on the movie version and met Cormac. The impression left, was that Cormac constantly thought he was smarter and better than everyone else. But I see more self-judgement/dislike coming through in some of the writing.

I'd have to get out my oxford dictionary, to look up some of the unusual words that get gratutitously strewn through the dialogue and narrative. I read mostly in bed and am NOT getting up to look up a word... so I just read the "sense" of the word, as it's used. The man seems obsessed with obscure language - as if he's trying to earn a merit badge. Or maybe that level of obsession is part of how his brain is mis-wired. I dunno.

But, it's interesting to see that I'm less susceptible to his bleakness, nowadays. It's "other" even as intimitely I engage his writing. The inquiry and search for answers of the main character, as I read, is generating some bizarre dreams for me... and I'm mostly understanding them, as my subconscious still processing some of the experiences I've lived and the relational, emotional side of things. There aren't any important "messages" for my conscious self in them. No revealed "wisdom" or insights. So, just acknowledging and letting them go.

This year, this is my winter "hibernation". Meanwhile, I'm starting this new relationship in the full "reality" (avoiding fantasy to the best of my ability) and helping Hol understand some of what middle-aged is like and teaching her some of what she'll need to know when it's her turn to guide the business. Yeah, I got my herb seeds & plants ordered too. Didn't need many veggies, I have a goodly inventory. B and I have been discussing orchard & berries - and planting plans. I'm also playing around again with a living room revamp; it's just a couple major pieces - carpet & sofa - but there isn't anything wrong with the old ones except wear & tear from dogs, cats & kids. But my choices are "meh"; nothing exciting, even though a thick wool red rug is definitely going to make a statement.

Looks like we're going to have a warmer February and then, March is going to bring surprises. So I've got a few weeks  to struggle through the tech glitches involved in me filing my taxes this year. (And that's another tale for another day.)

lighter:
So....Amber....does S believe the 4x4 should go to him, instead of the person who found the deal, pulled the trigger, loaded, transported and carried out the repair on these items?

Personally, I think repairing and selling the non 4x4, to offset the expense of the 4x4 resolves the issue.

S can find and do his own deal if he wants something specific.  He should have a 4x4.  I agree. Just no B's.

I hope things resolve and you're prepped for Spring on time.

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