Old Topic just same Fing narcissism

[Meh]

Just nothing new.

So, a bit stressed out. Had an argument with my mother which she initiated by bringing up a subject in a predictable manner which I've probably had 100 arguments with her about now. Was merely trying to drink a cup of coffee. And in the middle of the rerun broken record I say something like: "when you argue with me I just get stressed out and it adds to my anxiety and depression" which she doesn't give a shit about. And she NEVER apologizes EVER for anything. She NEVER changes HOW she talks to me. She is a freaking weirdo. AND since she doesn't care OR listen I JUST Fing repeat myself. I SAY THE SAME SHIT like a broken record. SO I SAY IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. I say that THESE kinds of arguments just cause ME STRESS and then I end up feeling MORE DEPRESSED. I say it like three or four Fing times in the course of the conversation/argument/RITUAL verbal manipulation bullshit. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I SAY because she doesn't care and she doesn't listen to me. HER even starting an argument is a RITUAL FOR HER it's just a sick ritual.

I'm supposed to become a ghost and kill myself or something. That is what narcissists always seem to be trying to do. Drive someone to dark depression and non-existence. But I just keep on talking because I don't think "GRAYROCK" is always a real option OR a good option. Look I am just typing this out to calm down I guess. I'm NOT looking for unwanted advice. I can now get unwanted advice from AI. Bleh.

The way my mother frames everything feels like infantilization. I even just say that to her. I say IT, I say this is infantilizing. AND AGAIN like every other Fing thing I REPEAT it more than once because THEY do not listen and they don't care. The point is not to talk in a constructive way. The POINT for Narcissists is their DEADEND sicko rituals of verbal BS.

Now that I am geographically pretty isolated AND thoroughly depressed from the bullshit circimstances of my stupid shit life... she says I should talk to a counselor. I tell her I don't want to... I say I've already spoken to 4 or 5 counselors when I was younger and I didn't find it helpful. I HAVE TO Fing repeat this because no matter what I say she says the same shit because she doesn't care what I am saying. I say what I am experincing now can not be solved with psychoanalysis...I say TALKING to someone is JUST TALKING it's just Fing TALKING. Trust me no counselor wants to listen to me because I am unhappy and I feel like a mean bitch at this point. I do not want to fucking waste my time for a couselor to sit on their ass an GET PAID to TALK. I don't want to hear anymore stupid fucking useless advice. I can GOOGLE advice. I can read 200 Fing books. I don't want this. I'm angry that she continually says the same shit.

And when I was younger I saw my brother in a weird screwed up cycle. I didn't understand it but I knew instinctually something was just wrong. I knew my brother was always in some kind of crisis mode and it was only ever made worse by the crap my relatives said and did. ITS NOT Fing me.

And this is another point. My mother always comes back to making me feel like shit for everything. She is NASTY about it, she starts an argument with me so that she can be nasty. ITS A SICK RITUAL.

I had screwed up my sleep cycle and I had been awake at night and asleep during the day time. I don't know how much time has passed I probably didn't go outside for about a month to exercise or anyhing... except to go grocery shopping once a week. I KNOW this isn't healthy. I hope I get my sleep cycle sorted out again.

Look, nothing has changed, not in 15 Fing years. NOTHING in my life has changes NOTHING, I'm just older and tired.

She is a truly strange and nasty person. The look on her face changes midway in the argument which she has started. I don't know what to call it, it's like some veil is lifted on their creepy personality and they get a weird look in their eyes and their is this shift and there is just something psychologically MESSED up inside of narcissists. They're awful and they just don't give a crap. She doesn't care how she is impacting me.

I don't think I have anything else to type right now. I am going to repeat the same nothingness, the same empty lament like a retard. It doesn't matter HOW MUCH I know about narcissism. Reading about it changes nothing. I can recognize problems but it doesn't Fing matter BECAUSE it's still there.

This is the kind of shit I would say to a therapist. So yeah, I have no social support network, I am geographically far out from any place I need to get to. My mother is an alcoholic and she has a personality disorder and I've had to depend on her to get anywhere. So find maybe I am RETARDED and also co-dependent and whatever but it doesn't MATTER because calling it whatever DOES NOT ever change anything. Words are not magic elixers. They are not.

I am just going to repeat it because that is all I can ever do is repeat the same shit.

Words are not magic elixers
Maybe placebo doesn't work on me
Maybe the bullshit shamanism of counseling doesn't work on me because...
WORDS are NOT elixers
WORDS do NOT change reality
WORDS DO NOT change the weather
it does not

I don't care what the F you think of this.
I just have to write it I don't know why.
I'm writing it.

I'M angry. I hate having a narcissistic alcoholic tell me to see a therapist.
Because something like cognitive behavioral therapy or whatever I HATE IT.
I do not like people pretending that re-framing something changes REALITY.
See it does not matter how you look at a pile of dog turds... its TURDS. And if you have the TURDS on your shoe it's just a TURD on your shoe. There is no reframing of this shit.

See, when I was younger I thought there was something deeply flawed with me. I thought I needed to be on anti-depressant pills. I also thought maybe someday my life might be sort of better or improved after a while of self-help or whatever random trend crap came along. But now I can say all that is lies and marketing. Nothing has improved it's just decades of SHIT. DECADES of it.

I just hate these arguements and my mother does this for some kind of weird ritualistic bullshit she is acting out. How did I grow up with NOTHING but this really... like I am the person who has absorbed this my whole life. I don't want to hear people's stupid fucking advice. I just don't. I'm merely venting.

I've I've heard and read 1,000 pieces of advice before now well clearly that shit hasn't helped.

I'm really just a very unhappy person and I don't care. I don't want to PRETEND to be happy. ITS A LIE.

My mother is an alcoholic, my grandmother is an alcoholic, my brother as an alcoholic and he committed suicide.

I'm just a tired, angry, unhappy person. And frankly this is just fucking reality for some people. Life is shit. We're supposed to pretend like we're fing happy and whatever just to FIT in with society. But why. It's FAKE.

Have nothing else to type right now. I've spent too much time on social media as a form of escape. Following interest groups and whatnot but it's nothing. It's the path of least resistance or something to fall into technology wastelands.

I'm pretty sure this codependent infantilization that I have has turned my insides into invisible retardation. I know outdated language... but what life-long impact does this shit have on someone and the INDUSTRY of "fixing people"

I don't feel like an adult. And this is the problem with ever being around my mother at all along with all the other problems. You can't diagnose decades of invisible bullshit... it doesn't GET UNDONE, there is NO undoing.. like it wastes a persons life away. It wastes time. There is not a single conversation that I've had with her where she isn't spewing some kind of magical future faking I'm tired of it... the utopia event horizon with some unnatural gravity laws where time and space don't make sense. Between anxiety, depression, narcissism bullshit... my sense of time has been messed up because NOTHING good happens in my life, it's pretty meaningless. I can talk about some random crap that sounds nice but it's pretty meaningless and has been for years. Yeah, I know this is just an angry rant of a depressed person but I just had a stupid ritual argument and whatever. Don't read anything into it. Maybe I just have to type over and over again, these conversations are dead and pointless, it's an argument with a zombie. And for me I have to type over and over again, this is only a ritual. It is a shitty ritual, it's not a real conversation, it's squawks and snarling and nothingness, it's empty noise and it's dishonest. There are lies in it. Lies that one is TOLD SO MANY times. It's all bullshit. I'm depressed I think I have a can of rotting tuna in my refrigerator I'm not kidding. I have to like clean and I'm tired. It's weird tired. It's I don't give a fuck tired. It's emotionally retarded tired.

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry, Meh.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

The way I see what you describe, you have some choices here. Choices that NO ONE can make except yourself. So, not "advice" per se, but just a bare bones outlne of the reality you describe, which sounds pretty damn horrible.

A. If your mom hasn't changed her behavior or how she interacts with you in all these years, she's most PROBABLY not going to. She would need strong motivation (or emotional shock, which may not be possible for her) to learn, grow and be different. We can't make people what we want them to be. And no amount of bearing the burden of personal suffering will karmically alter things to your liking; it's just punishing yourself further.

   - choice: you can simply continue on the way you have. you have the freedom and agency to do that, if you choose... and no one can judge that, ethically. you will probably also continue to rail at the godz about the fate you accept with this choice and feel stuck.

   -  choice: YOU have the ability to change your behavior and level of interaction with "mom", at will. You can choose to live your life with almost no contact to absolutely no contact with her... and no one can say "boo" about your choice; it can't be criticized or judged by anyone else because they aren't YOU and don't have this ongoing repeated nightmare sham of a "relationship". What you do with the extra space in your life, is again, up to you.

   -  choice: YOU can reclaim power over your own life and slowly but surely, work toward making a contented and comfortable life for yourself. Yeah, it might mean allowing some friends gradually into your concentric "circles" of trust and confidence. Yeah, you might be dependent in ways on "the system" until you get on your feet. Yeah you might have even greater challenges... but it sure as hell wouldn't be boring! It could be the adventure of a lifetime to design, develop a plan and execute it to build your perfect (or as close as any of us ever gets*) life. *= none of us have a perfect life, and most of us struggle with various things at various times, for various durations. Even the "celebrities" have their own struggles and agonies...  bless their hearts.

   -  choice: you can just aceept what you're currently experiencing as your lot in life and give up trying to be who you really are; or decide this IS who you really are... the choices and combinations of choices are pretty limitless. But only YOU will know which one(s) feel right for you, that you like/can live with, and will propel you closer to what you can't even see right now, that you might really want for yourself.


B. We only get this one life, with this one consciousness. I'm allowing for the possibility of reincarnation - which presumes that one would have a different consciousness. We all have tests, struggles, challenges, horrible experiences - and absolute grace from the godz - in our lives. Do we always see these? not necessarily. Do we have to consign ourselves to a life/conditions/circumstances that is just the first challenge of what we were born into or can we find our inner rebel, and "go do" something ELSE?

NONE of us know 100% which is better; we don't have crystal balls about the future difficulties we'll experience on either path. And no one is "perfect enough" to judge you on what you choose for you.


Good luck, Sis.

(typos corrected for clarity, given I've had a bit too much coffee)

[lighter]

No advice, Meh.

Just an observation.

Your mother is broken and she can't do better, bc someone likely harmed her during her childhood.
 If she could do better, she would.
 She just can't.

Acceptance of her brokeness....
accepting she's done her best and will never do any better requires dropping expectations she'll change.

I have no idea if that would create less suffering for you.



What I'm sure about is this....
you're profoundly worthy of the loving mother you never had. 

Her brokeness is about her....
not you.

Lighter

[Meh]

Another day another screaming session. Had to buy some Tylenol today. The right side of my neck sternocleidomastoid maybe is all tensed up and earlier today I was getting chest pain. I assume all of this is those bizarre body manifestations of stress.

I'm almost too bored of this and too tired to type it out.

So, I've pretty much been stranded in an area that doesn't have bus transportation that is commutable to a job. I've been out here for over a year more or less doing nothing and wasting my savings after I had been taking some classes online. I've figured maybe I'm going to need to stay in a hotel closer to the city to apply for jobs and look for rentals. See, this never ends when you aren't like financially stable with a good job/career or whatever. And it gets old the older you get. Anyhow so my mother I've had to depend on to get to the grocery store and take my garbage stuff to the recycle center etc. That is pretty much the only thing I've gone out to do for all this time I've been out here. While I was in the car with her I mentioned that I was considering putting my stuff in a storage place nearby temporarily. It's something I was considering to sort of maybe alleviate my own stress of getting my stuff out of the rental before the end of the month. I'm also just tired of looking at the boxes and wondering what more I should throw away. I think I only have 15 boxes like that's it and one small lamp and bedding stuff. Anyways this stuff is really boring. So I had mentioned to my mother that I might want to stick my stuff in storage because it's only like $30 or something. When I said that she started screaming at me in the car. I have the $30. I wasn't asking her opinion I was just trying to discuss how the hell I am going to get unstranded and out of this rental that I have to be out of. She starts telling me I'm not going to put stuff and storage as if it's her decision to make. Like it's really pointless. I would need her to help me get the boxes into the storage unit and it might take two trips but we drive in that dirrection anyhow to go to the grocery store. But this think of moving boxes into storage is what she decides to yell and scream about and flip out over. She drops me off back at my place, she says she will call me later when she gets home, and I put my groceries away and I go for a walk to get some exercise and in theory "destress" though I have my doubts about my ability to destress at all. Then my phone isn't working well because it's never worked well out here I'm not kidding. She texts me and she writes she doesn't have much to say. I call her and I tell her I'm just trying to figure out all my options to get out of this place. I don't have a car, don't have a job, don't have a rental soon. I can contact staffing companies but if they send me on a job I have to actually go there. Like I can't speak to her about any plans she isn't going to help me at all.

I asked her if she would be willing to co-sign on a loan for a commuter car. I knew she would say no but there is no reason for me not to ask. She has a house and two cars, they're comfortable enough and not hurting at all. I really did want to get driving again WHILE I was living outside the city. The traffic is awful in a lot of places around here closer one gets into the urban areas. Like I think it's rated as one of the worst regions to drive in. This was part of the reason I moved out here anyhow but nothing went very well. The "help" I was told I was going to get with this turned into screaming and somehow there is always a reason NOT to do it.

She also keeps telling me to "talk to a counselor" and I tell her that there is nothing a couselor will say that is going to 1) move my things etc. I say to her this is pretty basic stuff and there is no mystery to it. But she acts likes this is some esoteric mysterious process. I told her yeah I just have to take these action steps and I need a regular paycheck and not being employed makes it more challenging to get a car or apartment/rental because they always want for you to already have a job. It's a fucking headache. She makes things very very difficult even she has to scream about me saying I think I might want to put some boxes into storage.

It's just that it's not important to her so she sabotages all of it because she really does want me to end up in a crisis situation. Like she actually seems to create hell when it could be easier. This is not how things go when it's her own life, she is capable of planning something calmly and figuring something out but it something has to do with what I NEED to do she screams and does a pointless conversation. I told her: "There's something wrong with you" that is the only response I think to say to her when she is screaming. So then she asks her husband in the background: "Denny is there something wrong with me" and he says "No"... and I tell her nobody is screaming at her like she is screaming at me... to which she responds to me with a sarcastic tone and I have no idea what she even says because it's not worth remembering. None of it is like planning basic things. I can't get anything done and then all of a sudden it's a "crisis" because on a regular basis I haven't been able to get anything done.

The conversations are dead-end, they are mean spirited, they go around in circles when I'm just trying to think of various options of what I can do to get out of here. But she apparently has decided she is going to make all these decisions for me.

It's stressful. I've been lucky that she even takes me to get groceries like that is a herculean effort for her even though she lives 3 mins away and the store is probably only 10 minute drive or so.

As bad as it is for me, and as stressful as it is I almost have to laugh at her how HARD and impossible she has made everything. Like everything I need to do it is just so fucking hard.

She says she is going to "call someone" like she is threatening to call someone to get me put into a mental ward. She did this to my brother. This started all because I said I was thinking of sticking some boxes into storage.

Then she says "this is all documented." I don't know what she means by that. I assume she has weaponized her therapist against me as some kind of authority who is "documenting" that I'm bad and evil for having any needs at all. Anyhow she says it like a threat. I hope I do make her miserable as she is the loser who brought me into this world. But she is fine, she is real comfortable in life.

I am quite literally meant to have no needs, to be invisible, no not exist.

[Meh]

Hopalong, Skeptical, Lighter.

Yeah, I know. She isn't going to change.

[Meh]

I need to get back to working again, I need a regular routine, I need a regular paycheck, I need to do basic positive things for myself like being able to get to doctor appointments and even just get my freaking hair cut and stupid stuff. Need some regularity that makes sense. I really wanted to be in an area that doesn't have terrible traffic congestion. I'm too old not to have a car I mean I made it work for years in the city but the city is also getting more and more expensive and every time I move or need to do anything it's without a car. Like I don't feel like an adult. And I also have weird anxiety about driving which is probably somewhat 1) me being neurotic and making a bigger deal of it than it is AND 2) Actually a real problem when it comes to some of the commutes in this area because even some of my old coworkers would say they got awful anxiety from their commute.

[Meh]

Sometimes I wonder how bad a relationship has to be for it to actually cause brain damage.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2017/10/long-term-narcissistic-abuse-can-cause-brain-damage#1

https://www.businessinsider.com/how-stressful-relationship-is-bad-2014-11

[sKePTiKal]

Wow... it almost sounds to me, as if your mom - at some deep emotionally disturbed level - really NEEDS you in her life - like a source of justification for how SHE is. Like she feeds off of you. (ICK...!) She's obviously trying to control you via all this drama she exhibits. Good on you, for resisting this crap.

Even beater cars are expensive these days... and car loans are absurdly expensive too. Good mechanics are getting rare and parts are slow to be available and growing pricier every week too.

But, I wonder if there's some "work from home" job you could find, to at least get you the income you need to start putting one foot after the other, on your plan? Sometimes, medical billing or coding can pay enough for you to start getting ahead. No, it's not fun work... but you probably wouldn't have to commute. And you COULD look for a bike with some hauling capacity (more than a basket; panniers? A cargo box?) or maybe a trike? That would be good exercise for you too.

I dunno. When we get to talking about this practical side of things, you can be as creative as you want about cobbling together a solution. Whatever works for you. No brick walls denying you the chance to try, you know? The criteria is staring you in the face: something work at home, that doesn't require transportation, for NOW. Get yourself moved... renting a vehicle. Maybe even an Uber? And by then, maybe the used car situation will have improved enough you can find something reliable... and you can improve your job/income. But it's not "magic" - it does need the nurture of your effort and desire to "make it so".

Good luck! I know you're determined & persistent enough to succeed!

[Hopalong]

Being screamed at routinely is emotional abuse.

You feel trapped. She sounds both mean and not right in the head.

Are you by any chance highly sensitive to noise and chaos? Your mother is the walking definition of chaos. I can imagine how hellish it is feeling dependent on her.

I'm sorry you keep going through this. I do wish you'd talk to a counselor if you can. Even online services have some pro bono, I think/hope/not sure.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Yeah, I'm not a person that falls asleep easily in front of a noisy TV screen like some people like.

I do like quiet quite a bit.

[Meh]

I feel lonely. I also don't want to date anybody I just magically wish I had more family around. But I think this is also a weird feeling I get when I move I guess.

A while ago a friend had asked me if I wanted to look for a rental with her and I'm now feeling like I should have taken her up on the idea. If I move closer into the city the rents are higher and the traffic and parking is worse but there are more jobs. Bleh.

[lighter]

Have you checked in with the friend looking for a roommate lately, Meh?

Maybe a visit's in order?

[Meh]

Oh, that friend I do keep in touch with. They don't currently have any open rooms in their house I asked. It's women from her church which I'm not a part of.

[Meh]

So, I bought a used car yesterday. I've never purchased a car before believe it or not. It cleared out most of my bank account considering I've been stranded without a car, paying rent but NOT working, so I've wasted a lot of money doing nothing. The car has no warranty, & I got the most basic insurance possible SO I hope I just keep it together for at least the next 12 months. Since I do live in an area with NOT a lot of traffic I still thought it is a chance for me to get used to driving again. I had lived in the city for most of my adult life and didn't drive I just took public transit to work and did F-all in the city I guess. It feels hard to account for how I've spent the last 5-10 years of my life like it's been kinda pointless. So I signed a bunch of forms yesterday. Managed to get my relatives to come with me to a car dealership because THAT was also far away. Deep sigh. I got in the car today and drove around on the backroads here where all I had to avoid was deer and some contruction crews. I knew I needed to get over some anxiety about this. I'm such a loser lol... there are 20-year-olds who are lifetimes ahead of me. I'm afraid to get on the freeway but I guess eventually I will. In fact maybe I can wake up insanely early on Sunday morning and just get on the freeway and hope for the best like an idiot. There shouldn't be very many people out if I wake up early enough. I know it sounds stupid but it's been MANY years since I drove in heavy traffic or on the highway. I just have to do it. At least here is Google maps so I can kind of pre-plot where I am going and all.