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Hopalong:
Only "raging" stuck out to me, ((((Tupp)))), so it sounds as though his unkempt/inconsiderate reflexes were a trigger of some deeper stuff. As slobby as he sounded, his sins seemed small.
You've had so many invasions of your peace of mind over the years that maybe you feel fierce about it. I do too, have often been very uncomfortable having people in my space recently. Anxious, even. I'm just rawer than I used to be, and I think that will change again. We're not fixed in stone and all our traits can ebb and flow.
Maybe something simple like, "I've realized I'm just not comfortable having people in my space -- set in my ways!" would explain it to him without hurt.
I don't think you're breaking down, I just think your built-in sensors got overloaded by his visit.
hugs,
Hops
lighter:
Tupp:
Hops said she's more "raw" but I simply feel less inclined to make nice and pretend all is well when it's not.
Esp with contractors. I silently raged today, sometimes screaming in my head, while helping the original lake contractor re do the bathroom celing tiles.
My sis and I took down the 12"x24" porcelain tiles. I taped off the new shower door, floor, walls and made sure there was padding to protect the glass. I scraped, hammered and otherwise chiseled off the old thinset then handed the tiles to the contractor to put back in. You know... he didn't even check LEVEL once and so we figured out why the old tiles came out. Nothing level.
I'm rambling, but I should have tracked down another contractor, by now, and taken care of this. I NEEEEED to speak plainly and not make nice, all the time, bc that's what I used to do, mindlessly.
Mindfully..... I'm not that nice all the time. I'm not.
::coughing up thinset dust::
I'm poised to be very plain spoken. I think Hops said something about feeling raw.... and maybe it's simuilar to that. I think feeling, honestly, is a bit shocking when one is used to doing doing doing and making nice, out of habit.
Ya.
Hope you guys are dong OK.
I'd like to hear more about how things are going for you and pooch, Hops.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Thanks, Hops. It's the valuelessness of the situation that has nibbled at me, I think. The mess the next day wouldn't have mattered if I'd spent the evening before laughing constantly or having a really interesting conversation, or he'd put up the roller blinds that are sat by the door waiting for me to get the time to do it. It was the overall futility of the interaction, I think, and I'm trying to whittle things down to their bare bones because I want my life to be so different and it still seems to me that it isn't my outward behaviour that's the issue, it's something much deeper inside that is still largely covered (to me, at least), that seems to have only two options - draw and attract arseholes (people, situations, circumstances) or avoid, deflect, hide away. And I don't want either so I'm trying to whittle it all away and figure myself out.
I think that ties in with what you said, Lighter, about making nice out of habit. For decades I unconsciously gave people what they wanted. I issued no demands, I took up no space, I prioritised the needs of others over myself at all times, without even realising it. There was just no me there. And when I started noticing and taking up space most of the people I cared about left, because they didn't have room in their lives for me. I was there to receive and nothing else. People say that's a good thing because you find out who your real friends are, but it doesn't stop it hurting or feeling lonely and rejected. I think what I realised was that when he asked to stop over, I didn't have a reason to say no - but I also didn't have a reason to say yes. He brings nothing to my life, even momentarily. He's boring, unintelligent, he has no interest in other people, he says many things that are subtle put downs and then does the 'I was only asking' or 'It was just a joke' thing when challenged. He smokes, he smells, he just isn't good company. But I didn't think of any of that (will I enjoy his company for the evening?). I just thought, well he's only up the road, one night won't hurt and he's not sleeping in the house so it's okay. So I think the next step for me is 'do I want this in my life' rather than 'is this going to be bad for me?' Because they're not quite the same thing and I think I've been stuck at the refusing bad stuff rather than only allowing good stuff for a long time now.
Your contractor story, Lighter, triggered something in me when you mentioned real fires. I think you're like me, in so much as you assume everyone else will be like you and do the job well, thoroughly and attentively. If you were around a real fire that fire would be safe. You'd take every precaution going, you'd check and monitor it, you'd make sure others were sensible and if it did get out of control, you'd be chucking buckets of water at it until the fire brigade got there. But I think so few people are really like that and I know for me, I've got to the point of checking really small details because it amazes me how so many people miss what seems obvious and necessary. Added to which I think a lot of people just don't think for themselves, they do the bare minimum they can get away with and nothing more. It's hard when you're not like that and I think it catches people out. And you end up covered in dust lol x
Twoapenny:
Do you know what occurred to me as I carried on thinking about all of this today? I never, ever, ever ask myself what I need. What I want, yes, I can give you a full blown description of my perfect life right down to the colour of my shoes. What I need to do, yep, I can produce three pages of detailed notes on everything from putting the dishes away to making a million pounds to put away for my son. What my son needs, yes, I can deliver a care plan in 14 minutes flat. But what I need? Basic, ordinary, day to day? Do you need to sleep, Tupp? Rest? Have some fun? Eat, drink water, go for a long walk, drive to the seaside and watch the waves? Phone a friend? A good night out? Some dancing? What do I need? Right now? Dear Lord, can I really have overlooked such a basic thing for so many years? I asked myself and what came to me is sleep, so I went back to bed for two hours. Then water, so I drank some. Now I'm going to have a bath. Really have I missed out the basic in amongst all the drama and angst and naval gazing? Might it actually be that blooming simple?
lighter:
I don't see it as naval gazing, Tupp. More.... distraction and distracted, IME.
Asking yourself what you need is a habit or can become habit, me'thinks. I thought about that today as I sweated in the outbuilding heat while looking for things I need to finish the counters....wood distressing tools, industrial fan, respirator, etc.
It was too quiet so aI stopped, asked how I could restore comfort, put on favorite Spotify playlist and danced happily through my tasks.....breezy outside.....enjoying what I could enjoy. It was good.
It was also like exploring a haunted building, bc.....generations of history, including items, photos and once cherished things from my li fe.....my old lives, rather. Childhood. Teens. Single adult life. First marriage. Second. Children and family...I felt a Grandfather's presence and found important things quickly, rather than getting badly side tracked. I kept returning to what I needed and remembering to be mindful of wants, as well.
Remembering....I want to drop judgement. I don't want to feel haunted. I don't want to get mindlessly distracted.
I want to find joy in the present. I want that new default to be set and it be what I'm modeling for my family, bc we're all haunted, if I'm truthful.
So, ya. Your post resonates loudly today, Tupp.
Lighter
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