Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
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sKePTiKal:
BINGO Tupp!
Yeah, needs get pushed down when "doing" means survival and safety. But it's easy to focus on needs instead of the old stuff, because now you're more settled and safe.
Twoapenny:
Thanks, both. Weird, isn't it, how things just drop into place.
My latest self help adventure is the Andrew Bernstein method for managing stress. Apparently has been about for years, I had heard nothing about this :) Very early days and must confess to not understanding how it works yet but am trying the exercises and noticing a big drop in my reactions and responses to things. I am keen to do more! Lol
lighter:
Looking forward to hearing more, Tupp.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
One little revelatory moment I have noticed (and whether it's because of these stress management techniques or not I don't know - possibly it is) is my endless sense that there is something seriously wrong with me is receding. I have always felt that my failings (as I saw them) in life were down to some deep flaw on my part. My mother couldn't accept me, no-one else came to save me, I haven't been able to maintain friendships, relationships, people ask too much of me, I always end up being the one to do x, y and z when no-one else does, and so on. I've always felt that showed a deep flaw in me that needed to be fixed.
But - an incident happened a few days ago that has made me rethink all of that. One of the neighbours asked for a favour, framed it initially as a small favour and then after I said yes gave me further information and it's actually a big favour and one I would have refused, had I known what it really entailed (it's to do with taking care of pets and was initially presented as a small thing but is actually an extended holiday, several pets, medical issues to take care of and so on).
I've had a few days of why me? why do people do this, why was I deceived, why do I now have to figure out a way of getting out of it, what is it about me that says 'mug'? And so on. But - and this is where the stress management comes in, as it's about turning the problem round and looking at the opposite side of it - I realised it isn't 'me' that attracts this. We're the newest neighbours on the block - she's probably done this to the others so now they all say no and I'm the only one not in the loop. She knows I'm home with my son so fewer excuses for me relating to not being here. She was, in my opinion, quite deliberately manipulative. If I ask someone for a big favour I start with "It's a big favour. Feel free to say no or take time to think it over". And then I'll spell out exactly what I'm asking for. She did the opposite, presented it as a small favour and then once I said yes, drip fed the rest of the information. So this is about her, not me.
That then got me thinking to friendships. I've always felt I couldn't maintain friendships because i don't 'attract' the right sort of people. Again, there is some deep flaw in me that attracts incompatible types. But looking back over many years, I can see that my requirements for friendships changed. At one point anyone that would drink or take drugs with me would do. I straightened myself out from that but still had very low self esteem, so would take any kind of behaviour without complaint. I pulled myself out of that but was still in a lot of situations where I gave a lot and didn't get much back. I put boundaries in place and lost most people then. Then it wasn't just about how I was treated, it was about what I got out of other people, and with some it wasn't much, so I dropped them. And that's what I think has been happening. It's not something wrong with me, it's that my standards kept getting higher. For some reason that hadn't been so clear to me before.
And I think it's across the board, in all situations. My home life has meant very limited opportunities for meeting different kinds of people as we're mostly limited to groups for those who are disadvantaged in some way. They're not right for us. It takes all my energy to manage our own limited situation, I've nothing left over for anyone else's. Again I've felt that there's something wrong with me for not enjoying these groups or finding them the great relief that others seem to. But the truth is most of the chat is local gossip, what's in the news, people talking endlessly about themselves and/or what's on telly, and I've no interest in any of that. Nothing wrong with that. I'm just not with like minded people.
So it's been one of those situations again where a lot has come to light, and it's good. It's funny but years ago something would suddenly make sense and I'd feel euphoric. Now it feels less exciting. Just more along the lines of, "oh. So that's how that bit works". But it's good. Little by little it's all making sense.
lighter:
Really good insights, Tupp. Astonishing how perspective changes everything.
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