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Hopalong:
Tupp, you are an insight MACHINE!
I followed everything you said closely and it all made such sense.
Both your awarenesses of how your old reflexes can trip you up, and how your newer identity doesn't cooperate with the over-cooperative "previous Tupp."
What do you plan to CHARGE this woman for the elaborate "favor" she's asked you for?
I loved your awareness that you said "Sure!" too quickly (old Tupp) and now are thinking about how to limit the burden of the task. I hope you find whatever compromise that will help you either: take care of her pets because you love animals anyway, and/OR: take care of yourself by explaining: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize what a job you were asking me to do, and I can't commit to that."
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on June 28, 2024, 05:46:44 PM ---Really good insights, Tupp. Astonishing how perspective changes everything.
--- End quote ---
Definitely the change in perspective, Lighter, it just takes out the charge behind everything. Still took me a few days to figure it out but practise, right? Slowly but surely :) xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on June 28, 2024, 07:13:24 PM ---Tupp, you are an insight MACHINE!
I followed everything you said closely and it all made such sense.
Both your awarenesses of how your old reflexes can trip you up, and how your newer identity doesn't cooperate with the over-cooperative "previous Tupp."
What do you plan to CHARGE this woman for the elaborate "favor" she's asked you for?
I loved your awareness that you said "Sure!" too quickly (old Tupp) and now are thinking about how to limit the burden of the task. I hope you find whatever compromise that will help you either: take care of her pets because you love animals anyway, and/OR: take care of yourself by explaining: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize what a job you were asking me to do, and I can't commit to that."
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
No charge, Hops, because I'm not doing it, I'll tell her next week. I think the other thing that tripped me up is that my mum used to do this; guilt me into pet sitting for her because it was so expensive to pay for pet sitters/they didn't look after them properly/ they work so hard they deserve a holiday and they can't afford one if they have to pay for pet care etc. This has elements of that in it, how expensive it is to pay for kennels, how busy they are in the holidays so it's hard to find spaces. All of which is true, which is why the cost of the cattery is the first part of any trip away I calculate and i book the cattery space at the same time as I book our accommodation so i know it's all done and costed. They've had this holiday booked for over a year, that's why it didn't occur to me it was this she was talking about as I'd have presumed she'd have had the pet care sorted out ages ago.
What it has drilled into me is that I need to stop assuming everyone thinks the way that I do and check details before I agree to anything, and practise that "I'll need to check and get back to you" phrase. I think she just caught me off guard and my mouth worked quicker than my brain :) Lol. It's no biggy, I just like getting to a point where these things finally make sense to me and I feel like I can adjust myself and do it better next time. I'm aiming for a life with relatively few bumps in the road! Lol x
Hopalong:
I dunno if the sun is shining today in Scotland, Tupp, but I feel the rays and hope it is.
I'm just so tickled by your post, which sounds so calm, unfreaked out, rational and centered. Especially centered. In yourself, not in a tizzy over somebody else's presumption or overreach.
Just you being healthy you, setting a boundary comfortably, taking care of yourself comfortably.
LOVE IT!
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 01, 2024, 08:03:39 PM ---I dunno if the sun is shining today in Scotland, Tupp, but I feel the rays and hope it is.
I'm just so tickled by your post, which sounds so calm, unfreaked out, rational and centered. Especially centered. In yourself, not in a tizzy over somebody else's presumption or overreach.
Just you being healthy you, setting a boundary comfortably, taking care of yourself comfortably.
LOVE IT!
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
No sunshine, Hops, it's cold and wet :) It is nice not endlessly questioning myself about what's okay and what isn't. Having that feeling of well, it's not okay for me, and that being the end of it. And looking for ways to avoid the situation again, where possible. Going over to tell her later today. May or may not be a little white lie - I'm not quite at the point of being confident enough to say, sorry, I misunderstood what I was being asked and wouldn't have agreed at the time if I'd realised. That is the next step, I guess. But for now I will be telling her we are unlikely to be here ourselves at that time, which is true. It's not definite but I don't want to be committed to someone else's pets, I do want to not be here if that opportunity comes up (which it might, I'm waiting to hear from someone).
In other news, we had someone come and view the house yesterday. I was feeling very anxious beforehand and thinking should I offer them lunch/drinks/snacks as they had driven a long way. Also worrying about the house itself, was it tidy enough, was the garden neat enough. Then my son, what should I tell him/them, what shall I do about the cat. Long list of questions to myself. Thought about it and realised my social anxiety stems, of course, from my mum, and the endless criticism of everyone and everything, all the time. For me, any kind of interaction with people is an invitation to them to criticise everything about me. So I put on a persona; it's not even about me doing everything 'right', it's about creating someone else to do everything so if there is criticism, it's not me personally being criticised. Even now I'm only just seeing how much damage was done when i was a child.
So - I reminded myself that most people are not like my mum and, if they are, they are not people to listen to or take notice of. The people arrived, I did not offer them anything, I tried not to 'fawn' (I have been reading about this, this people pleasing of being so nice there's no room for a single negative thought from anybody and I do it ALL THE BLOOMIN TIME). So I did none of that, I was polite, showed them around, answered their questions. They are, of course, nice people and there is no need to go into over the top, full on perfection mode because most people don't need or want that and those who do are best avoided.
We are looking to move, as much as we love it here the workload for me on my own is huge and I can't do it. I have exhausted all avenues of support and been told no. I collapsed at the weekend, my back went and I ended up on the floor, unable to move. What kept going through my mind was what would happen if I end up unable to drive/walk/lift/manage stairs, all of which are essential, all of which, for a brief time at the weekend, I couldn't do, and all of which I am doing now but only with the aid of painkillers and gritted teeth. So we do need to be closer to facilities, public transport and more healthcare specialists (very thin on the ground here). Fortunately as we're in local authority housing we can swap with another household which makes it quite cheap to do; the people who visited have a single storey home near a bus route which in turn is near a decent sized town with a reasonable amount going on. So we're waiting to hear if they want to go ahead and if they do, we'll be able to move quite quickly. We'll see what happens. It's a shame but reality is what it is and there's no point pretending otherwise x
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