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Dumb question

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lighter:
I'm more confused, Amber.

But here goes.....
Maybe you'd have the words IF Hol's distress and treatment of you weren't so distressing to you.

This is rhetorical....
what fears come up when you think about settting boundaries with Hol and holding them? 
What's the worst you picture?  How realistic is that.... when you think about it in a calm state? 
Do you believe you're controlling what happens to Hol through your actions and responses when communicating with her?

And...

It's not helpful to judge this situation with Hol in a negative way.  Maybe this is the time and place where you find a better way to communicate with Hol, put new habits in place and stop experiencing chemical dumps, anxiety and fear? 

I'm always  amazed how many solutions pop up if I can see something without judgment, where no solutions presented previously.

If you and Hol were discussing how to be safe while dating.....
I've noticed the habit women have of bearing their throats (fig.and lit.)way early in relatiomships, out of habit/bc they're culturally taught to do it, for whatever reasons.  That was really shocking to me,. but so terribly obvious when I got some distance on it. The saying "boundaries will keep us safe" is so true, but what if boundaries are new and difficult to hold IF one can put them in place?  Worth reflection, IME.

I suspect most people aren't aware they hold unconscious beliefs around vulnerability being desirable or a reqirement of dating. 

At first I thought it was Hol asking you to go out with her and engage in socializing with her.....but I don't think it's that.  You have a new life with B and it's rich and focused.  You're entitled to that, as an adult. 

If it's politics or prepping..... global warming.... pollution....... IME, doing some research into her beliefs will give you all the information you need to address her points and refute them with facts in a way she can understand, if she can understand.  I hope Hol can research your beliefs to better understand and address your points and facts, bc that would be fair.

Repeating talking points, heard from talking heads reinforcing beliefs, doesn't help anyone understand, IME.

Respectful debate requires both parties do the work to undersand the other's position whether it's a HS debate team, building a legal case or discussing heated topics with loved ones, IME.

I assume and Hol share positive intentions. 

Maybe it's time for some rules around discussions....
no raising voices
finishing a point before moving to the next
no foul language or name calling
no attacking motives
agree to take a break and come back if things get heated, but agree to a time and place.

Keep breathing, Amber. 

Lighter

Hopalong:
If anyone had a foolproof method for turning down the heat on family tensions and could bottle it, that stock would soar.

Only thing I know of is to gently stop talking and gently disengage and gently go away.

For me the stop talking is hardest, because brain wiring. I used to say I could "beat a dead horse into dog food." Not very elegant, but there was some kind of OCD-ish thing going on.

RELEASING is the hardest part of letting go. The outcome will be the outcome, whatever I do.

I feel not very helpful at the mo' because your question and description didn't quite help me see what's happening...I'm a detail person when it comes to people and emotions, not theoretical.

I do know that in the past, you've been Hol's soft place to land but also hard place to throw things at.

Counselor, counselor. Don't be her therapist...trust her to figure out her own life and understand it's beyond your direct influence by now. You'll still be her remarkable mom.

hugs and comfort,
Hops

Twoapenny:
'Overbearing' is the word that comes up for me, Skep.  Although I don't know if that's the same in English English as it is in American English.  Whatever's going on I hope it resolves quickly.  Doesn't sound nice, especially without B there just now xx

sKePTiKal:
Tupp, overbearing comes the closest, I think. A single word or short phrase to describe a behavior. I'm hoping the word just occurs to me out of the blue, I guess. Dominating was as close as I got - but it's not quite right. The behavior does come from a motivation of genuine caring & concern; but it doesn't have space for age/life differences or personal choices... that may exist for now, but are not permanent.

This is less a question about relationship conflict or struggle, altho this is what highlighted the question in the first place. That struggle is going to work itself out within it's normal cycle, or one of us will get too busy in our own lives to spend much time together. That's been the ebb & flow of how we work. And the behavior I see, may be temporary too... as she adjusts to single life out here and faces herself & issues on her own.

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