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Captain's Log - 2024
sKePTiKal:
Yeah, I'm kinda late getting this started. My excuses are multitude! <wink>
I've been doing the rip van winkle thing again... literally sleeping a lot and not spending a lot of time thinking about much of anything. Reading trash novels, watching tv... Hol is going through some intense emotial whiplash stuff lately which has required a good bit of my participation in listening to her. It's not all about S either. But she did announce the other day, she's done sifting through all her old stuff with an agonizingly fine tooth comb.
Her solar system went on the fritz a few weeks ago. After finding and bringing in a tech that specializes in her equipment, getting the generator guy out TWICE... with no success getting the genny to power up her batteries... solar guy said have the propane company come out & check pressure in the lines & regulator. One regulator was replaced today & genny fired right up. She heats with wood so that wasn't a problem and during the days she got enough solar charge, that if she turned everything off at night - she had power in the morning to make coffee & get a shower. She is now a LOT more educated in system now! So much for avoiding power outages off-grid... LOL.
But that issue got her pretty unsettled and freaked out. I'm hearing a lot about her trying to down-regulate her emotional state lately. And like it or not, some of this may be hormonal dysregulation due to menopause.
B is still "on hold" with the docs, this time waiting on a referral to a urologist to prove he doesn't have prostate issues, before surgeon attempts to relocate stimulator leads. (Fingers crossed this possible! It's much less invasive than having this one removed and the normal spinal one implanted - IF that's even possible with a specialist surgeon and all his back issues.) He got set up for pump refills with home infusion - and his nurse is a real trip! Way too perky & chatty... but a real nice girl. Local even. She was out yesterday to program the pump bolus - a controller that will let him boost his normal dose up to 3 times a day, a specified amount. It was enough to last about 3-4 hours and then it just goes away. He's clearly feeling better today - and maybe some of that is being able to control the pain relief himself. At this point, the stimulator is turned off and will stay off due to the side effects - so I've been trying to find anything I can to help give him even 10 minutes of relief. Heating pad, capsaisin, and so far what's helping the most is a nerve tonic tincture. I've got a list of herbs to acquire for teas & tinctures and Hol had a lot of skullcap to share. I've got some growing too.
I don't know if he's staying until after his April appts or not. He hasn't said anything one way or the other.
I've been mudding drywall in the studio and sponging and putting the next layer on, etc. Purging a lot of the craft stuff I've stored for 20-30 years. Hol's friend Jess took some home for her little girl. I really have the urge to clear a LOT of stuff out right now, and need to when we start work on the ceiling so there's less to work around. I know we're building woodsheds this spring/summer and the driveway needs many trucks of gravel. But other than planting that's all I know of for new projects. Maybe a delivery drop box at the gate for UPS/FedEx... since they notified us of delays due to "impassible driveway". Funny - we got in/out just fine. <shrug>
I'm getting a first-hand education in the psych impacts of chronic pain. How it affects mood, drains away resilience and objectivity... so many aspects I can observe. But I almost never see him just give up. He has his normal household jobs and no matter what, he does those. When he's got the extra relief - he keeps going on the rest of the vehicles and projects. We've burned a lot of wood this winter. Didn't NEED to, but it is cozy and the heat helps with the relief.
Business stuff is going well and new Prez is beginning to think of what ELSE we could make with our machinery - while the retired Prez (who is the machining/computer design whiz) is working 3 days a week on updating some of our capabilities. He's always done custom, one-off designs for certain customers. New bookkeeper got a big raise & bonus the end of the year - she is doing a bang up job with the software and finding all kinds of ways to cut expenses too. We're going to have to start planning to replace equipment soon.
Kitties are well & keeping us highly entertained. B has bought himself a tool, with which to make "fun money" sharpening knives & scissors. It's also a good distraction from pain to focus like that. And he doesn't want to be completely dependent on me. The usual guy mentality.
So, it's been a quiet time around here and just not a lot to say. He and I are still learning the finer points about each other and when he feels better, I feel better too. It's difficult not being able to help much... and I miss the B that isn't completely focused on bearing up under the pain. It's been a long slog through "the system" with him - 6-7 years at least. But he's been doing this over 30 years. The plan is, once the stimulator is resolved - then we can find out what's going on with his Navy retirement pay. Get his move finished up, etc.
I take breaks from him, sometimes just to shift out of the space where everything hurts & depressingly takes so long to get "fixed". But we don't get on each other's nerves on a day to day basis or argue that much. Then, it's usually he doesn't need to do something all by himself - when Hol is bored to tears and needs something to do and wants to learn from him. Their work styles are total opposites. She charges in and gets at it; he knows he has to pace himself and thinks about things first almost as much as I do.
So this spring should go a little easier than the past couple years. It's been a lot of fun driving Rudi again! Almost 20 years old and still only 25K miles on him. He got new shorter shoes before the snow hit, too. Makes it easier for both of us getting in/out.
lighter:
That's a BIG update, Amber. Lots going on for you guys.
First, I want to say I'm impressed, as always, with how well you guys cope with B's ongoing pain. I have a high tolerance,but ongoing pain is a whole'nuther ballgame for me. I went a day without pain meds after 2nd C section.... that empty needle wiggling around in my spine was the worst part. A man of action, with that level of patience and restraint, is astonishing, IMO.
Second........ I'm glad you continue making time to decompress and remain/get back to level. That's a good thing. For you, Hol. B....kitties, the farm and doggies.
I had goosebumps when I read Hol's desire to stop sifting through her old issues and self regulate more efficiently. She's noticing what's going on in her internal world.... sounds like.... and she wants to feel better. Is she seeing a Therapist? I hope she will if she's open to it and sorry to read she's having so much trouble at her hut. Those kinds of mechanical things overwhelm me too. Right now there's no power in the front room at the island cottage.... and it's not in the electric panels. It's beyond me and feels like a HUGE unsolvable problem bc I don't know who I can call to resolve it. I do notice it's screwed up whether I fret or find my joy. Sounds like Hol's figuring that out too.
It's wonderful to read business is going well. I look forward to hearing what else you guys end up making with your equipment!
About your driveway being "impassable"..... I imagine delivery drivers sometimes end up stuck or take more time turning around bc they fear getting stuck and just can't or won't take the time/chance with all the driveways they have to drive in a day. I brought my Christmas tree up a mountain, to feed goats, yesterday and their drive was breaking off at the edges and muddy enough to challenge my Yukon..... it's been wet here. It made me nervous and what the heck is up with ZERO street signs in the mountains? Not to mention.... there's only room for 1 car to pass? What the heck to people do in the snow, when they can't see where the road drops off?!?!
The mail box at the end of the drive sounds good to me, in other words.
I hope your tonics and herbs continue helping B and maybe Hol, if you have something for her hormone shifts. This too shall pass.
Can't wait to hear about your garden and, of course, progress with health issues.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
For some time now, most of my "journal" posts have been about things & people in the external world. The projects, drama, observations... but that doesn't mean there hasn't been activity internally. That activity has simply been slow, quiet and very very gradual, with only glimpses of difference or change disconnected from the possibility of a narrative description.
So, lately, there's been a shift from "other focus" - back into some personal things that perhaps have lingered in a less affective dormant form while I made external changes. Dramatically illustrated by my dream-life, in fact. Intense, strange, symbolic stuff that - to conscious mind - comes out of the blue. But emotionally, they seem important in ways I don't see right now. Could just be the chile relleno I had for lunch, too.... shrug... but it sure doesn't feel that way.
First one, was situated in some kind of monastic or convent type estate. I was being pursued by something that I perceived was malevolent; harmful to me. Not a specific creature or being; more of a force of nature. I was wearing some midnight blue gown; no weapons; no outerwear to protect from the chilly wet night. I took a turn, at speed, running right into the arms of some tall but strong, maternal figure who wrapped me in a deep crimson cloak. Said to not be afraid that she/they would hide and protect me. /end scene
Well, that woke me up! No one currently in my life of that stature or gravitas. But I did get the sense of my old tai chi teacher. And nothing currently "threatening me" in my awake-life either. So I shook it off and went back to sleep.
Next dream continued the theme - the setting this time, was the home of an old, old acquaintaince from the 70s. Strong, solitary, maternal; retired professional figure skater - and she had performed some chunks of her own tai chi routine for us in real life. There were many people in her home; a communal situation; and I was trying to find some square feet upon which to claim "my space" and find a role within the greater, constantly changing crowd of people. In this dream, lots of people challenging my existence in that space at all - so struggle and conflict. And TEA. LOL.
Yeah, that one woke me up too. I hadn't thought of her in decades and I'm sure she passed on long ago. But again, there was the sense of being accepted into the protection of a secret group of "wise women". From some personal threat I am consciously unaware of. GO FIGURE.
Again, last night with the dreams... this time the old farmhouse we rented while I went to college. It still stands, Hol & I drove past it. The kitchen was original 1700s cabin (which I loved) and I was in my bedroom above it. Looking around at how the house had changed since 1990. More rooms added - someone living in my old studio room; a warren of tunnels, secret hallways & doors... all kinds of art & music students using the house as a home base. Yet my bedroom was spartan. Mattress on the floor and familiar views out all 3 windows; same trees. Both (adult) Holly & Amy came up the kitchen stairs and started trying to get me to leave that space - where I was content, safe, welcome and comfortable. Then we explored the house.... and couldn't find our way out. I've had this dream about that house at least a dozen times before. The people mostly unknown to me; strangers. So I don't think there is anything being messaged about me, to me... rather it's something about the house itself. <wide eyes> Wondering... pondering...
I've had similar dreams over the past couple years about the beach house - I usually see it in the dream empty. No furniture people or activity. The pool is covered always in that dream. The poolhouse - the space of so many memories - is dark & quiet. In real life, it was bright, full of tacky geegaws, & full of music and people.
Yeah, I know the Jungian symbolism of the "house" in dreams. No, I don't think there is anything left over, unprocessed, from all the previous work I've done. This feels "new". I have noticed about myself, the past couple years, that I was keeping my attention firmly planted in the external world - other-oriented and dealing with physical expressions of me. Like redesigning the studio. I haven't felt interested; no pull from - the shadow work or the void & veil. That seemed like it was closed for the time being. A "gone fishin'" sign on the door so long, I wondered if I just imagined it all. Astrology stuff was "another language" that I couldn't understand. I unsubscribed my last tarot reader because nothing she was reading was relatable to me.
Now, it seems to be opening up again in the "old reliable" form of dreams. I learned awhile back, that asking "why" and trying to analyze this kind of thing was a total waste of time. I'm better off "winging it" and accepting the happy accidents that occur along the way. And they ARE there. It's not like I move from being in one world or the other; rather when that side is active I'm partly in both. At the same time.
We think we have a local fisher cat which has been reducing the flock of ducks & geese; mostly just kills them - doesn't eat them. Ducks are all gone; I counted only 10 geese yesterday. Hol surmises that when all the birds are gone, S will be too. (I'm not so sure...)
B is happily adapting to having his bolus active - to boost pain relief temporarily - and trying to learn the best time to use it. He's been getting 4-5 hrs of sheer relief, followed by a distinct crash back into the chronic pain for a couple hours - followed by an echo of the relief for another long stretch of time. We've got the referral now for the urologist - and are completely on our own selecting one. I dunno what he's going to test for, since the stimulator has been off the symptoms haven't reoccurred. As I documented. But of course, we can't be believed; there just has to be something else going on with him. The tech for the device looked absolutely devastated suggesting he just leave it off until we go thru the silly process of more tests to prove it's not prostate issues or something else causing the symptoms, that it is just like said - the electrical signal from the leads directly to those S1 & S2 nerves. S I G H.
I am spending part of the morning & afternoon picking out one of 30 different shades of white to combine with the paint colors I picked out for the studio. Ceiling will be white. LOL. 30! I've got one more window to sponge and then I get the second coat of mud on. Already have primer for the drywall. Got exterior paint for the doors to match siding & trim... waiting on deck sealer... and waiting on weather. Meanwhile there are all kinds of "relocation of stuff" tasks to complete to prepare for the next phase of updating.
OH! and last weekend the new prez recommended we upgrade some equipment at the shop. It's a good investment I believe and is one step closer to making sure the kids receive a competitive company when we turn shares over. Bro & I quickly came to a decision to proceed. A big change from where we started working together. In fact, he was more on top of things than I was! That was a shocker. But a welcome one.
Hopalong:
What a rich and absorbing update in your last two posts, Amber!
I'm glad there's forward motion on B's pain. But I couldn't refrain from a tiny bit of dream pondering -- so I asked myself, in what way is Amber feeling "invaded"? My heart pinged at you missing the B he was before the pain got so intractable. And how deeply and tightly you are wrapped up by the nonstop necessity of staying tuned into him. There's vulnerability in those dream stories, perhaps a need for respite and refuge.
Has anything changed in what you need, so you don't get swamped by it all?
All in all, though, sounds to me as though diving within, heading for the treasures of subconscious territory, is a natural reaction to so much focus on Others. B, Hol and S. Unavoidable so much of the time.
For me, it's slowly become clear that despite my whining and wishing otherwise, being alone most of the time is a source of strength. Very bizarre to discover my introverted side the last several years. For writing, for resting, for calming dem nerves.
Here's to all of us protecting ourselves from Too Much. I've revisited those feelings lately with D's I presume temporary reappearance, and remember how Too Much felt all those years.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Hi, Amber:
Another detailed update.... very interesting read and a break in the day. I'm struggling to put pinch pleats back into a very wide drapery panel..... SO THICK AND DIFFICULT!
About the dream with you in a blue dress, exposed to the cold wet.... and then a protective presense shows up with a red cape to embrace and keep you safe. My first thought was.... you're both people.... and maybe you're unconscious belief system is shifting into conscious belief regarding your ability to protect and keep yourself safe? I'm curious what you're thinking about the dream as time passes.
The farm house dream, where you're feeling safe and comfy in your old room.... then your adult children come in and insist you move out of the cozy space and you can't get out of the house at all. First thought.... Hol's been criticizing your choices for years and you've been paiently resisting and finding your own way..... but the energetic bond is there and her words maybe get in, at points. If one buys into negative voices, even a tiny bit, they have power in our lives, IME Do her words block your serenity and prevent you from resting comfortably.... keep you feeling at the edge, unable to fully embrace the head space and full belief in what you need and entitlement to simply choose it without question..... can you shake the feelings of obligation, if that's what the dream was about?
It's possible you feel tethered by your DD's beliefs in ways impacting your ability to fully choose yourself and your needs.... even if you aren't aware? Maybe? Not sure. Just my two cents.
About B's struggle with pain and the slow moving medical complex...... I feel weakness and despair in the left side of my back and chest when imagining the minutes and hours without the pump turned on. I'm going to pray the urology appt quickly clarifies whatever the medical complex needs in order to move forward.
On the bright side... it seems the tech is competent and interested in moving forward with haste. I hope you guys navigate the next set of chalenges quickly to get B's device online consistently.
Question......
and this isn't a nice thing to write.....
what if the birds go away in the next week or so?
What if the fisher cat has help taking the bird flock to zero,. just to see what S does?
Not saying the birds have to actually die.... Just saying it might lead to the clarity Hol seems to think it will.
Lighter
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