Well, it's been almost a month and at yesterday's post-op follow up the Doc looked like he wondered why we were there. He's healed quickly, the stimulator is doing what it's intended to do - with minor adjustments, as needed. It's been 4-5 years since the stuff was completely removed due to the staph infection they gave him - then wouldn't treat. The few times he WAS able to get a high enough, long enough course of antibiotics was augmented with my herbal A/B tinctures.
We've been struggling along together during all that time to make the "plan come together". We're happy with the results now. It should NOT have been this difficult. And it wasn't the docs, throwing up obstacles or delays. It was the so-called "health insurance". It should be called "health roulette". Hol recently ran into the same meat grinder for some needed dental work.
B has been here since the first of the year, this time. Being together with him is STILL easy & cozy. There is a perceptible difference between us, in values/traditional backgrounds and his lived experience is pretty much all military but there is enough in common that we can relate & commiserate & laugh at, that we have our own "us" bubble. We can both tell just by looking at each other, how the other feels - even if it remains impossible to actually "feel" that.
One more week, then we set the plan for him to go back and get the next load. That "plan" is adapting, as time goes on, as to how quickly he's going to finish up - or be able to finish up - the work involved. He's not accepting help offered; still. I think it's 'coz he accepts the responsibility for cleaning out his "old life" before settling into the new one. He won't be gone long, because he needs to be here the beginning of June for the pump refill. But with the stimulator added to the pump's pain relief... he can do much more now. Faster, too.
I've noticed that when his "old life" jumps up and becomes an irritant, the pain levels jump too. There is a definite psych or neural pathway route side to all of this pain issue. I'm offering as much support as possible on that side of things and his perspective on that - the perception of the significance of the "irritant" - is shifting. Since I have a few things that do the very same thing to me, I'm sensitive to the reactions - even when he doesn't say anything.
Hol & S are still not a sure thing. Maybe it's just the different personalities/life experiences or lack thereof. Maybe it's her intense verbal & mental over-analyzing and tendency to mind-reading other people.... I dunno. That's her stuff to work through and figure out. Here lately, she seems to be asking for/demanding some magical knowledge from me that will make everything "ok" again. But I confess, I'm clueless what she needs. And after 45 years, I'm hoping to retire from the "mom business", ya know? And listening to her kvetch about him, isn't my idea of quality "girl time".
A giant problem for her, with him, is that he needs (or has said he needs) so much alone, disassociated time and he just isn't verbally communicative about what's going on with him - or why - for her to understand. So she resents being alone so much IN a so-called relationship. He relies on her to take care of the daily chores & make him comfortable.... and the reverse doesn't apply. Not even the chimney fire and her lingering angst over what DIDN'T happen, motivated him to help or hold her. She sees all this clearly.
Now, I KNOW y'all see this for what it is, just as clearly as B & I do. And despite me saying repeatedly that I just couldn't do that with anyone... she is locked into "not deciding" - going so far as to creativelly problemsolve to find a different way to live with him, even though he is the majority of all the extra work she's doing. The idea of "cutting your losses" just doesn't seem to exist for her. It's really frustrating to watch her go thru this. AGAIN. It took her 9 years to finally give up on the last relationship - even though she KNEW it was an impossible situation. It's like she sees it as "losing" some kind of struggle. Or not being smart enough or compassionate enough (ie, pretzeling herself to be "just right") for her frog to turn into a prince.
I'm not sure she realizes how much of herself - her SELF - she would regain, by losing this constant thorn in her life. Mayhap I'll try that tack in conversation when she's attempting to solicit some magical knowledge again. Planting seeds.
And I thought I was obsesssive. Jeez.
She has invited a group of her lady friends out for a Beltane weekend next week. I am included, but B will still be here and I'm loathe to leave him on his own so much just before he leaves again. She knows this. But I know a couple of these ladies, and they're good solid, practical sounding boards. Perhaps with ENOUGH validation of the feelings/unfairness in the reciprocity in her relationship... she'll be less afraid of making a decision. I dunno. I don't CARE what decision she makes... as long as she stops obsessing on trying to find a way to make it work all by herself.
It's all negative energy I don't need around here. And it's affecting more than her.
