so, I've not seen my father in probably 20 years, this is going to be a run-on sentence, he triangulates with my mother still after all these years nothing at all has changed behavior wise, awareness wise
today, he sent me a text message with a photo of some sentimental objects he has kept, he did this same thing last week, he sent me some photos of things, things which are not sentimental to me and I've got no space to store it, the last thing I need is to throw some old things into boxes and then pay for it to sit in a storage unit, things that I can't use and that I haven't thought about, things that have no monetary value, do I sound awful well maybe, but he started texting me out of the blue expecting that I would want his old stuff, his collected treasures that are useless and worthless, life is harsh, if something isn't useful it's just clutter.
last week I politely sent a short text back to him that I didn't have space for it, didn't want it, didn't collect trinkets, LAST week after I replied to him, he continued with the same behavior that same day sending me more photos of stuff and so I ignored the similar texts since he wasn't interacting with what I had said he just kept doing what he wanted to do regardless of my response
this is something that bothers me, the lack of acknowledgement of what I said and why I said it, growing up I was probably like a ghost with no will, no feelings, just a cardbord silhouette in someone else's movie... maybe it sounds like I am making a big deal over nothing BUT I already hit my emotional threshold twenty years ago
now, it's the following week and he had started up out of the blue doing the same thing, sending me messages of photos as if I want his old stuff, I referred back to my earlier text message where I told him I didn't want it and I didn't have space for it, but this time I bluntly told him to put it in the garbage if he doesn't want it... and then he didn't respond, he could say "I understand you don't have storage space" he could say a lot of things, but he goes from he is doing his thing which he turns into a game to doing the silent treatment when he doesn't get the TYPE and style of interaction he wanted
his mother, my grandmother, she collected stuff like porcelain dolls and lots of dishes, my grandmother's little home was uncomfortably claustrophobic with a lot of dumb collectables, when she died my father called the Goodwill and had them come collect pretty much everything because in the end that stuff doesn't have much value
stuff, space, sentimental things are a bit of a sore topic in general to me anyhow, I usually have lame rental situations or some variation of housing that doesn't feel like home or permanent so even MY OWN things I've learned to get less attached to almost everything
the concept of being sentimental over any relative's stuff also doesn't sit well with me, it's like I am supposed to suspend my own experience and enter into someone else's sentimental life... my father still talks(texts) to me as though I am younger than my actual age, another thing that has always seemed true for both of my parents is they make up some deranged fantasy and infantilization is part of that
I quit having regular conversations with him when he did a major "discard" like he has done to me as a child before, I quit talking to him when I was younger and I started to feel somewhat more emotionally stable
it's the FULL continuation of a life-long experience of having these people NOT LISTENING, NOT UNDERSTANDING, NOT CARING, totally ignoring me while they are insisting on interacting with me, and it bothers me because that is part of how they have always interacted, it's one-sided, it's all about their headspace at the moment, there is that thing where they see everybody and the whole world as an extension of them, there is also a cluelessness, clueless because I have my own personal storage issues and on-going decluttering and minimizing of stuff I do in my life, IF we had an actual relationship then he would know things about my life such as how I don't store a lot of extraneous stuff... yes it seems unimportant but he has also never onnce acknowledged any part of the "discards" that he does
my childhood had an emotional toll on me otherwise I would not be writing this out, I do not like my father, not because he is an imperfect person, I don't like him because between him and my mother my childhood was very sad and I had no control over that whatsoever as a child, and also they didn't care, they were oblivious to it, they were emotionally-BLIND, emotionally-deaf.. and they made up excuses if the topic of how my parents were dealing with their divorce or related things like moving house ever came up in conversations with friends of the family, his response was to tell people that as a kid I was always "tough" ... "she's strong, she's tough"... he was dismissive, my parents were and still are emotional retards, excuse my language I guess
he was always clueless, he is strange and I don't really want to spend much more time thinking about it really
sorry but I really don't like my father and I am tired of how narcissists ignore important events and details, and then focus on stupid things that are ultimately inconsequential
because the patterns never change I know that he is now offended, insulted, he is a victim now
I don't have great memories, so why would I want plastic trinkets? I don't like to think about the past. Perhaps he has been spending quite a lot of time thinking about the past and through his delusional facade. He doesn't have close relationships. He mentions his sister who lives on the otherside of the country (my aunt) and my aunt's husband as though they're all close family. I bet he hasn't seen them in over ten years.
I also don't have close friends or family but at least I don't lie to myself about it and pretend that I do.
I think it's sad that his life is what it is. My life isn't any better though.
Gawd, do I have to follow up this post with articles about being discarded by narcissists in order to justify this post to myself... to reassure myself? That I have a right to my own feelings. That feeling sad and upset all the time in relation to my family was because something was wrong with THEM... ?
