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Old Topic just same Fing narcissism

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Meh:
Hopalong, Skeptical, Lighter.

Yeah, I know. She isn't going to change.

Meh:

I need to get back to working again, I need a regular routine, I need a regular paycheck, I need to do basic positive things for myself like being able to get to doctor appointments and even just get my freaking hair cut and stupid stuff. Need some regularity that makes sense. I really wanted to be in an area that doesn't have terrible traffic congestion. I'm too old not to have a car I mean I made it work for years in the city but the city is also getting more and more expensive and every time I move or need to do anything it's without a car. Like I don't feel like an adult. And I also have weird anxiety about driving which is probably somewhat 1) me being neurotic and making a bigger deal of it than it is AND 2) Actually a real problem when it comes to some of the commutes in this area because even some of my old coworkers would say they got awful anxiety from their commute.

Meh:
Sometimes I wonder how bad a relationship has to be for it to actually cause brain damage.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2017/10/long-term-narcissistic-abuse-can-cause-brain-damage#1

https://www.businessinsider.com/how-stressful-relationship-is-bad-2014-11

sKePTiKal:
Wow... it almost sounds to me, as if your mom - at some deep emotionally disturbed level - really NEEDS you in her life - like a source of justification for how SHE is. Like she feeds off of you. (ICK...!) She's obviously trying to control you via all this drama she exhibits. Good on you, for resisting this crap.

Even beater cars are expensive these days... and car loans are absurdly expensive too. Good mechanics are getting rare and parts are slow to be available and growing pricier every week too.

But, I wonder if there's some "work from home" job you could find, to at least get you the income you need to start putting one foot after the other, on your plan? Sometimes, medical billing or coding can pay enough for you to start getting ahead. No, it's not fun work... but you probably wouldn't have to commute. And you COULD look for a bike with some hauling capacity (more than a basket; panniers? A cargo box?) or maybe a trike? That would be good exercise for you too.

I dunno. When we get to talking about this practical side of things, you can be as creative as you want about cobbling together a solution. Whatever works for you. No brick walls denying you the chance to try, you know? The criteria is staring you in the face: something work at home, that doesn't require transportation, for NOW. Get yourself moved... renting a vehicle. Maybe even an Uber? And by then, maybe the used car situation will have improved enough you can find something reliable... and you can improve your job/income. But it's not "magic" - it does need the nurture of your effort and desire to "make it so".

Good luck! I know you're determined & persistent enough to succeed!

Hopalong:
Being screamed at routinely is emotional abuse.

You feel trapped. She sounds both mean and not right in the head.

Are you by any chance highly sensitive to noise and chaos? Your mother is the walking definition of chaos. I can imagine how hellish it is feeling dependent on her.

I'm sorry you keep going through this. I do wish you'd talk to a counselor if you can. Even online services have some pro bono, I think/hope/not sure.

hugs
Hops

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