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Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 06, 2024, 11:54:40 AM ---I hope you're able to hold space to discern between the choices you're presented, Tupp.
See with fresh eyes....feel if they're heavy or light. Reclaim emotional distance if it goes and remember it's ok. It's going to come and go.
Assigning judgement colors our perceptions, ime. Just see what's there as you navigate new people and situations. Trust your instincts and don't allow others to talk you out of your truth.
As for seeking out nature ..... I'm totally on board and happy ds is expressing himself clearly. What a weight off your shoulders...reclaiming energy worrying what he'll want/not want.
These are steps towards more clarity, more choices and more joy and I'll pray on that for a moment.
I agree, normally upsetting situations become practice runs as one shifts POV and coping strategies.
It feels like lifting the hood to see the reasons and workings involved in thought processes leading to expanding choices, IME. I don't believe we're in our own way anymore. It feels more like shifting loyalty and beliefs back to self while shedding unconscious beliefs around loyalty and holding lines drawn for us ....from birth to present. Esp when punishment and withholding of compassion were/are applied. It's buried in the Nervous System, waiting to be mined, considered and accepted.....to be what it is. Such relief to simply identify and understand thought processes. One may consider reactions vs responsiveness or opportunities to be more responsive, sans fight or flight, IME. The more one catches fight or flight, early/before it lands, the more pathways develop and strengthen, IME.
At some point, mindfulness dispels and clarifies. It's not magic. It's practice and being so very kind to ourselves.....returning when we meander onto old pathway, without judgement.
Guilt, shame and judgement is someone else's dis-eased language, IME. Installed and grown into little escapable cells. A true stupid trap....a trap with an escape one can't see, but is there, nonetheless.
One can learn new languages at any age. I feel we're learning, ((Tupp.))
Lighter
Not scary if one drops judgement and seeks curiosity....mostly, IME. When it is scary, things resolve, eventually, depositing more stability and belief in self, IME.
I'm picturing you
--- End quote ---
You're right, Lighter, it's practise, and I'm getting there with it. I think. Only having relatively minor problems to deal with helps, it just means you can get in front of that 'fight or flight' response and try to eek the different strands out. there's definitely stuff buried in the nervous system so I'm trying to do the yoga/dancing/shaking it out of my system stuff to reduce that. It's definitely less troublesome than it used to be.
It's funny but my son had a minor procedure yesterday, very small, local anaesthetic, out in half an hour and he was absolutely fine afterwards. But I was so wiped out when we got home because I'd been so anxious and had held it all in. I know there's been a lot of that over the years, and I think maybe other minor things get stuck. They're not a big enough problem to deal with or focus time on, but they sit there and niggle away a little. I think maybe a lot of that sort of stuff needs to find its way out now. Maybe the minor mishaps are how that sort of stuff gets an outlet, finally x
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 06, 2024, 05:19:25 PM ---Hi (((((Tupp))))),
You've mentioned so many times how well Son responded to moving to where you ar now. I know it was good for both of you at first, but your Traveler soul is stirring again. (Completely understand about the stairs getting to be too much.).
I just worry you're pursuing a "geographical cure", which is lexicon from AA, which has ZERO to do with you, but it made me wonder if constant moving for the utopian solution of location/lifestyle isn't....something. I dunno what.
You weren't asking for advice, but I wonder if deciding to take another year here before considering moving again (unless to the more physically accessible but nearby place to age in, which you've described -- via the house swap system) could be helpful.
I know I think you're okay and will be. Just struggle with the idea of y'all being uprooted once again. I found I have roots growing out the bottoms of my feet and was determined for a time to plant them. It absolutely drove me. Despite the various agonies I was going through, having home be home for 12 years now has really helped me heal stuff. FWIW.
Then again, maybe that one email from someone interested in communal living will take you in a new direction entirely and solve the lifestyle/isolation dilemma. If it does, I'm over here cheering my lungs out!
hugs,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks Hops, you've mentioned that AA thing before but it's completely different to our situation. No traveller soul or utopia seeking here, we just need buses and social groups for disabled people. I spent a year looking for ways not to move before accepting that we had no other option again, and have discussed it, at length with son, and he also feels there's not enough for him to do, that he's bored and he sees me struggling to walk some days and knows that could get worse.
A lot of people get anxious when I tell them we're moving again; to be honest I haven't mentioned it to many this time around. I've never understood the attachment to houses. Our home is wherever we are; it's where we have what we need, it's always comfortable and we can set it up anywhere. The home part of it isn't relevant, what's important are the disability related external requirements, like suitable groups and sports facilities, public transport, easy access to shops and so on. Yes, the peace and quiet here is lovely, but having to drive 200+ miles a week to get to basic things like the library, swimming pool and supermarket is expensive, impractical, time consuming, tiring and at times, very painful. Not to mention impossible if I can't drive at all.
I do feel sometimes that some people think I simply get bored one afternoon, stick a pin in a map and then randomly move house. I spend months researching online; disability provision is different everywhere, there's no standardisation or minimum requirement. We're on the lowest income level possible and below even the first rung of the property ladder which drastically reduces options for places to live. We don't want to live in a high crime area, which is what goes hand in hand with low income and cheap housing so our options are reduced further still, and we need somewhere that allows a pet, which takes us to even fewer properties. If and when we do find something, I have to pack the entire place on my own, whilst caring for my son, I have to find the money to pay for the men and the vehicle to move everything, I have to unpack it again at the other end, whilst also organising new doctors, moving referrals across, changing all the benefit awards and other change of address stuff and working a magic trick to ensure that we don't run out of my son's meds, which are prescribed in relatively small amounts and at very precise times to ensure stockpiling isn't possible, so getting enough to tide us over until I can get a script in at the new place is difficult. All the while knowing that afterwards I'll have weeks of my back and joints screaming from the exertion, whilst being busy getting son out to new things and groups so that he doesn't sit in front of a screen festering. We're skint for months before and after because of the cost of doing it and because moving house always means benefits are delayed, and this is all to be able to do things that people without disabilities don't even have to think about. It's a huge amount of work and happens because disabled people in the UK are treated like shit, and so are unpaid carers. I can't change the system on my own but I can do my best to make my son's life as happy and healthy as possible whilst also preserving my own the best I can. I think most people just don't have to take all of that into account when they choose somewhere to live, plus most have more options as they have more money and/or a regular salary that can be taken into account.
lighter:
Have we ever had a healing ceremony on the board.....never around the bonfire. Seems everything's been preparing for battle.
We should have ceremonies for processing and release....for whatever anyone needs around the fire.
:nodding::.
If jumping and jarring works for one....maybe it'll help all. If it's breathing the moon in and out ....maybe we all try.
I know I don't spend enough time focused on that kind of ritual, even though I know I'd benefit in ways I can't imagine.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Ahhh. I hear you and I believe you, and if it's a repeat, I'm sorry I can be so thick.
I think the real reason I started handwringing over the idea is that my heart just moaned at the notion of you having to go through it all AGAIN. But your reasons, as ever, are sane and sound and very responsible.
Man, I'd give a good TOOTH to protect you from that stress. On the other hand, I thin it's very likely that because you've researched and planned so many other forced moves that you'll make the next choice out of that wisdom -- and not from a panicky situation as you had to claw your way out of before Scotland. You have gotten much stronger and more confident and if there's anybody who knows what you and Son need and how to aim in a direction that will get you each more of that, it's you.
So count me in your corner, cheering and eager to know what paths are revealed. I really have no doubt about your ability to see them clearly. You're not going off to a caravan park of hippies...you're looking for stability and more happiness for both of you. Come to think of it, you always report precious Son as adaptable, bright, and willing to discover New right along with you.
I'm not asking what Cat thinks. But do ask and report back. And if you'd like a half-Mephistopheles, half adorable puppy, I'm sure mine can fly cheap....
hugs and support,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 08, 2024, 05:39:30 PM ---Have we ever had a healing ceremony on the board.....never around the bonfire. Seems everything's been preparing for battle.
We should have ceremonies for processing and release....for whatever anyone needs around the fire.
:nodding::.
If jumping and jarring works for one....maybe it'll help all. If it's breathing the moon in and out ....maybe we all try.
I know I don't spend enough time focused on that kind of ritual, even though I know I'd benefit in ways I can't imagine.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Definite need to shift focus towards healing, releasing and letting go, I think, Lighter, and leave the battle grounds behind. I'm kind of wishing now I'd followed my heart years ago, maybe even left the country. But my worries about my son's adult life and his needs being met meant I thought I should keep one foot in the system for his sake. Now we're at adulthood and there's still no-one else to meet his needs. Kind of thinking it would have been better to take a different path many years before. Hindsight and all that. But yes, I'm done with battling. Join in my dance or bugger off is my attitude now :) I need to prioritise that sort of thing now, I know I still tend to do what needs to be done first, and then I've run out of day/time/energy by the time that kind of ritual and self care comes about. Time to refocus that, I think xx
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