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'23 - The Adventure Continues ;)

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lighter:
Amber:

I hope the delayed surgery goes forward with the best possible outcome. Lord knows, it's years overdo.

I don't know what you can change in this equation.  Maybe, consider a Go Fund page, sooner than later,  to fill the known gaps you're encountering.

B has a long road.....one surgery won't be the end of his needs.....drug refills....whatever comes next shouldn't depend on the VA decision makers, imo.

Sorry to hear Hol's suffering.  I hope she figures it out soon.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
No financial issues, Lighter - thankfully.
But, you know how much groceries have gone up - and he will only eat certain things, but expects her to pay for everything. He's worked a lot, but there hasn't been any work for Hol since last year. (And for her, this is a separate issue; she doesn't do well in an unstructured environment.) And without his assistance, one person can't do all the things on her project list. It's just physically impossible. And our offered help has been rejected.

This has been building over a couple, three years. I've listened to the complaints repeatedly - alternatiing with the "compassion and tolerance" for "who he is" excuses, too, whenever the decision she's faced with is concisely presented to her. But, again... she seems to be shifting the responsibility for the decision to him instead of accepting that she has the agency to choose, all by herself. (Maybe that's behind her idea that she has abandonment issues??)

But just because a person may have (or may using the implication that they have to manipulate) underlying unspoken about, untreated and unresolved trauma or "issues"... to me, it seems possible to release said person kindly - simply because one can't live that way. Reciprocity seems to be a concept from a foreign universe to him.  She CAN choose to simply not allow any partner into her life... without becoming some monster. (see: women talking movie)

Maybe that's a skill I picked up when I couldn't tolerate being, feeling totally alone within the circle of a relationship. Dunno. I don't think it's something "special". It was a choice I made about my life and it took effort, work and a bit of luck. And it still wasn't perfect.

But, respect and loyalty, IMO are still the basic building blocks of "love". As a society or culture, I think we've seldom done a great job at teaching this to kids. We all have stories of how we were fooled, let our own feelings blind us to the reality, etc.

She's a smart kid; creative too. She'll figure it out.

Hopalong:
I couldn't tolerate being, feeling totally alone within the circle of a relationship.

I understand this, and have so admired how you made that choice, Amber. I stayed with M too long partly because of fear of not having resources for a safe future. The internal pressure to leave just got stronger than that fear (which I still live with, but without any regret on that relationship decision). Comes a point we all look in the mirror and recognize what we can live with and what we can't. Or can and won't, rather.

My fierce refusal to be that controlled won't comfort me, when illness and death approach. Especially since I have zero family or person in my life who'll be there for sure. It's been the loneliest and hardest thing to face but I'm doing all I can do hold it close and decide that I can (repeatedly) make peace with reality. This is the price of admission to a life with dignity and reciprocity. If either is under assault, game over. Dignity may be out of my control one day, but I can still make hard choices.

I hope Hol doesn't spend decades trying to realize (in both senses -- make real) her own worth. She's lucky you love her and support her regardless of how stuck she gets. Very lucky.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Oh, from what we talked about last night - she gets it. A couple days alone, a slower pace of cleaning up - and a coincidental connection refresh with an old friend of hers, helped. She has another old friend, that even lives close (a surprise), to go blow steam off with.

Seems this latest blowup between her & S, in the lingering existential ripples of the fire... catapulted her inner work in some surprising directions. She HAS to verbally express things before she begins the real life work, and that's done and polished now. So, we'll see what happens. I'm hoping that I can keep some distance from her for a stretch of time. She is driving us in DC traffic to B's surgical appt. next Friday. Assuming his bureaucratic snafu is untangled.

But, things are still going forward around here on spring chores. Still.

Hopalong:
How is B?
How is Hol?

How are YOU?

hugs
Hops

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