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'23 - The Adventure Continues ;)

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Hopalong:
You're highly active, healthy and STRONG!

I so miss having a strong back. It's out again. Can't bend, lift, twist, kneel, etc. Just in time for gardening (not). Do have a neighbor who volunteered to plant.

Looking into a human-height fork or small hoe so I can keep it weeded. Hope hope.

Enjoy your mountain spring, Amber. I can't imagine how lovely it must be. Even the air...

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Physical labor in the sun, is what drains me. I slept at least 10 hrs after planting 18 brassicas and a short row of taters. Later, I arranged tables in the barn for my gro lights and seedlings. I don't participate in the race to produce the very first home grown tomato of the season - I want maters when the season ends.

Thinking I really want a root cellar. Called the contractor to discuss studio & deck renovations. Buddy that I bought the backhoe from is up for a couple weeks cause of some family funerals. Need to pick his brain for what might need fixed next. i hope he doesn't say tires; I just bought a new replacement top for my rubicon, which i've been driving till B fixes the transmission issues that the "new to me" old jeep has. Trailer has been getting a workout lately - B needed to lease/fill/swap welding gas bottles and they didn't have all the gases at one time. Hol is using it today to pick up a large dog kennel, for the new puppy she brought home yesterday.

New puppy is a female, half Irish Setter and Great Pyrenees. 6 months old. She wants to try to breed her with S' dog, a big chocolate lab - Beeb. Beeb and the new sweetie pie are getting along fine. Knuckles hasn't been introduced yet, because when she tried... (Knucks & new girl on leash)... Beeb acted out of character and became protective of her. So Knucks spent the night with us. They'll try introductions again today, sans Beeb.

New girl is bigger than Knuckles, but since he's solid muscle he outweighs her for now. As a Pyrenees cross, she may not get as heavy but she is definitely gonna be a big girl. I don't think he'll have any issues with her; the "issue" will be how Beeb tolerates Knucks with the female around. Care and training is all on Holly, because S is gone so much. She knew this, so in mom's presence there will be NO whining & complaining.

The reality of it is, it is gonna tie her down here even MORE than she already is. We'll see how that plays. And if they do get puppies, it's going to have to be her "side business". I can't imagine how much just the dog food will cost, much less the vet bills. I'm not sure she's actually mapped the business side of all this out yet. We'll see.

Buck is helping a LOT; and it's easier working with him than with Hol. We think more the same, see the same things, I think.  He got the garden all tilled up and is helping dig for transplanting a couple larger plants/shrubs. I have more bare root herbs coming in this month, I think. But I may have to call them on the credit card change. The stimulator is working well enough for him and he's regaining some weight, that he's been busy. Another followup on the 21st, then he'll run back to collect another load to move... fix some things on the house... get ready to permanently be here.

He's been here since early January and things are still cozy & comfortable & easy. We're both hardheaded - but it's about mostly different things and so we don't actually disagree about much. Mostly, it's that he thinks he should do someething FOR me, that I CAN and WANT to do, myself. "It's casual", as he would say. And no, we don't have long drawn out analytical discussions of our "relationship"; too busy just doing it and enjoying it.

There just ain't enough time in the day to worry ourselves over things that are a) none of our business and b) out of our control.

sKePTiKal:
Well, it's been almost a month and at yesterday's post-op follow up the Doc looked like he wondered why we were there. He's healed quickly, the stimulator is doing what it's intended to do - with minor adjustments, as needed. It's been 4-5 years since the stuff was completely removed due to the staph infection they gave him - then wouldn't treat. The few times he WAS able to get a high enough, long enough course of antibiotics was augmented with my herbal A/B tinctures.

We've been struggling along together during all that time to make the "plan come together". We're happy with the results now. It should NOT have been this difficult. And it wasn't the docs, throwing up obstacles or delays. It was the so-called "health insurance". It should be called "health roulette". Hol recently ran into the same meat grinder for some needed dental work.

B has been here since the first of the year, this time. Being together with him is STILL easy & cozy. There is a perceptible difference between us, in values/traditional backgrounds and his lived experience is pretty much all military but there is enough in common that we can relate & commiserate & laugh at, that we have our own "us" bubble. We can both tell just by looking at each other, how the other feels - even if it remains impossible to actually "feel" that.

One more week, then we set the plan for him to go back and get the next load. That "plan" is adapting, as time goes on, as to how quickly he's going to finish up - or be able to finish up - the work involved. He's not accepting help offered; still. I think it's 'coz he accepts the responsibility for cleaning out his "old life" before settling into the new one. He won't be gone long, because he needs to be here the beginning of June for the pump refill. But with the stimulator added to the pump's pain relief... he can do much more now. Faster, too.

I've noticed that when his "old life" jumps up and becomes an irritant, the pain levels jump too. There is a definite psych or neural pathway route side to all of this pain issue. I'm offering as much support as possible on that side of things and his perspective on that - the perception of the significance of the "irritant" - is shifting. Since I have a few things that do the very same thing to me, I'm sensitive to the reactions - even when he doesn't say anything.

Hol & S are still not a sure thing. Maybe it's just the different personalities/life experiences or lack thereof. Maybe it's her intense verbal & mental over-analyzing and tendency to mind-reading other people.... I dunno. That's her stuff to work through and figure out. Here lately, she seems to be asking for/demanding some magical knowledge from me that will make everything "ok" again. But I confess, I'm clueless what she needs. And after 45 years, I'm hoping to retire from the "mom business", ya know? And listening to her kvetch about him, isn't my idea of quality "girl time".

A giant problem for her, with him, is that he needs (or has said he needs) so much alone, disassociated time and he just isn't verbally communicative about what's going on with him - or why - for her to understand. So she resents being alone so much IN a so-called relationship. He relies on her to take care of the daily chores & make him comfortable.... and the reverse doesn't apply. Not even the chimney fire and her lingering angst over what DIDN'T happen, motivated him to help or hold her. She sees all this clearly.

Now, I KNOW y'all see this for what it is, just as clearly as B & I do. And despite me saying repeatedly that I just couldn't do that with anyone... she is locked into "not deciding" - going so far as to creativelly problemsolve to find a different way to live with him, even though he is the majority of all the extra work she's doing. The idea of "cutting your losses" just doesn't seem to exist for her. It's really frustrating to watch her go thru this. AGAIN. It took her 9 years to finally give up on the last relationship - even though she KNEW it was an impossible situation. It's like she sees it as "losing" some kind of struggle. Or not being smart enough or compassionate enough (ie, pretzeling herself to be "just right") for her frog to turn into a prince.

I'm not sure she realizes how much of herself - her SELF - she would regain, by losing this constant thorn in her life. Mayhap I'll try that tack in conversation when she's attempting to solicit some magical knowledge again. Planting seeds.

And I thought I was obsesssive. Jeez.

She has invited a group of her lady friends out for a Beltane weekend next week. I am included, but B will still be here and I'm loathe to leave him on his own so much just before he leaves again. She knows this. But I know a couple of these ladies, and they're good solid, practical sounding boards. Perhaps with ENOUGH validation of the feelings/unfairness in the reciprocity in her relationship... she'll be less afraid of making a decision. I dunno. I don't CARE what decision she makes... as long as she stops obsessing on trying to find a way to make it work all by herself.

It's all negative energy I don't need around here. And it's affecting more than her.

lighter:

Maybe Hol finds it difficult to let go of relationships and give up hope after investing so much time and energy....like the rest of us.

Maybe if you start putting boundaries in place for Hol..... around the things you talk wtih her about, things you allow her to go on and on about re: S...... about the negative things she focuses on...... she'll learn from you how to put her own boundaries in place with S and hold them.

I could be way off here.  Truthfully, I don't know if that is appropriate or useful,but it's what came up form me so I share.

It's glorious here after a thunderstorm last night.  Just green and lush and sunny. 

I'm treating all the Hemlocks for Wooly Adelgids this weekend.  Couldn't wish for better weather.

I hope B finishes moving his life to the farm soon.

That his pump is working well and not creating more problems seems like a dream finallly come true!

Lighter

Hopalong:
Wonder where Hol learned how to analyse folks? [grin]. I'm guessing this trait will ultimately help her. Sure hope so. I'm sorry it's just not working with self-absorbed S. Best case I can think of is that H gets a good therapist just for herself.

(I'd be a lousy parent in that regard. Worrying so much about my D broke me at one point and it's taken years to learn to breathe again. The pain still catches.) S sounds like a drag but at least not overtly abusive, thanking the universe for very small favors. I wonder if H fears loneliness most. Pretty hard to be alone-from-all-peers on a mountaintop, even if Mom's around. (In my case, with Nmom I felt MORE lonely.) It's also extra pressure on you. She might less innerly-resourceful, even as competent as she sounds. Partly because of her youth, but she has lots of time to make her own mistakes and learn what she will learn. It must be hard to watch, when you know what she COULD know if she only knew what you know! But they've got to learn first-hand, unfortunately. When we'd get in front of a train for them.

On the sunny side, it's so great to read that B's pain and infection are finally, finally under control. Almost unbelievable. Even better to hear that your instincts about him and y'all's compatibility are holding up too. Whew and congrats. What an amazing thing to have come into your life, Amber. You created the space and opened that door and he walked through. I'm really happy for you.

hugs
Hops

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