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Twoapenny:
I've had my first narcissistic interaction in a long time today and it's funny how it still upsets and unsettles me so much, despite knowing it, recognising it and removing myself from the situation as quickly as possible. It's to do with a possible house move and long story short, one person involved (there does seem to be a certain kind of woman that really sets off my spidey senses!) has seemed throughout to be a bit manipulative, not completely honest and I felt she was pulling a lot of people's strings. Have kept involved as necessary but only as necessary with regards to the move and no more than that. It then transpired that she couldn't have our home as her family is too big for it so the landlord would not permit. Secretly i was relieved to not have to deal with her anymore but at the same time, my senses had been prickled and I screen shot all the messages in case she caused problems further down the line. She disappeared for two weeks, then reappeared today and basically asked me to turn a blind eye to her making a fraudulent claim for the tenancy. Of course I've said no and removed myself from the situation, informing the others involved that I would not be proceeding (although not mentioning what she wanted to do). As sure as night follows day the next message was hurt indignation that I'd misunderstood the situation, she was simply trying to help me out, she had lots of other options but she'd prioritised me over them all but if I didn't want to go ahead she would accept it whilst not understanding how I'd misconstrued her kind offer.
I've not responded at all, I know the best thing to do with these sort of people is not engage, but it's odd the way that mindset works identically in all of them. They're told no and won't accept it, they come up with a way around it that puts several people's homes at risk (which no sane person would do) and then when told no again they play the victim and claim it's all a big misunderstanding and you're the one that's in the wrong. It just surprised me that it still unsettled me so much, even after all this time and even with regard to something that's really been a limited amount of interaction and has ended quickly. I guess it just opens up old wounds again. I checked in with the other person in the group, they were quite appalled as well and said if I hadn't refused they would have done but it's still shaken me up a bit. Not sure whether I should notify housing or not. I'm just mindful of the problems my mother's caused in the past when I've said no to her. No way of knowing whether this one's as deranged but I might just drop them a note in case. Hate not knowing what to do in these situations. Doing nothing would be my preference but knowing how many problems my mum's allegations have caused before it does make me feel uneasy.
lighter:
Sounds like you've documented the situation well enough to let it be, but you do what you feel is good, right and protective, Tupp.
As for things changing.... there's power in setting intentions. The saying ..."We are where we want to be" is layered and complicated, IME. Not bc we want to remain stuck/cursed/transgressed against, but bc what comes next is unknown and scary.....giving up the familiar feels like falling into nothingness, maybe, sometimes.
As you said, the discomfort of living under stress is what moves us out and into new spaces, IME. I'm paraphrasing, but it's excruciating with nose on painful pebbles, IME.
Less suffering with emotional distance, expanded view point......curiosity......zero judgement.
Man, I'm never gonna stop repeating that. Not till it's solid and lives comfortably in my body.
Still.....it applies, imo.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Lighter, I decided to wait 24 hours to see if my anxiety was driving my thought processes or if doing any more was sensible - and within a few hours the anxiety subsided and yes, I've got screenshots if anything else occurred but I think it's unlikely she'd do anything malicious now. She doesn't have the same connection to me that my mum did and I think that's what I need to keep in mind - I will encounter people like that but they won't have the same need to control so I can disentangle asap and they will move on to their next meal so to speak. Glad I didn't do anything else now to be honest. I think next time I'll take it one step further and leave it 24 hours before responding in any way. I do still find that that behaviour immediately triggers "I'm going to lose my son", even though it's all so long ago now. Funny, isn't it?
Anyway - nose off the pebble! What is good is that all other areas of life are calm enough now that I can observe these things more objectively, take some time to figure it all out and they're quite minor so it's kind of like practise runs? It wouldn't really have mattered if I'd notified housing about it all or not. I'm glad I didn't now but equally if I had they wouldn't have launched an investigation, it would have just been noted on a file and never seen the light of day again so good thing to practise on. Maybe that is the point of these people popping up over and over lol.
Expanded viewpoint, yes, that's what it is, can we step out of the immediate situation and find another way? I think I can now. What's really helped is my son is much more able to express himself now, so I'm having to guess less and he can just tell me what he's happy with and what he isn't. He's also keen to try things out now which is really nice, for a long time I thought he'd never leave his room. We're going to an eco event in a couple of weeks, few days of camping and lots of workshops all about using natural materials, growing food, building shelters and so on. All very low key, you join in with what you want and ignore what you don't but he's up for it, he's helped sort the camping stuff out. That's a big change. So maybe this is where we need to head - more outdoor, practical, away from the public sector and more into the alternatives. Will be nice to try it out anyway xx
lighter:
I hope you're able to hold space to discern between the choices you're presented, Tupp.
See with fresh eyes....feel if they're heavy or light. Reclaim emotional distance if it goes and remember it's ok. It's going to come and go.
Assigning judgement colors our perceptions, ime. Just see what's there as you navigate new people and situations. Trust your instincts and don't allow others to talk you out of your truth.
As for seeking out nature ..... I'm totally on board and happy ds is expressing himself clearly. What a weight off your shoulders...reclaiming energy worrying what he'll want/not want.
These are steps towards more clarity, more choices and more joy and I'll pray on that for a moment.
I agree, normally upsetting situations become practice runs as one shifts POV and coping strategies.
It feels like lifting the hood to see the reasons and workings involved in thought processes leading to expanding choices, IME. I don't believe we're in our own way anymore. It feels more like shifting loyalty and beliefs back to self while shedding unconscious beliefs around loyalty and holding lines drawn for us ....from birth to present. Esp when punishment and withholding of compassion were/are applied. It's buried in the Nervous System, waiting to be mined, considered and accepted.....to be what it is. Such relief to simply identify and understand thought processes. One may consider reactions vs responsiveness or opportunities to be more responsive, sans fight or flight, IME. The more one catches fight or flight, early/before it lands, the more pathways develop and strengthen, IME.
At some point, mindfulness dispels and clarifies. It's not magic. It's practice and being so very kind to ourselves.....returning when we meander onto old pathway, without judgement.
Guilt, shame and judgement is someone else's dis-eased language, IME. Installed and grown into little escapable cells. A true stupid trap....a trap with an escape one can't see, but is there, nonetheless.
One can learn new languages at any age. I feel we're learning, ((Tupp.))
Lighter
Not scary if one drops judgement and seeks curiosity....mostly, IME. When it is scary, things resolve, eventually, depositing more stability and belief in self, IME.
I'm picturing you
Hopalong:
Hi (((((Tupp))))),
You've mentioned so many times how well Son responded to moving to where you ar now. I know it was good for both of you at first, but your Traveler soul is stirring again. (Completely understand about the stairs getting to be too much.).
I just worry you're pursuing a "geographical cure", which is lexicon from AA, which has ZERO to do with you, but it made me wonder if constant moving for the utopian solution of location/lifestyle isn't....something. I dunno what.
You weren't asking for advice, but I wonder if deciding to take another year here before considering moving again (unless to the more physically accessible but nearby place to age in, which you've described -- via the house swap system) could be helpful.
I know I think you're okay and will be. Just struggle with the idea of y'all being uprooted once again. I found I have roots growing out the bottoms of my feet and was determined for a time to plant them. It absolutely drove me. Despite the various agonies I was going through, having home be home for 12 years now has really helped me heal stuff. FWIW.
Then again, maybe that one email from someone interested in communal living will take you in a new direction entirely and solve the lifestyle/isolation dilemma. If it does, I'm over here cheering my lungs out!
hugs,
Hops
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