Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
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Twoapenny:
Had 24 awful hours and then it's just gone. So weird, it's almost like it just needs to be seen, heard and acknowledged, and then it can go away again. I danced last night, indoors, closed the curtains, put my headphones on and just danced. And I imagined my little five year old self dancing and laughing with a really bright, happy, carefree mummy who just whirled her around and enjoyed being with her. I cried; I have no memories of fun and laughter with any adult in my childhood. We just learnt to keep quiet and keep out of the way. I don't remember ever seeing my mum happy and carefree. Likely she never saw her mother than way either. And I don't know how often my son has seen me happy and carefree. Not as often as he should have done. So happy and carefree is my aim now, whatever we're doing, I want the stress and the pressure to be minimised and the happiness and carefree stuff to be much more plentiful.
lighter:
No quick fixes, Tupp. Just tending to the wounded and protective parts. Understanding they belong.
They don't need to be banished, only understood and tended to, though it feels horrible.....it leads to relief and new perspectives and choice, IME.
You're doing the important work, Tupp.
Hopalong:
Tupp, I remain absolutely awed by the power and depth of your insights, your courage in self perception, your intelligence in perceiving it all not just bluntly, but with incredibly productive nuance.
Too rushed to say more but REALLY, woman, you are an extraordinary person.
In your next life you would be an astonishly gifted therapist.
And, the sadness of your memories, and the poisoning fear, really move me. I am completely confident that you will not marinate in sorrow and fear for the rest of your life. You've found it, named it, and shamed it. You don't deserve to have these be your primary feelings day after day. Really. You don't. You can comfort that scared and sad little girl.
Dunno if it'd work for you but a loving encounter with my inner child was one of the most powerful healing moments I have ever had. Just went into a sort of daydreaming trance and I went into "her" room and there she was. Myself, about five years old. I bent down and looked into her face -- she was me -- and saw such sadness. I told her: I am so sorry I couldn't be there for you then, but I'm here now, and I'll never leave you again. She looked at me and put her arms around my neck. Sitting in my living room, I actually felt the weight of her little arms touch my shoulders. And we were okay.
It was astounding, because she was real. And I knew I had truly comforted her, and she me. I always thought "inner child" was a kind of cute abstraction, until that day.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I didn't see your last post before responding, Tupp. How amazing is the relief of sitting in nonjudgmental awareness to tend to what's there? Astonishing release!
I hope you make dancing a regular habit. I always smile and wonder why I don't remember to dance more often. It truly is a shortcut to joy🪺
Twoapenny:
Lighter, dancing is the best thing ever, I used to dance everywhere, all the time, and even after I had my son once he'd gone to bed in the evening I'd dance round the sitting room rather than watching the TV. I'm trying to remember when I stopped and I can't. But I am definitely starting again now :) Albeit with less energy than before lol xx
Hopsie, my wish really is that some of this internal analysis would result in some changes in my external world, because that's what I really want. I do think that inner child stuff can do some really powerful things, like you say, it can seem so real and I do think it does powerful things to people. I have felt for many years now like i'm cursed. I've tried so hard and worked so hard and yet time and time again the same obstacles come up in front of me and it always seems very unfair and unjust. I had a really bad night's sleep on Saturday so did nothing all day Sunday. And by the evening - I found myself wondering if, instead of being 'cursed' the universe has been telling me all this time I'm on the wrong path. I don't know, but I found myself thinking of very different options for myself and son, living a different sort of lifestyle and then, as is often the case, a YouTube video popped up of a lady doing what I'd love to do, then a friend got in touch out of the blue with an idea about some work together next year, then i got an email from a lady in response to an add I put out ages ago about finding people to live communally/co-operatively with. So I think I'm going to try pushing in the opposite direction of the one I've been trying for the last fifty years and see if it works. I will give details if things start going well! Or at least differently lol xx
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